Thank you, Levi Paraprosdokians, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we read about "murder homes," houses on the market in Taiwan that, by law, must disclose whether a murder or suicide has taken place within them. Creepy, yes. But, consider: They can go for anywhere from 20% to 50% below the market price. Sweet! We couldn't afford to move to Taiwan even if we wanted to (which we don't). Still, we're combing the crime pages of local newspapers for potential bargains, and we've got the Ghostbusters on speed dial. When buying a house, it pays to do your homework!
Enjoy,Protests have erupted in Greece, where public sector workers are unhappy at having their benefits cut back at the same time as the government plans to reduce corporate tax rates.
"What do they think, that I'm stupid?" asked rail worker George Spermatakakis. "Well, of course I'm stupid. A complete moron. If they had announced the cuts to my pay two weeks before the reductions in business taxes, I probably wouldn't have connected the two. But, since they're doing them at just about the same time, even I can't miss the injustice!"
Somewhere outside Greece, an IMF agent is snickering to himself.
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LIPOFBGQFIQMFSM5WAVXBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/
POeReDR/s119/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmegi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=21211]
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No Word Yet On Which Instrument Will Represent The Hay Bale
Former Electric Light Orchestra cellist Mike Edwards has died at the age of 62. The cause of death? A 600 kilogram bale of hay, which rolled down a steep hill and collided with the van Edwards was driving.
Jeff Lynne is rumoured to be writing a suite of music to memorialize the event.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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It's Funny Because It's Untrue
Sarah Palin popularized the idea that a Muslim community centre being built in New York was actually a "Ground Zero Mosque." Religious buildings, according to Palin, shouldn't be built if they offend other Americans; does that mean that atheists can argue that no houses of worship should be constructed anywhere in the country?
Reverend Terry Jones planned to burn the Koran because he believed it preached violence. Until he decided not to. Although he retains the right to do so at some later date.
Idle Malkin wrote about "The eternal flame of Muslim outrage," as if waging war on their countries and occupying those with resources we want isn't cause enough for their outrage. Oh, and that eternal flame? The bad news is that it is fueled by oil. The good news? It won't last forever.
Ann Cleese wrote: "If Islam is not responsible for terrorism, why is Vinnie responsible for slavery?" Umm, because Vinnie's family owned slaves?
Gilliam Beck argued, without the least bit of evidence, that President Obama was a racist. Worse: that Obama was personally responsible for the design of buildings in the Rockefeller Centre Plaza.
Rush Chapman bellowed that stopping the community centre is necessary to saving American society. Apparently, interfaith jazzercize classes are a threat to our way of life.
Thus, the comedy troupe is complete.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/118^.htm]
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Excrapolate (verb): to draw false conclusions from faulty data. EXAMPLE: "Let me see if I understand this correctly. The Prime Minister has a poll that shows that 76 per cent of polar bears are against the long gun registry, and he argues that this proves that the Canadian health care system should be run by polar bears? Man, he excrapolates better than just about anybody I know!"
SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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9pm. The Food Network. The Opener. Some may find David Adjey's combative attitude offensive, but his job is to prepare restaurants for their first day of operations, and he will do it by any means necessary!
10pm. TNT. The Closer. Brenda Johnson and the team investigate the murder of a famous chef whose reality television series is a ratings disaster. David Adjey guest stars.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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They're Like Peanuts: Once You Start...
10 Most Inane Aerosmith Song Lyrics
Sorry, but there were too many to choose from; our heads exploded at 50.
SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2010/September/Aerosmith_And_Wesson.asp]
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The Wash Has Never Been So White
One of my roommates crapped out on us at the last minute (last time I trust some weirdo who came all the way from Brampton!), so we have a room free this term. I think I'd like to use it to hold an inquiry into police conduct towards protestors at the G20 summit.
I know I won't have subpoena powers. I know I won't be able to compel evidence under oath. I'm only in second year engineering, after all. Still, this won't be any different from the review that the civilian Police Services Board will undertake. Or, Police Chief Blair's internal review. Or, the Independent Police Review Director's probe. Or, the provincial ombudsman's investigation.
Yeah, so, the only difference between me and them is that I am actually kind of curious to know what happened.
SOURCE: The Wryersonian Eyewash
[http://theeyewash.com/category/letters/]
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Just One More Ensign Of The Moral Decay Permeating Society
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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This Is A Testicular - Do Not Panic, This Is Only A Testicular
Facebook has pulled an advertisement by Toronto Public Health that warns men to test themselves for testicular cancer. The popular social networking Web site claims that the ad was distasteful and threatening.
They have a point. True, the tag line for the ad, "Learn to do monthly self exams or we will come to your house and hit you over the head until you smarten up," does seem a little over the top. Still, as Dr. David McKeown, Toronto's medical officer of health pointed out, "It's not like we said that if they didn't test themselves, we would come to their house and give them testicular cancer!"
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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