Dear Amritsar,
I always thought I was looking for a man who "gets" me. And, I don't mean a man who picks me up from work every day, or buys me things, or pickles my herring when I'm mashing up Coldplay and ? and the Mysterions songs (I know, I know, it seems obvious once you've said it out loud) and am too busy to mix the brine myself. Somebody who understands me.
I thought I had found that man: Chet "The Understanderer" Gilmore. But, I'm starting to think that the fine line between getting me and getting creepy is more like a retaining wall. Uhh...made of fog.
It started with little things. One day, out of the blue, he gave me a porcelain mongoose because he knew I collected them. But, how could he know? I don't talk about it, and I certainly never showed him the shrine to the mongoose god that I keep in my spare bedroom!
A week later, he emailed me links to articles on Burtinson's Scoliolitis, a rare disease that turns a person's first, third and seventh vertebrae into mushrooms. I had only been diagnosed a month earlier, and it was my dark, shameful secret! (Okay, that was kind of 1940s "women's film"y, wasn't it? To tell the truth, it was more like a translucent, mildly embarrassing secret. Still, the point is that it was a secret, no matter how well illuminated!)
Then, just last week, Chet got me a digital toe curler with 27 settings, hot oil extenders and Billy Ocean interface. I had never heard of such a thing, much less wanted to own one, but Chet assured me that it would change my life. I was skeptical, but, now that I have the digital toe curler, I can't imagine living without it: I use it 27 times a day, and even more in the night.
How did he know? How could he possibly know?
Betty Betchawanasong
Hey, Babe,
It sounds to me like "The Understanderer" has had a little help in his romantic endeavours. And, when I say a little help, I mean the full weight of the shadowy government intelligence gathering apparatus.
Chet clearly had access to Prism (named for the Canadian rock band that produced the song "Armageddon" because, during the closed sessions where they discussed the programme, it was what the Chair of the Congressional Lack of Intelligence Committee listened to on his iPod. Over and over again. An opposition that derives its foreign policy from the Book of Revelations will tend to keep a President on his toes...).
Prism takes all of the networked electronic data available on you, purees it and turns it into a nice (if overly sweet - Amritsar prefers her chocolate bitter) personal profile slushy. You would be amazed at how it works! Simply input your zip code, tax returns and most recent iTunes purchases, and it will tell you your religion, your shoe size and any problems you may have with your prostate with 97% accuracy!Chet could have known of your porcelain mongoose collection (I don't judge, but Amritsar wouldn't be true to herself if she didn't admit that she prefers spider monkeys) if you had used your credit card to buy yourself one, or if your browser history included trips to the Porcelain Mongoose Web Site. He probably knew your physical condition through access to your online medical files, although he may have seen it in an email from your doctor to Bleeder's Digest's "Stop, Your Killing Me!" humour column.
As for enjoying the toe curler, well, the predictive power of programmes such as Prism has long been known by security experts, government officials and Harold Finch.
Most women would be happy if the men they were dating made an effort to understand them. I think we are actually surprised when they succeed. Perhaps you should cut Chet some slacks (it would certainly be cheaper than buying him a pair, and he would seem ungrateful if he complained that his Valentine's Day gift's legs weren't the same length) and be thankful when he buys you tickets to see Cats at The Met. (No, I don't have access to Prism - some moves in the mating game are just obvious!)
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service's sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: on second thought, billions of dollars have been spent on the most invasive surveillance system in history, and the best thing the government can use it for is to score with women?