Thank you, Erin Dym, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we improvised some jokes about the public release of the iPad, mostly comparing it - unflatteringly - to a feminine hygiene product. Man, we had some great gags - really, stuff that would curl your grandma's dentures! Then, we did a Google search and found that at least 1,027 bloggers had made similar - if less skillfully executed - jokes within the first five seconds of the iPad's release. SON OF A BITCH!
The Internet is killing professional comedy.
Enjoy,"Death Trap On Wheels" Slogan Would Attract Interest Of Teenagers
Facing the biggest recall in its history, Toyota Motor Corporation plans a media blitz featuring its top North American officials in an effort to renew its reputation.
"We had them work on puppy dog eyes," said ad executive Mimi Mimosa. "That tested pretty well with many of our key demographic groups, but we thought we could do better, so we taught them how to do anime eyes, which are 40 per cent bigger than dog eyes. This didn't go over well with our predominantly North American audience. Go figure. We're now looking into the CIA's 'Sparkly Eyes' programme - this could be just what we need."
"Consumers are resistant to the idea that a company shouldn't be judged harshly because its products are rolling death traps," Mimosa added. "Who knew?"
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=lot49-cd7-f7f3-4f4f-9f45-a2eb4cc6a528]
more
Yes, Minister Was A Documentary!
Ambitious (adjective). Political synonym for "highly unlikely." USAGE: The Canadian Association of Petroleum Producers called the 17 per cent target for carbon emissions reductions "ambitious."
Very ambitious (adjective). Political synonym for "not in your children's children's children's lifetimes gonna happen!" USAGE: The Canadian Association of Petroleum Producers called the 17 per cent target for carbon emissions reductions "very ambitious."
SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
more
It May Be Sentiment, But It Sure Ain't Cheap
February 15. Cheap Commercial Sentiment Day. This special celebration is geared towards jewelers, florists, greeting card publishers and anybody else whose business model relies on exploiting people's sentiments on holidays created for the purpose of selling products by exploiting people's sentiments. It is traditional to sacrifice a small intern on this day for the good of the company, although these days firing is more socially acceptable than throwing him into an active volcano.
SOURCE: The Non-existent Pages
[http://www.utopia.tv/erewhon/index.html]
more
Wants To Get Back To Watching Murder She Wrote
Former Presidential candidate and sort of, kind of de facto leader of the Republican Party John McCain, sensing momentum for his party in the win in Massachusetts, reiterated his position on health care reform: "You damn government doctors get off my lawn!"
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
more
Where Was The Apocalypto Boycott When We Needed It?
The Toronto chapter of the Jewish Defense League is calling for a boycott of Mel Gibson's new movie, Edge of Darkness, because of an anti-Semitic rant he gave while being arrested for drunk driving in 2006. As usual, the JDL is way off base.
People should boycott Mel Gibson's new movie because Mel Gibson makes really bad movies.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2010/2010/01/30/melshells/]
more
What Was That About The Conservatives Not Making Hypocritical Pledges?
Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper has pledged to make child and maternal health in developing nations a priority at the G8 Summit in a couple of years. The Inuit infant mortality rate is four times the Canadian average and 70 per cent of Inuit preschoolers live in homes where there isn't always enough food.
When it heard Harper's commitment, the Absurd Ironyometer almost choked on its triple backflip macho mocha rio grande Latino latte. Eh.
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
more
Charity Starts In The Womb
Several Baptists have been arrested in Haiti on charges of child trafficking. They were taking orphans to be adopted by Americans, but, as it turned out, many of the children had parents. "From all our accounts, this is simply a paperwork issue," claimed Drew Ham, a pastor with the Central Valley Baptist Church in Idaho.
Well, yes. Several death certificates appear to be missing.
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2010-01-25-do-you-know-where-your-children-r_x.htm]
more
Testifying before Congress, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Admiral Mike Mullen clearly stated his opposition to the almost 20 year-old policy known as "don't sniff, don't smell." "It comes down to integrity," Admiral Mullen stated. "It is wrong to force people to lie to serve their country."
Don't sniff, don't smell essentially allows men who like to wear strong aftershave to serve in the army as long as they do not actually wear it. As long as they are able to keep their enjoyment of heavily scented colognes to themselves, military leaders are not allowed to sniff them to determine if they are using any.
This has put Republicans in a tough spot. On the one hand, they have long maintained that they would defer to the opinion of military leaders on this issue. On the other hand, sprays in the military is something that they have long opposed. Vehemently opposed. Mindlessly opposed. So far, at least 27 Republicans have slammed Admiral Mullen for everything from "undermining the cohesiveness of the troops" to "having a pro-aftershave bias."
For Republicans, this is restraint.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2010Feb01.html]
more
From Super Bowl To Ty-D-Bowl
INT. BIFF'S DEN - DAY
BIFF, BRAD and SANJAY are sitting on a couch, watching a wide screen TV. A half-full bowl of popcorn and over a dozen empty beer cans are scattered about the floor.
BRAD: Boobies.
SANJAY: BOOBIES!
BIFF: BOOBIES!
SANJAY: Boobies fall out of bra!
BIFF: No. Boobies not fall out of bra.
SANJAY: No?
BIFF: No.
SANJAY: Sanjay sad.
BRAD: Why? Boobies!
BIFF: BOOBIES!
SANJAY: Yay - boobies!
BIFF: That...Tim Tebow?
BRAD: Hey! That am Tim Tebow!
SANJAY: What him say?
PAUSE.
BIFF: He...he appears to be taking a stand against abortion.
BRAD: Really? Why would Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow attempt to inject...politics into our Bacchanalian festivities?
SANJAY: I know not. In addition, I was under the distinct impression that the Super Bowl eschewed advocacy advertisements.
BRAD: It does appear to be the height of presumption.
BIFF: Quite.
PAUSE.
BRAD: Mmm...shiny car!
BIFF: Shiny car sure am fast!
SANJAY: Me want shiny fast car!
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227246]
more