Thank you, Lillian Lailani, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we made a list of our monthly expenses (chocolate is a necessity - don't judge!) and sat down with a calculator to figure out how long we will have to work to keep ourselves in the lifestyle to which we are accustomed as we grow older. Good news! We can retire comfortably at the age of 55...as long as we die at the age of 54...
Enjoy,Actually, We're Pretty Sure The Funders Of The Institute Did Make That Guarantee
A group of single mothers has released a report that claims that a Fraser Institute researcher can support a family of four on a mere $300,000 a year.
"We know this seems low," said Gretchen Mustaffah, lead writer of the report, "but it has been done before, so everybody who leads that kind of life should now be held to that standard. It may not be the most comfortable way to live - for that little money, we understand that some sacrifices will have to be made. Still, nobody guaranteed Fraser Institute employees a life of luxury!"
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=39sfccd7-f6g3-4f4f-9f96-b2eb4cc6a438]
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Two Words: ARE YOU TRYING TO DIE OF A HEART ATTACK?!
The Canadian National Exhibition opened a couple of days ago. One of the things I am most looking forward to is trying the Cronut burger. Mmmmm. Start with croissant doughnuts, then add burgery goodness and -
What? Why are you looking at me like that?
SOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/news/city/its-not-our-life-go-cronuts/]
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The People's Business Is None Of The People's Business
The New Democrat Party has demanded special Commons hearings on a controversial federal government policy that would allow an American company to enter Canada's wireless market. In response, the Conservative Party has announced that Parliament will be prorogued until October.
"Where did I put my mukluks?" explained Prime Minister Stephen Harper.
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2013/08/20/609726.html]
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Good Thing We're Not Like That!
A female politician who was legitimately elected "first alternate member" of the city council in Qazvin, Iran, was denied her right to sit among the other representatives because she was deemed "too sexy" by the conservative election review board. The Iowa Supreme Court ruled today that employers can fire employees towards whom they have an "irresistible attraction," irrespective of the latter's workplace conduct.
"We don't want a catwalk model on the council," one official was quoted as saying. According to court documents, Dr. James Knight - described by his lawyer as "a very religious and moral individual" - once told Nelson the bulge in his pants was an indication that her clothes were too revealing.
Speaking to the local press, Nina Siakhali Moradi pushed back against the decision, saying she earned her seat through the people's vote. "These judges sent a message to Iowa women that they don't think men can be held responsible for their sexual desires and that Iowa women are the ones who have to monitor and control their bosses' sexual desires," Paige Fiedler told the Associated Press.
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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The Eternal Struggle (Give Or Take A Week Or Two)
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist counters that the liquid is poisoned.
The optimist points out that the poisoned liquid will help you build an immunity.
The pessimist insists that you will be very sick, if you don't die outright.
The optimist argues that you can't truly know wellness without sickness.
The pessimist throws up its hands and shouts that there's no arguing with the optimist.
The optimist says it always appreciates a healthy give and take because there is so much to learn from people who disagree with you.
The pessimist strangles the optimist.
The optimist gurgles happily, knowing that its suffering will soon be at an end.
SOURCE: Everyday Zen
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/EverydayZen/koan242.html]
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A Harshly Worded Diplomatic Communique Should Show The Generals Exactly How We Feel On The Matter
Dear Santa,
Why are Canadians Tarek Loubani and John Greyson being held in Cairo by the Egyptian government? Loubani is a doctor and Greyson is a filmmaker - could they be any more harmless?
Stephen H.Because Egypt is a military dictatorship, and it can do what it wants.
Ho Ho Ho,PS: proroguing Parliament before it has even started sitting so you can manipulate public opinion in advance of a coming election? Really, Stephen? Are you even trying to get off the naughty list?
SOURCE: Ask Santa a Question
[http://www.asksantaaquestion.ca]
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Given how widespread Internet surveillance by governments, including, but not limited to, the United States, Canada and Sumer, is, you would be wise to stay away from controversial words or phrases such as "terrorize," "violence" or "back porch" in your emails, instant messages and telegrammes. What if you want to use a word that would probably get you put on a watch list somewhere? Find an alternative.
Consider the word "bomb." It is used in so many ways in so many contexts, it might be hard to avoid. You could, for instance, be talking about a film that did poorly at the box office. In this case, instead of using the word bomb, you could use words such as "tank," " is a complete and utter artistic and popular failure" or "Ishtar."
"[INSERT MOVIE TITLE HERE] completely Ishtarred in its opening weekend." It has a ring to it, don't you think?
Bomb is a versatile word that can also mean "was completely and utterly drunk." You really don't want to have your life scrutinized by the FBI just because you overindulged on a holiday long weekend, a friend's special occasion or Thursday, do you? Of course not! Fortunately, English comes to the rescue with such alternatives as "toasted," "wasted," "shitfaced" and "Lohaned."
Or, you may be a military history buff who wants to discuss how bombing raids helped the Rebel Alliance win the War of the Roses. You, uhh, may want to do that in person, in a public space with a lot of room around you and the person you are talking to. Right now is not a really good time to be a military history buff online.
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/130811/geeklynews/01onlineprivacyhahaha.htm]
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