Last year's Alternate Reality News Service forum was so well-received that it took us three years to convene another one. This is a transcript of that.
1. INTRODUCTIONS
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Today's panel is made up of Amritsar, The Tech Answer Guy and the Biz Whiz.
LANGUAGE CORRECTOR DUDE: And, the Language Corrector Dude.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Sorry...did somebody say something?
LANGUAGE CORRECTOR DUDE: You forgot to mention me.
AMRITSAR AL-FALLOUDJIANAPOUR: I heard nary a peep.
TECH ANSWER GUY: Nope.
BIZ WHIZ: Why am I here?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: To provide an economics point of view.
BIZ WHIZ: You mean to pander to a right wing audience.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: You say potato, I say to pay a check.
BIZ WHIZ: (shrugs) It's your dime. Literally. I gotta learn how to be a tougher negotiator!
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Okay. Let's start by giving a brief introduction of who we are. I'm Brenda Brundtland-Govanni, Editrix-in-Chief of the Alternate Reality News Service. My hobbies are recreational Jew Jitsu, pinning butterflies to boards...while they're still alive...and I'm supposed to be doing a presentation on the wonders of journalism to a grade seven classroom, and compiling a list of the most resonant slaps in history which I hope, one day, to turn into a New York Times bestselling toffee table book. Yummy! Going around the table, the next person should be -
LANGUAGE CORRECTOR DUDE: Me? I thought you couldn't hear anything I was -
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: No, let's go around the table in the other direction. We might avoid that annoying buzzing that way. You. Go.
AMRITSAR: Right. My name is Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour. I've been an advice columnist for the Alternate Reality News Service for 17 years, now. Before that, I sold gourmet chocolate bars door to door to help fund research into a cure for diabetes. That may sound strange, but those were more innocent times - we fundraise electronically, now. (pause) I'm a three time winner of the Roger Maris Good Nature Award given by the Mystery Writer's Association of North America (and Ohio). Why is a complete mystery to me, so I suppose it there is a certain logic to it.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Thanks, Amritsar. That was almost enlightening. NEXT!
TECH ANSWER GUY: Yeah. Right. Okay, that would be me. My name is The Tech Answer Guy. On a good day, you can call me Bob. On a bad day, you better hide all your power tools, because, by the Mighty Miter Saw of Makita, I will make anybody who calls me before noon suffer. Uhh, so, yeah, you could say I'm not warm and fuzzy, but I'm here to give advice to other guys who aren't warm and fuzzy, so...uhh...yeah. What was the question, again?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Wow. So inarticulate. So accurate. NEXT!
BIZ WHIZ: I'm the Biz Whiz. I don't use my real name to make it easier for me to eat anonymously in restaurants. If you want my advice on what stocks to buy, pay for a copy of my latest book, My Advice on What Stocks to Buy, you cheap bastards. And, when I say "bastards," I am using the term in the way in which Adam Smith originally intended. Somebody has to keep the dream alive. I answer people's questions about how emerging technologies and money interact to create the world in which we live.
LANGUAGE CORRECTOR DUDE: I'm The Language Corrector Dude, and I -
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Okay, now that we've gotten that bit of unpleasantness out of the way, we can move on to the serious unpleasantness of the day.
LANGUAGE CORRECTOR DUDE: Aww...BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Let's start with a softball question: are online relationships real?
BIZ WHIZ: Weeelllll, when you spend 150,000 gold credits to buy your lady love a Scintillating Sword of Shanana in Worlds of Wowcraft, it doesn't get any more real than that. You just better hope your lady love is really a - you know - lady.
TECH ANSWER GUY: That's why Worlds of Wowcraft lets you customize your player profile with images.
BIZ WHIZ: Well, yes, but how do you know the image truly represents the player?
TECH ANSWER GUY: Because...uhh...in her profile, she describes doing...girly things...?
BIZ WHIZ: The person you're playing with could have cribbed that description from his daughter's Farcebook page.
