Thank you, Aida Bea, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we panicked that the world was going to end on December 31, 2011. Look! It's right there! The calendar ends on that day! Brown Trout Publishers clearly knows something the rest of us don't! The world will come to an end on December 31! Then, just as we felt flecks of foam appear at the corners of our mouths, somebody showed us a 2012 calendar. Oh, phew! The world is safe for another year!
Enjoy,After The Supreme Court, There's Always So You Think You Can Dance, Canada?
INT. PRIME MINISTER'S OFFICE - DAY
A shabby old man is being interviewed by PRIME MINISTER STEPHEN HARPER.
PRIME MINISTER HARPER: So, Mister... (consults paper on his desk) Volestrangler - am I pronouncing that right?
ADRIAN VOLESTRANGLER: I put the accent on the fifth syllable, but otherwise you've got it right, yes.
Harper looks confused for a moment, then decides to let it go.
HARPER: So, you want to be a Supreme Court judge?
VOLESTRANGLER: That is correct, yes.
HARPER: Are you experienced on the bench?
VOLESTRANGLER: The, ah, you mean the park bench?
HARPER: I mean: have you been a judge before?
VOLESTRANGLER: Ah. Not as such - no. But, I am told I am very judgmental.
HARPER: Okay. Some people might object, but, for me, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Suppose...suppose somebody sued the government to get greater access to cabinet documents. How would you rule?
VOLESTRANGLER: (shouting) Off with their heads!
HARPER: (smiling) Well, now, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Where do you stand on the issue of abortion?
VOLESTRANGLER: (a little confused) Off with their, uhh, their heads?
HARPER: The Canada Health Care Act?
VOLESTRANGLER: (more confused) Off...off with their...off with their, umm, heads?
HARPER: Well, you're consistent. I'll give you that. But, honestly, Mister Volestrangler, what makes you think you're qualified to be a Justice on the Supreme Court of Canada?
VOLESTRANGLER: I'll do whatever you say.
HARPER: (enthusiastic) You're in!
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
more
This Is What Happens When People Spend More Time Thinking About Body Waxing Than Voting
The legislature of South Dakota has passed draconian new laws that interfere with an individual's Constitutionally guaranteed right to purchase a house. Previous legislation forced real estate agents to give women contemplating buying a home a two hour lecture on the evils of private property. The new law would additionally force the potential home owner to wait three days, then go to a Happy Homeowners Association office, then listen to the real estate agent give the lecture on the evils of private property all over again.
The Happy Homeowners Association is, of course, no such thing - it's members do not necessarily have training or even a background in real estate and the national organization is not monitored by any professional group. In fact, it appears to be a front for the Communist Party of America that uses disinformation and outright lies - like buying a new home leads to breast cancer - in order to dissuade women from exercising their rights.
"This is outrageous," said Democratic state senator Morris Shlobotkin. "And, if the Republicans didn't have an unbreakable majority, you can bet I would do something about it!"
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2011/ALLPOLITICS/05/12/reps.main/index.html]
more
But, When I'm Done With It, It Will Be A Fifth Rate Capitalist Country
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
more
Then, The US Tries To Score Some Killer Weed From Canada And Mexico Sulks In A Corner And Beats Itself Up
It's like high school all over again.
The United States stops Pakistan by the lockers and says, "You've been hanging out with Al Qaeda again, haven't you?" So, Pakistan gets all in the United States' face and replies, "What if I have? I'm not your bitch! I can hang out with whoever I want!" And, like, the US is all, "How many times have I helped you out when you didn't have enough lunch money? You owe me, man - you owe me big time!" And Pakistan is all, "Whatever. I'm going to the cafeteria to spend some time with my new BFF...China!"
Of course, if this were a John Hughes movie, it would be a hell of a lot funnier than what's happening in real life.
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
more
Tin Cans And String Are A More Secure Alternative
The Playstation Network is back after almost a month's absence due to a massive security breach that affected more than 100 million online accounts.
The three people who haven't switched over to the XBox were delighted by the news.
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/110513/geeklynews/01bharbalucinda.htm]
more
Somebody Needs A Good Spanking (Unless They Would Enjoy It...)
Forty-two House freshman Republicans, led by Adam Kinzinger, sent a letter to President Obama asking the Democrats to turn down the rhetoric and hold a "fact-based conversation immediately" on Medicare. Oddly enough, there was no mention in the letter of Obamacare death panels. Perhaps not so oddly, the Republicans want to avoid mentioning how all but one of them voted for the Paul Ryan budget, which would transform Medicare into a voucher system, effectively gutting it.
The Absurd Ironyometer wonders if it should get its nanny costume out, because some children appear to be getting quite petulant.
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
more
Customer Indifference Is A Winning Market Strategy
Alexander O'Blats beer has a rich history, starting in prehistoric days when it was brewed with tree bark and mastadon spit. Over time, we refined the recipe; in the 1850s, our master brewers made O'Blats beer with tree bark and beaver spit. But, however we made it, O'Blats beer always gave its drinkers the warm feeling that comes with dying brain cells, and that's really what beer is all about, isn't it? Whether made in large vats by proud, poorly paid and semi-literate immigrants to Canada way back when, or in small vats by large Swiss corporations using the latest in automated brewing technologies, Alexander O'Blats beer still gets you shitfaced, and that's all you really about, isn't it?
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1601432607]
more