Thank you, Manoush Milliken, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we discovered that Facebook has a Chief Privacy Officer. Really? Isn't that like having a vegetarian chef prepare the meals for the lions at the zoo? Or, a drug manufacturer having an expert on herbal remedies on its Board of Directors? Or, Bruce Willis being chosen as the spokesmodel for a line of designer hairbrushes?
Some things in life make no sense. Then, there are the things that make even less sense than that...
Enjoy,Law firm SNR Denton is suing Noah Webster, William Shakespeare and 27 other defendants on behalf of the oil industry and the government of Alberta. What is their offence? Creating a language that makes satire possible.
"Our clients have come under a lot of ridicule from late night talk show hosts and Internet video producers like Andy Cobb and Mike Damanskis," stated Denton partner Jordan R.M. Deering. "This has delayed projects from going forward, much to the financial detriment of our clients.
"Oh, and, it's not very pleasant to be on the receiving end of such 'humour,' let me tell you!"
Denton could have sued the individual comedians, Deering explained, but the underlying problem would have remained. "As long as the English language makes it possible for people to make fun of things, the oil patch will always be a subject of ridicule. So, we decided to go after the source."
Willifred P. Stang, a lawyer for Shakespeare, said, "My client has been dead for almost 400 years. But, if you think this lawsuit can somehow work for your clients, you run with that."
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=39ddccd7-w6w3-4x4x-9z25-z2gb4ff6b528]
more
Premier Pauline Marois says that she sees the planned "Charter of Quebec Values" that bans displays of religious symbols by public servants as uniting the people of Quebec. Mission accomplished! The people of the province sure seem to be united in their hatred for the Charter of Quebec Values.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
more
And, Half Of Them Will Be Lying When They Say They Enjoy It
A Florida businessman and an Illinois company have teamed up to create Carlos Danger weiners. It's a funny political comment, but I don't know how well it will work as a product. I mean, the only people who are likely to eat them are gay men and women trying to spice up a boring marriage!
SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel - Live! (On Tape Delay)
[http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/jimmy-kippel-live-ish/blogs/monologue]
more
Chemical Weapons and Strategic Missile Strikes: The Modern Dialogue Of The Deaf Is More Expressive Than Sign Language
The tragedy in Syria can be seen as a classic case of miscommunication.
WHAT THE UNITED STATES SAID: Chemical weapons are a red line that Syria had better not cross. WHAT SYRIAN PRESIDENT BASHAR al-ASSAD HEARD: Go ahead. Use chemical weapons - I dare you! What are you, chicken? Chiiiiicken, chicken chicken! You wouldn't dare!
WHAT THE UNITED STATES SAID: Despite the excuses and equivocations that some have manufactured, it is inexcusable. WHAT SYRIAN PRESIDENT BASHAR al-ASSAD HEARD: You have some wiggle room - continue to go nuts. But, uhh, try to do a better job of burying the evidence.
WHAT THE UNITED STATES SAID: The killing of women and children and innocent bystanders by chemical weapons is a moral obscenity. WHAT SYRIAN PRESIDENT BASHAR al-ASSAD HEARD: If you had been killing women and children and innocent bystanders with drones, we would have no problems now.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=775&dir=bb]
more
And, By "Hilarity," We Mean "Attempts To Deflect Attention From The Real Problem"
9pm. Fox. 54 Division's Bloopers, Bleepers, Blunders and Practical Jokes. A white cop drops a baggie of cocaine on a counter in a black smoke shop owner's store in Schenectady County, New York. What follows is just a typical arrest in the war on drugs, except that the cop's actions are caught on video, which soon goes viral on the Internet. Oops. Hilarity ensues.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
more
Death Takes A Statutory Holiday
One unfortunate result of Detroit going bankrupt is that it cannot afford the special paper it needs to issue Death Certificates. As a result, city officials are asking residents not to die.
"It's only for a few days - you know, just until we get this sorted out," said Detroit Out of Comptroller Norman Debussy. "And, who wouldn't want an extra few days of life?"
What if somebody was so determined to stop living that they couldn't wait for the city to figure out how to issue Death Certificates? "If that's how little they think of their home town," Debussy testily commented, "we would recommend that they go to a nearby city to snuff it."
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/nation/2013-07-27-papering-over-an-ugly-truth_x.htm]
more
He Should Never Have Quit The Family Insurance Business
Ben Affleck has been signed to play The Batman opposite Henry Cavill's Superman in the sequel to Man of Steel. How should a fan of the comics feel about this?
You want Chasing Amy. You'll settle for Daredevil. You'll get Gigli.
Learn to settle now. It will make your life so much easier.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
more
Missouri lawmakers are doing everything they can to block implementation of the Affordable Care Act, claiming that poor health is "a basic American right."
To ensure that the state's health standards are as low as they can be, Missouri has passed laws making it impossible to set up Health Exchanges - "A Communist encroachment on lung disease!" according to State Senator Rob Schaaf - and forbidding public officials from even discussing them.
"We do everything right to make sure we are as sick as possible," Schaaf explained. "We eat the fattiest foods. We smoke. We drink alcohol. We drive our cars to the corner grocery store instead of walking. We have earned our terrible mortality rate, and, dammit, the Obama government has no business trying to take that away from us!"
"That's an...interesting interpretation," responded Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. "It's unfortunate the Act didn't focus more on mental health..."
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2013Aug02.html]
more