Quoth the Maven, "Evermore."

Once To Find Out Where The Gun Is Kept
And A Second Time To Determine How Best To Get It Away From Its Owner

"It sends a statement that criminals better think twice." - Spring City, Utah Councilman Neil Sorensen on an ordinance telling every homeowner to buy a gun

When Our Male Soldiers Rape Our Female Soldiers, On The Other Hand, It's To Build Camaraderie And Troop Cohesion

"The people we are likely to meet on the next battlefield are people who use rape and sexual abuse as actual tools of politics." - David Frum, right wing pundit, on the Obama administration policy allowing women to fight on the front lines

Because Getting Your Limbs Blown Off In War Is A Particularly Manly Pursuit (Although, Honestly, I Don't Remember That From Any Of The Antiperspirant Commercials Of My Youth)

"Feminism's latest victory: the right to get your limbs blown off in war. Congratulations." - Tucker Carlson, other right wing pundit, on the Obama administration policy allowing women to fight on the front lines

Women Don't Have Strength And Stamina? Have You Ever Given Birth?

"Women in combat will not work. God did not design the female frame with the necessary strength and stamina... Obama putting women in combat is part of an intentional plan on his part to feminize and weaken the U.S. military." - American Family Association spokesman Bryan Fischer, on...do I really have to tell you what?

If Not Fish, Then...What? Plastic?

"Good caviar should not taste 'fishy' but rather capture the fresh essence of the ocean." - Globe and Mail writer Sue Riedl

Thanks For The Shout Out, But At That Point, You'll Have A Country It Won't Be Worth Our While To Invade

"[A] military strong enough to keep Canadians on their side of the border." - conservative lobbyist Grover Norquist on the only good use of tax dollars

 When I Say "Lively," I Mean Sedate
When I Say "Discussion," I Mean Agreement With My Position
When I Say "Apologize," I Mean Something That Cannot Be Repeated In A Family Publication

"I apologize on behalf of this group of councillors. We had hoped for a more lively discussion." - Councillor Gord Parks, interrupting a public consultation on a casino in Toronto to announce that he would convene an impromptu roundtable gathering in an upstairs committee room because most of the people there opposed the idea

I Guess A Thirteen Per Cent Tax Rate Allows You To Publish Your Own Dictionary

It is "a great democracy." - French actor Gerard Depardieu on why he has moved to Russia

His Personal Dance Is Entertaining In Its Own Right

"Because I refuse your question. I'm not your slave and you're not my master. You can't make me dance to your tune. I'm not a monkey." - Quentin Tarantino, refusing to answer a question from a British reporter about the relationship between his films and violence in real life violence

So, You've Given Up, Then?

"The only hope we have is through the media." - Alfhard Brandl on finding surviving relatives of an unknown Canadian soldier in a photograph from WWI

Nothing Is Certain In This Life Except Death And Right Wing Hypocrisy

Asking for mandatory carriage "would be tantamount to a tax on everyone with cable or satellite service." - Kory Teneycke, explaining in 2010 why the Sun News Network would never, never, never ask the CRTC to force cable companies to carry it...for three years

The Fact That Their Satanic Evil Bastard Dictator Is Dying Will Make Things Easier

"We have for some time made it clear that we were willing and open to trying to improve our ties with Venezuela." - Victoria Nuland, State Department spokesperson

All Those People Living There Are A Statistical Anomaly

"I gotta tell you, I wouldn't want it in my neighbourhood, but, at the same time, you're not putting it in a residential area." - OLG chair Paul Godfrey on why putting a casino downtown would not be a bad thing

Or Portland...Or Minneapolis...Or Milwaukee...Or Aurora...Or Seattle...Or Fairfax...Or...

"Our leaders do not believe that their legal choices of firearms should be dictated by a homicidal maniac in Connecticut." - the National Rifle Association

Time To Boil That Lance

"I have never doped. I can say it again, but I've said it for seven years, it doesn't help. But, the fact of the matter is I haven't." - Lance Armstrong, interviewed by Larry King in 2005

 "My cocktail, so to speak, was only EPO, [blood] transfusions and testosterone, which in a weird way I almost justified because of my history." - Lance Armstrong, interviewed by Oprah Winfrey in 2013

You Can't Do Both? Bankruptcy Is Flexible That Way...

"I'd rather end up on welfare than give our hard-earned assets to these vultures." - Frank Mills, Nortel retiree

So, Cellphones Cause Women To Be Raped?

"[Women having mobile phones] encourages them to make futile small talk and get connected with people outside their homes." - Rajpul Saini, member of Indian Parliament

So, It's Okay For Women To Talk On Cellphones Because If They Are Respectable They Won't Be Raped?

"Until today, I have not seen a single incident of rape with a respected lady" - Manohar Lal Sharma, lawyer for three of the accused in a brutal bus rape and murder in India

 But, Will Eating Chow Mein Lead To Rape Before Or After The Woman Talks On Her Cellphone?
And, What About Respectable Women?
Seriously, If You Cannot Get These Details Straight, How Are Women Supposed To Protect Themselves Short Of Never Leaving Their Ho - ooooooooh

"To my understanding, consumption of fast food contributes to such incidents. Chow mein leads to hormonal imbalance evoking an urge to indulge in such acts." - Jitendar Chattar, leader of a local governing council

 He's So Modest!
Being A Real Man, Ford Never Puts The Toilet Seat Down

"Politics - you're like a toilet seat. You're up one day, you're down the next." - Toronto City Councillor Doug Ford on his political ambitions