TECH ANSWER GUY: (offended) I think I would know a woman when I encountered one!
BIZ WHIZ: You and Ray Davies both, pal. You and Ray Davies both.
Long pause.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: There are a lot of issues to unpack, here...
AMRITSAR: Identity on the Internet? That's so 1990s, don't you think?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Aaaaand, apparently we're not going to get to any of them.
AMRITSAR: I mean, we get it already. On the Internet, nobody knows you're a god - the Internet works in mysterious ways. Most people have gotten over it. The only time it's an issue these days is when you meet the person you love online in real life and find out that the person you thought looked like Jenny McCarthy actually looks like Melissa McCarthy. Or, vice versa, if your taste runs in that direction. It takes all kinds in this world, and an advice columnist can't afford to judge...publicly...
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: So, Tech Answer Guy. You planning on meeting this woman?
TECH ANSWER GUY: Oh, I don't...uhh -
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: And, what do you think Misses The Tech Answer Guy would say about that?
TECH ANSWER GUY: I'm sure she'll have a lot to say about it, now...
AMRITSAR: Well, that certainly lowered the temperature in the room by several degrees!
LANGUAGE CORRECTOR DUDE: You can tell the gender of people by their choice of words, you know.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Is it possible that an insect has gotten into the room? We may have to get Pops Kahunga to fumigate the offices...again!BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Okay, let's talk about children.
TECH ANSWER GUY: HOW MANY TIMES I GOTTA TELL YA THAT THE KID AIN'T MINE?! EVERYBODY KNOWS I WOULD TAKE THE DAMN PATERNITY TEST IF I WASN'T SO ALLERGIC TO SHARP METAL OBJECTS!
Another long pause.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Umm...thank you for that. But, I actually wanted to ask how images of sex being easily available on the Internet has changed young people's attitudes towards their bodies and what they do with them.
BIZ WHIZ: There is no question that amateur porn on the Internet has put a serious crimp in the professional porn industry. For example, Playboy and Penthouse have had to reinvent themselves online or risk facing irrelevance. And, you'd best believe that Vivid Video is hurting!
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Un hunh. Yes. I see. And, what, exactly does this have to do with my question about children and sex?
BIZ WHIZ: Well, today's kids have to grow up with a completely different skill set because of it, don't they?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: What do you mean?
BIZ WHIZ: Before the Internet, children had to steal their porn from corner store magazine racks, which helped them develop their manual dexterity. This, in turn, helped them get good paying jobs in factories when they were old enough. Today, children have to be able to rewrite the code on their computers in order to be able to bypass parental filters and access online porn. This could, in turn, help them get well paying jobs as computer programmers when they grow up. When you look at it, the change in the way youngsters get their porn is actually beneficial to their future earning potential.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Okay. Would somebody like to offer a different way of looking at it? (pause) Anybody at all? (pause) Amritsar? (pause) Please?
AMRITSAR: Children...children are little hedonist bastards. They're all about their own pleasure. Socialization is all about teaching them to delay their pleasures in order to become responsible adults. You know. Buy houses. Raise families. Complain about the vapidity of reality television while enjoying every second of it. That sort of thing.
BIZ WHIZ: Don't forget becoming productive economic actors for the duration of their working lives.
AMRITSAR: (withering) Sorry, but I find anything somebody says about economics that doesn't involve my pay check imminently forgettable.
TECH ANSWER GUY: Whoa! This is the first time I've ever seen a dude actually wither.
AMRITSAR: Oh, hush. You had your chance to answer this question.
LANGUAGE CORRECTOR DUDE: Good to see I'm not the only one being ignored, here.
AMRITSAR: And, no hissing, either!
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: What about the so-called "hook-up" culture? Surely, that's a new - and highly unwelcome - wrinkle in youth sexuality that needs to be ironed out.
BIZ WHIZ: (confused) Don't children have to be hooked up if they want to communicate with each other over the Internet?
