THE FATUOUS CIRCLE
Thank you, Prince Maxwell Katif, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, did we tell you how much we love you? No, really, man. Without you, we'd be nothing. NOTHING! We can't stop thinking about you...can't stop wondering what it would be like if - dare we imagine! - you felt the same way about us. Could you - do you - we mean, are you -
Shit. We gotta stop drunk editorializing!
Enjoy,As The Famous Philosopher Morgan Freeman Once Truly Said: "This Can Only End Badly."
THE FATUOUS CIRCLE
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=721&dir=bb]
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Prime Minister Stephen Harper has declared victory in the federal election. "I am delighted," he told a boisterous crowd in his campaign headquarters, "that the people of Canada have entrusted me with a majority government. This will allow me to follow through on the Conservative agenda that had been thwarted by the opposition parties."
The only problem with Harper's triumphant moment is that none of the other parties appeared to know that an election had taken place. Indeed, the public had not been informed of the election, either.
"I always knew this government had a problem with secrecy," said NDP leader Jack Layton, "but this is ridiculous!"
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2011/05/28/stealthdemocracy110528]
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More Proof, As If More Proof Was Needed, Of The Steep Decline In The Quality Of Postsecondary Education
Over 74,000 people have applied for an internship with actor Charlie Sheen. At least 73,000 are psychology majors looking for a thesis subject.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2011/2011/03/09/charliedontsmurf/]
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Try The "Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink" Topping
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Diaper Change You Can Pee In
VileTours Incorporated is suing the American government for reneging on a deal to allow it to schedule events at Guantanamo Bay. The company caters to well off "torture tourists" (people who travel all over the world in order to have "authentic prison experiences").
"Promises were made," Alexander Vile, head of VileTours, stated darkly. "Presidential promises. In public and everything. What am I supposed to tell all of the actors I hired to play prison guards? And, the caterers? Ersatz authentic tasting prison food doesn't cook itself, you know! Ugh - what a nightmare!"
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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These Would Be The Same Experts Who Didn't See The Revolution Coming In The First Place?
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=2976401032]
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Cleaning Out Latrines Is A Vital Contribution To Kicking Alien Ass, But Try Telling THEM That!
It's been six months since the release of Battle: Los Angeles. The good news is that, within the first three months, enlistment in all branches of the military was up 34 per cent. The bad news is that in the last three months, the number of privates who secretly wish to frag their commanding officers is up 57 per cent.
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0172951/]
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Q: At least 17 states with Republican legislatures are enacting laws that would strip workers of their right to unionize. Are they doing this because non-union labour will be cheaper for their corporate funders, or because they figure it will destroy the Democratic opposition by neutering a key source of its financial and electoral base?
A: I have to choose?
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/118^.htm]
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They'll Get My Bra When They Pry It From My Cold, Dead Boobs!
Sang Eun Lee is asking an Ontario judge to dismiss an impaired driving charge against because, she claims, her rights were violated when police demanded that she remove and hand over to them her underwire bra. Apparently, this is standard practice for police in the province, who consider underwire bras potential weapons.
"I wish people would get this straight," said Kimchi Orliss, an attorney for the NUA (National Underwear Association). "Bras don't kill people. Women - and a small number of men who have gender identity issues - kill people!"
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?
pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
1086361890813&call_pageid=878331098492&col=438427972154]
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The Absurd Ironyometer Can Be Shortsighted That Way
Shortly before signing the controversial bill that ends collective bargaining rights for public employees in Wisconsin, Governor Scott Walker complained about the pernicious influence of "union bosses" and "outside money" on the debate over the issue. At the same time, he refused to make public his relationship with the billionaire Koch Brothers or their influence on the policy.
The Absurd Ironyometer would love to be able to take advantage of the Supreme Court's Citizen's United decision, but it decided to eat and pay rent for the next 17 years instead.
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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One Extremely Unanticipated Consequence Of Technology
A demon who identified himself as Shackalacka has been arrested after destroying seven of the 18 screens at a Markham Omniplex. "I was summoned," the demon insisted to police. "I did not come here of my own free will. I was called!"
Shackalacka claimed that Milton Obijwa, an indentured denture manufacturer, made the hand gesture that pulled the demon into this dimension, where it was obligated to do some physical damage. "I can't just appear without breaking something," Shackalacka insisted, "the demon world has rules, you know."
"What? Hand gestures? Demons? I had nothing to do with that," Obijwa stated. "Sure, I was at the Omniplex when the destruction happened. I was in the bathroom, washing my hands. Okay, I was having trouble getting water out of the sink - it was one of those automatic taps - so I had to wave my hands under it a few...times...to - oh, shit."
Omniplex Cineon is considering suing Autotaps Ltd., a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp, for damages incurred by the incident. Shackalacka is considering suing Autotaps Ltd. for false summoning between dimensions. Obijwa is considering asking his brother-in-law for help with the bail.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=40322101318741314623fx]
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