by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
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A unique feature of liberal democracies is the s th tr i f pow
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Sorry. My computer seems to have the hiccups.
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As I said: a unique feature of liberal democracies is the sm tra io
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Umm. Yeah. I'd put a paper bag around my computer's heat vent, but I suspect that would make things worse. For obvious reasons, a cool drink of water is right out. Let's say that...a unique feature of liberal democracies is...leaders willingly give up power if they lose elections.
Good enough.
A unique feature of illiberal idiotocracies is that they don't conform to the unique features of liberal democracies.
A month before the primaries, Vesampuccerian President Ronald McDruhitmumpf told a congregation of non-unionized auto workers (who could easily social distance considering there were only seven of them, but who huddled together to show that they believed COVID-19 was a hoax perpetrated by George Sorobororos to suffocate honest, hard-working people and steal their stuff): "What have you got to lose? What have you got to lose? What have you got to lose? Okay, your jobs. Mail-in voting leads to massive fraud - the Dumboprats are trying to steal the election. But, the economy is doing great - better than it ever has been. Better than when...that other guy was President. Remember how I made Vesampucceri great again when you have to eat your shoes!"
Wait - what? Dumboprats are trying to steal the election? Did I hear that correctly?
Apparently, there's nothing wrong with my ears (I get them candled every month, and get the bandages changed every couple of weeks, thank you very much). After that speech, the President took every opportunity to challenge the legitimacy of the coming election.
At a Zoomer meeting with Mrs. McJimmicuddy's grade three class, for example, President McDruhitmumpf said: "The China virus, which was started in China, by the Chinese, to undermine the health of our people, is a hoax. Nobody is dying and, anyway, a cure is on the way! You want something to really worry about? Voter fraud. Massive cheating because of mail-in balloting. It will be the end of our idiotocracy, people! Death! Destruction! Bad things! Yes, you're absolutely right to cry! Millions of fraudulent votes could - hey! What happ - have we been cut off? Can you get the connection back? Does anybody know what George Sorobororos is doing at this moment...?"
"He's trying to delegitimize the - ooh, yeah. Right there - the election," explained token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam as she was being massaged by a woman named Bertha D. Blooze at a day spa. "If I win, the election was free - hah! - free and - mmmmm - fair. If I lose - pant! pant! - oh, baby! - the other side cheated. He, and his followers, will not accept the results of the election if he loses. That is so bad - ooh, that is sooooo good!"
President McDruhitmumpf has a couple of times floated the possibility that the election could take a long time to decide. "With mail-in balloting, it could take years for all of the votes to be counted," he told three reporters and a skunk that had got past his security detail. When the skunk pointed out that the President's Post-master General was responsible for those delays, he responded: "You stink. You know that? You're a real stinker!"
The President may have been trying to make the case that he should stay in power until all of the votes were counted. The problem is that that darn Constitution won't let him. If the election is undecided in January, the person who takes power is the Speaker of the House, in this case Dumboprat Nancy Pelligrinosi.
I can feel President McDruhitmumpf shuddering at the thought. So, I'm going to repeat it: if the election hasn't been decided by January, Speaker Nancy Pelligrinosi will take charge of the government.
Shudder away, Mister President. Shudder away.
More recently, President McDruhitmumpf has been planting the idea in the heads of his followers that he may stay longer than the two terms the law allows. "Four more years?" he told a rally. "You're not thinking big enough. Twelve more years! Sixteen more years! Twenty-nine more years! Yes, twenty-nine more years, people! I will be the most powerful desiccated corpse in the world!"
Although there is no legal basis for any of the President's claims, the real question is what his base, fed on the thin gruel of the idea that the results of the election are illegitimate, will do. The President's well-armed and highly strung base. The fact that they gave President McDruhitmumpf's "desiccated corpse" line a seven minute standing ovation does not bode well for the country. Or, the world...