AMRITSAR: Brenda, can we have a moment, please?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Whatever.
Whispers.
BIZ WHIZ: What? (pause) Are you ser - really? (pause) WITH A DIGITAL MELON?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Done?
BIZ WHIZ: (dark) I am never having girl children. Only boys. I'm not sure how to make that work within the teachings of my Catholic faith, but I will find a way!
AMRITSAR: I have dealt with this subject many times, which you would know if you had read my columns.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: What, and deprive Harunder and Gareet of meaningful employment?
AMRITSAR: Parents need to discuss sex with their children.
BIZ WHIZ: But, wouldn't that mean that the parents would have to understand it first?
AMRITSAR: Did I say the world was fair?BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Thanks to Jian Ghomeshi, a national conversation about sexual harassment in the workplace has been started. Does the panel think that that's a good thing?
Yet another long pause. Honestly, this forum would have been over in 15 minutes if there hadn't been so many awkward pauses. Not to mention the breaks for comments about unidentifiable noises...
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Anybody want to take a stab at it? Anybody at all?
AMRITSAR: Uhh, Brenda, it's a little...surprising to hear that question coming from you.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Why would you say that?
AMRITSAR: Your management methods are...unorthodox.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: What are you trying to say?
AMRITSAR: Umm...
BIZ WHIZ: Well, I, for one, think that whatever a manager does to motivate his staff is nobody's business as long as he is increasing shareholder value.
AMRITSAR: Pfft! You probably thought Attila the Hun was a great manager.
BIZ WHIZ: Attila the Hun was a brilliant manager! Have you never read The 27 Management Secrets of Attila the Hun?
TECH ANSWER GUY: Seems to me - and, I don't mean to step on anybody's toes, here - or other body parts, for that matter - that this could open up a lot of people's eyes to the fact that sexual harassment isn't primarily about sex. It's about power. If that happens, maybe we can finally address the root problem and change it.
Yet another long pause, but, given that it was full of surprise and wonder, this one was actually justified, so let's let it pass uncommented upon.
TECH ANSWER GUY: But, what do I know? I could be wrong.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: That...was...unexpectedly insightful.
AMRITSAR: That...was...awesome!
BIZ WHIZ: That...was...the worst rationale for government intervention in the sacred relationship between employer and employee that I've heard since the crash of '29!
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: (shrugs) I said that a conversation had been started. I didn't say everything in the conversation would be worth listening to...BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Any last thoughts?
TECH ANSWER GUY: I really love my wife.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Nobody doubted that.
TECH ANSWER GUY: No, I mean, I
really love my wife.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Nobody said you didn't.
TECH ANSWER GUY: It's important to me that my wife knows that I really love her! I...I can't always say it with such articularity.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Good sentiment. Gotta work on your timing. Amritsar?
AMRITSAR: The world is a vast, complicated place. Wear galoshes.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: What if it's not raining?
AMRITSAR: Even if it isn't raining on the street, it's always raining in a piece of your heart...
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Sorry, but I'm profundity impaired. Biz Whiz - last thoughts?
BIZ WHIZ: It's true that money cannot buy you everything. Still, that's why the good Lord, in his infinite mercy, created the Cayman Islands.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Right... And, so ends another Alternate Reality News Service forum. I'd like to thank -
LANGUAGE CORRECTOR DUDE: It's a shame nobody could hear me, because -
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Oh! Language Corrector Dude! Have you been sitting there the whole time?
LANGUAGE CORRECTOR DUDE: You...you can hear me?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Of course I can hear you - you're sitting right next to me! I'm not deaf, you know!
LANGUAGE CORRECTOR DUDE: But...
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Why didn't you say anything? I'm sure your input on the panel would have been invaluable!
LANGUAGE CORRECTOR DUDE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!
This forum was edited for purposes of clarity, asperity, alacrity and avoiding lawsuits.