Les Pages Aux Folles: The Hangnail Pandemic
The Hangnail Pandemic
by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer
Fellow Vesamupuccerian, for a grand experiment you have been selected:
With almost 150,000 dead and over three million infected,
All reasonable actions to halt the spread of the coronavirus have been rejected.
Let's face facts: the federal government is doing squat.
According to them, deaths from COVID-19 are a form of natural selection,
So there's no need to give citizens adequate protection.
(Especially not when the President is running for reelection.)
For the good of the country, spare it no more thought.
Live with it. Just live with it.
If you succumb to COVID,
You were obviously unfit.
So learn to live with it.
For a second term, the President is hopin',
But to get it, the economy must reopen.
With false hope, his base he'll rope in,
Even though infections and deaths are spiking.
Medical treatment is a free-for-all,
Measures to combat the disease are informal
As the country supposedly goes back to normal.
(But the chaos is very much to the President's liking.)
Live with it. Just live with it.
Even if by a truck you feel you've been hit.
If you lose a piece of lung whenever you spit,
Just live with it.
The administration is being a jerk,
Offering bad advice with a know-it-all smirk
When the CDC has told them what will work.
Reality? They just refuse it.
Wearing a mask is an odious thing,
And there's no fun in social distancing.
Not when it's time for a spring fling.
Youth - use it or you lose it.
Live with it. Just live with it,
Because the truth, the administration will never admit.
It will only come out bit by bit,
So better just to live with it
You say your job has disappeared?
Please don't worry. Have no fear.
It's time to start a new career!
To see it, you don't need to be a policy wonk. A
Little training, a little luck,
A lot of effort and so much pluck,
And pretty soon you, too, will be back to work.
Thank you so much for the advice, Ivanka.
Find something new. Just find something new.
Learn a new skill or two.
Even if available jobs are few,
Just find something new
"Most other countries have the virus on the run,"
Said the token smart person,
"I wish that the United States was one,
But that would be a lie.
I don't mean to give a polemic,
But we're treating this like a hangnail pandemic -
Ignorance and misinformation are endemic,
As Vesampuccerians continue to die."
Live with it. Just live with it.
You can survive by sheer grit.
Don't like government inaction? Don't get in a snit.
Just learn to live with it.
As if that advice wasn't already too bad,
Someone pointed out it sounded like the tag line for a Nike ad.
(Which made the President very mad,
And you wouldn't like him like that.)
In a voice that filled his aides with dread,
The President wound up and said:
"You mean like the shoes? Don't give me the blues! We have inner city youths - you know the ones I'm talking about - yeah, of course you do - killing each other for those sneakers - and that's the truth! Their lives couldn't be bleaker! You wanna make that association? Sorry - there's no relation. As for the pandemic, it's just not true! It's what I like to call "fake news!" I don't mean to make it into a beating my chest thing, but there would be no illness if there was no testing! You've gotta keep up - wanna know the latest? My administration's response to the virus has been the greatest! The amount of resources we've devoted to it will never be bested - now, anybody who wants to can be tested! Don't get grouchy! Don't be glum. (But don't believe anything you hear from Doctor Faucispendulum!) The virus is like the flu - not so bad. If you don't believe me, just ask your dad! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to bed!"
Then, he stomped off, ending the impromptu chat.
Live with it. Just live with it.
Even if your health turns to shit.
The President is not concerned one bit,
So learn to live with it.
