by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology Writer
Say you're a patriotic Vesampuccerian who values your freedom more than your life. It happens. Further say you live in the state of Georgitucky. That happens, too, more frequently than one might imagine (especially if you have watched too many documentaries about vacuously murderous tiger breeders). Unlike many other states (commonly referred to as "Dumboprat suckholes" in right-wing media I wouldn't be caught dead reading, but I hear rumours about...lots of ugly, ugly rumours), Georgitucky is quickly unimposing social distancing measures it imposed to fight the coronavirus pandemic, in order to take a defibrillator to the state's economy.
What do you have to lose but your Earthly vessel, which, let's be honest, was always fragile and, at your age, is past its best before date anyway?
Georgitucky Governor Brian Okaykempadre has executive ordered that nail salons, massage therapists, bowling alleys and gyms be considered "essential services" and be reopened on Friday. For people who break a nail while throwing a gutter ball and have to get message therapy because they throw their backs out making obscene gestures at the ten pins still standing...then make it worse by trying to bench press a Toyota the next day, those services may be essential. Maybe. But, for many of the rest of us, using those services would be a poke in the eye of Librals who think they can dictate where and when we go just because we could lose our lives if we leave our houses.
The main question is: why are pet salons still closed when my Floofie needs a good session with the hot curlers? Umm...that's a poser, to be sure, but the,..other main question is: do you really think Abraham Linkedinonalog would be as effective a President if he had to hold cabinet meetings on Farcebook? Err...we seem to be straying from the main paint. The main main point is...no, it has nothing to do with the best recipe for a yummy Lysol cocktail...noooooo, it's not really about how you can fit all of the newly opened services most efficiently into a single trip out of the house - no! It is absolutely not about the state of Tom Hankazarias' appendi - oh, wait. That is what it is about.
How can a conscientious Reduhblican most efficiently visit all of the newly opened services in Georgitucky in a single trip so as to inflict maximum burnage on pwned Dumboprats?
At the risk of using a cliche, there's an app for that. And, if it is a cliche, I'll just state that the phrase is "retro" and hope the reader doesn't examine the claim too closely.
The app is called COVID Roulette. You input your home address, the services you want to visit and how much time you want to spend on your unique form of social protest. Combining satellite mapping data with the latest quarantine policy on your state's website, the programme calculates the fastest route between the services you are looking for.
"Help the freedom revolution?" said Kris Chriscolunkristen, creator of COVID Roulette. "Naah. I just figured if there were Reduhblicans with a death wish, I would be doing them a - and everybody else - favour by speeding them to the meeting with their maker."
"Oh, he's helping us, alright," said Floriana Onomatapeeps, a big fan of the programme. "He's given us this programme so that we can protest the government overreach squelching - yes, I said it - squelching - it sounds just as dirty as it is - squelching - our freedom to go wherever we want regardless of the consequences. Kris just has to say he's trying to kill us so that lamestream media outlets like you will write about his programme. Squelching - love that word!"
Chriscolunkristen sadly shook his head. "Confirmation bias," he stated, "not just for Shriners and differently abled shrimp farmers any more..."
When restaurants and movie theatres open, they can be added to the list of services to be patronized in a single outing. "As you add more nodes, the geometrical problem increases exponentially," Chriscolunkristen commented. "But, do users care about the challenge of creating COVID Roulette? Of course not. All they care about is throwing bowling balls at their massage therapists, seeing the latest Van Damme flick at their local googleplex and spending the rest of the day - and possibly the rest of their lives - in emergency with a persistent, hacking cough and increasing pain in their chests!"
Some business owners are leery (Timothy?) of reopening. "Do they even have barbershops in heaven?" the owner of The Cruelest Cut told the Wall Street Infernal. "The Bible only refers to haircuts once, and it says that the shag is ‘an abomination in the eyes of the Lord, your God.' Other than that, nothing. I don't know if they have barbershops in heaven, but I do know one thing: I'm in no hurry to find out!"
When asked about businesspeople who might be wary (Timothy? Seriously, is that you?) of reopening, Governor Okaykempadre replied: "I guess they just hate our freedoms."