Thank you, Brisco Mapes, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we were awed by the surprising results of the special election in Massachusetts (well, surprising to people who hadn't been paying attention to the polls in the last week). When he was 22, winner Scott Brown, who had run as a holier than thou, born again fiscal conservative, had posed nude for Cosmo magazine.
And, that's what we love about the United States - the country really knows how to bring the crazy!
Enjoy,Give My Regards To An IED The Next Time You Run Into One
Dear Governor Hoekstra,
I blush. I am grateful to you for your kind words.
Honestly, it is I who should be thanking you for your help in my cause. Without your constant belligerence - not to mention your support for your country's wars - I would not be able to recruit so many pliable young devotees to my cause. The fact that you are willing to continue with this even though you are now a Governor - which is not usually considered a position that has a lot of say on national security - is an inspiration to young Jihadists around the world.
Of course, if anybody asks, I will still have to say that you are the Great Satan and that I would like to see your severed head at the top of a very tall pole. I think we both understand politics. However, if you are ever in the mountainous region of Pakistan on the other side of the border with Afghanistan, please drop in on my cave. We can read the Koran together.
Your BFF,SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-79463748648263272301cahs01.html]
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Magazine To Lose 12 Year-old Male Demographic
After 90 years, the publication The Beaver is changing its name to Canada's History. Oh, great! Get rid of the last reason anybody would have to buy the magazine!
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.42.53/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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Obviously, Not As Well As I Didn't Think
How well do you know... Buelow Bohlmann?
1) When Buelow was 12, she...SOURCE: Farcebook
[http://www.farcebook.com/profile.php?v=feed&id=618510235#/note.php?note_id=68908266376&ref=mf]
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Former Governor: "I'm Not Lazy, I'm Just Consolidating Things"
Some people were taken by surprise that Sarah Palin has taken a job as a commentator on Fox News. They shouldn't have been. Since Palin quit her job as Alaska governor, it has become clear that she is work averse but wants to rake in big bucks. And, what pays more and requires less effort than being a television pundit?
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2010/2010/01/13/sarahisntthereaah/]
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C-DIK: Double The Standards, Double The Fun!
CALLER ONE: I don't want some sicko pervert to be looking at the private parts of 10 year-olds at airports!
DANTE "DICK" ROVERSIDE: No.
EVAN "DICK" LAMANCHUCK: Absolutely not. Next caller.
ROVERSIDE: That's what accessing the Internet from home is for.
LAMANCHUCK: I don't know this man.
ROVERSIDE: I'm just say -
LAMANCHUK: NEXT CALLER!
CALLER TWO: Hi. You know, on the other hand, we will be able to see girl parts.
LAMANCHUCK: You mean: woman parts?
CALLER TWO: Of course. Adult woman parts.
ROVERSIDE: All of them?
CALLER TWO: ALL OF THEM!
LAMANCHUCK: Okay, that could be good.
ROVERSIDE: Can't see any red-blooded male not being interested in that!
SOURCE: C-DIK - Big Dick Radio
[http://www.edgy095.com/]
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All Halle Berry!
Halle Berry is reported to have jumped a US Customs line at a Montreal airport. So, what? So, freaking what? She's Halle Berry, for crying out loud! Did you see her in Monster's Ball? Did you see her in X-Men? Everybody loved her in X-Men! And, you're going to force her to wait in line for two or more hours because of some weird idea of "national security?"
Tell you what. I'll go to airports and stand in line for two hours for her. It's the least I can do for all the pleasure she has given me over the years. I don't really have to go anywhere, and I can't really afford to travel, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Did I mention Halle Berry starred in the X-Men?!
SOURCE: Jennifer's Brain Blorts
[http://weblogger.brainblorts.home.html]
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Earth Will Never Run Out Of Packing Peanuts Again!
In response to the Keppler telescope discovering a planet with the density of styrofoam outside the solar system, Hasbro Corporation, maker of Nerf toys, has announced that it will be sending the first private spaceship out to mine the planet.
"We were thinking of drilling for styrofoam the way we drill for oil back home," Hasbro's Chief Toy Designer Billy Bludgeon stated, "but that may not be feasible. Worse comes to worst, we'll build a giant paddle behind the planet and swat the whole thing in the direction of earth!"
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1124H7EC-2F145-20K5-AAA1582614B700001]
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Unintended Competitisequences
According to Washington Post op-ed writer David Ignatius, the wars in Afghanistan and Pakistan will lead to a "sovereign Pakistan that controls all its territory," a "future common market between Pakistan and Afghanistan that can power economic development in both countries" and a "stable structure for Central and South Asia in the 21st century."
We're not going to take this lying down! If such an establishment newspaper as the Washington Post is going to insist on reporting from other realities, we're going to start reporting from Earth Prime's Washington!
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32328640904641314680fx]
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Not To Mention His Loqauck - Lowquash - His Way With Words
Right wing pundit Rex Murphy started writing a column for the National Post around the same time it and 10 other newspapers in the CanWest chain were put up for sale to the highest bidder.
This is the kind of keen situational analysis and general good judgment that Murphy has built his journalistic reputation on.
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
[http://www.wryerson.ca/wrj/online/majunder-schmajunder1.html]
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