Thank you, Mr.Ludo Wijngaarden, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, New Democratic Party leader Jack Layton announced that he had cancer, which would force him to step aside for at least the summer. When we heard the news, we wondered if Prime Minister Stephen Harper had made a pact with the devil to eliminate all of his rivals for power. Unfortunately, being wishy-washy left-leaning liberal types, we tend to be agnostics, so this explanation, as tempting as it was, wouldn't work for us. Damn you, ethno-political stereotypes!
Enjoy,MAKE SURE THEY DON'T SHAKE HANDS!
A team of physicists at the Hong Kong University of Science and Technology led by Professor Du Shengwang held a press conference yesterday to claim that they have conclusively proven that time travel is impossible. "By measuring the speed of a photon," Professor Du began to explain, "we have shown that -"
Before he could continue, there was a flash of light and a heavy outpouring of steam from a corner of the room. After a couple of seconds, an older Professor Du stepped out of the smoke, followed by the other equally aged members of his team. "Not so fast!" the older Professor Du cried.
"Well," the younger Professor Du commented, "this is awkward."
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1524H3EC-2C197-20K5-AAA1032614B711276]
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Cockeyed Cauci
Transcript of a meeting between Republican Congressional leadership and their caucuses.
JOHN BOEHNER: There are some things you clearly don't understand about current debt ceiling negotiations. To make sure we're all on the same page, I'd like to remind you of some basic concepts. To start with: two plus two equals four.
ERIC CANTOR: Not necessarily.
BOEHNER: No, Eric. Necessarily. That's just basic math.
CANTOR: Look, if the private sector has two jobs, and the government creates two more jobs, at the end of the day, you're still left with only two jobs, because we know that jobs created by the government aren't real jobs.
BOEHNER: (shouting) You arrogant little shit! You think I can't see what's going on? If you blow things up in the House, I'll get blamed and, eventually, you'll get my job! Well, that's not the way it's supposed to work! We do that to the Democrats, dammit, we don't do that to each other!
MITCH McCONNELL: What I think my distinguished colleague is trying to say is that the quality of the jobs is not relevant to this discussion. When you add two and two you always get four.
MICHELE BACHMANN: Not if you're a Democrat putting together a budget. Then, two plus two equals a 14 trillion dollar deficit!
McCONNELL: Look, what we're trying to explain here is that some things really aren't about politics. Like...math. Two plus two really isn't a partisan issue.
BACHMANN: Mitch, you've been in the Senate a long time. You look tired. You look...worn out. If you weren't, you would know that everything is a partisan issue.
PAUSE.
BOEHNER: (to McConnell) We're fucked, aren't we?
McCONNELL: (to Boehner) Completely and utterly.
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-473cahs01.html]
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You Could Use One Of Those Shirts To Put A Substantial Downpayment On A House
The Department of National Defense intends to stop using a dedicated civilian cargo ship for hauling military supplies after finding out that it lost millions of dollars on the arrangement. Although DND paid $21.3 million for use of the ship, it estimates that only $3.4 million was spent on actually moving cargo.
"This is not a precedent," Defence Minister Peter McKay commented. "We have full faith that the private sector will be an important partner in Canadian defense initiatives moving forward."
To drive the point home, McKay introduced t-shirts that depicted a soldier shaking hands with a man in a business suit; the caption on the shirt read: "The Canadian Forces: Making the world safe for international commerce." McKay said he had 200 of the shirts made at a cost of $21.3 million.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088507431713
&call_pageid=964332328492&col=968439932604]
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LOLCats At War: Death From A Distance
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Quick, Get Me Rewrite Before We Invade Another Country!
Excerpt from an early draft of the pilot for the TV series Falling Skies:
TOM MASON: A small force can repel stronger invaders by making it too costly for them to occupy a place. Consider Vietnam. That's what hap - okay, that's a really bad example. How about...err...
HAL MASON: Afghanistan?
TOM MASON: Right. Perfect. After the Russians invaded Afghanistan, at first it seemed like -
HAL MASON: The Russians invaded Afghanistan?
TOM MASON: That's right.
HAL MASON: I'm not old enough to remember that. I was talking about when we invaded Afghanistan.
TOM MASON: When we invaded Afghanistan?
HAL MASON: Yeah. We. Us. The United States?
TOM MASON: Okay, another bad example.
ANTHONY: Iraq?
HAL MASON: Okay, you obviously get the idea - we don't have to go into details. Don't we - don't we have to loot a supermarket for supplies or something?
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/fallingdramamorelike.shtml]
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The Word "Falafel" Awaits American Sensitivity Training
Some people are objecting to using the term "haboob" to describe the massive dust storms sweeping through Arizona. "We've got men and women in uniform killing foreigner bastards," explained Lupe L. Lautrec, a representative of nobody, including herself. "The last thing they want is to come home and find us using the foreign bastards' language to explain American weather!"
Lautrec's preferred term for this phenomenon is "freedom sandstorms."
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1125549630269861.xml]
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Theatre's Loss Would Be The Country's Gain
Prime Minister Stephen Harper, responding to the play Homegrown, said, "I just think most Canadians would find anything that glorifies terrorism to be abhorrent." His attempt to criticize a play he hadn't seen would be laughable if the Conservative government didn't cut funding in its next budget for the theatre company that staged it.
It's good to know that when he leaves public office, Harper has a career as a theatre critic ahead of him.
On Romeo and Juliet: "I just think most Canadians would find anything that glorifies teen sexuality to be abhorrent."
On The Tragedy of Julius Caesar: "I just think most Canadians would find anything that glorifies political assassination to be abhorrent. Very abhorrent, indeed."
On Hamlet: "I just think most Canadians would find anything that glorifies the breakdown of the nuclear family to be abhorrent."
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2011/07/22/509727.html]
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