"Hey, man, why are butterflies coming out of your nose?"
"Butterflies are not coming out of my nose."
"Don't you see - hey, you! The guy without the pen! Do you see the butterflies coming out of pen man's nose?"
"No."
"How can you not see the butterflies coming out of pen man's nose?"
"BECAUSE THERE ARE NO BUTTERFLIES COMING OUT OF PEN MA - I mean, my colleague's nose!"
"Hey, chill, dude. You guys must be tripping real bad, man."
"Can we get back to the point, please?"
"What's that, pen man?"
"Who are your Al Qaeda contacts in Iraq?"
"I have Al Qaeda contacts in Iraq?"
"Yes. And, we'd like to know who they are."
"I've been to Iraq?"
"You were born and raised in Iraq!"
"Whoa."
"So, who are your Al Qaeda contacts?"
"Think I'm gonna call you Penis Breath."
"I do not have penis breath."
"Whatever you say, Penis Breath man."
"I DO NOT HAVE PENIS BREATH!"
"Hey - you're in charge. I'll call you whatever you want...penis breath..."
"I DO NOT HAVE PENIS BREATH!"
"You, uhh, could use a mint, Bob."
"Not, you, too!"
"Nice one, pen man."
"OKAY, LOOK...son. I don't think you appreciate just how much trouble you're in, here. You were picked up in a sweep of terror suspects in Sadr City. Your only choices are to tell us all you know or to face a war crimes trial."
"What's behind door number three, man?"
"There is no door number three."
"Sure, there is. It's right behind you."
"What the -?"
"MADE YOU LOOK! Ha ha!"
"RIGHT, YOU LITTLE... Son, you know what waterboarding is?"
"Sure. Just because Iraq doesn't have any beaches doesn't mean I don't know what waterboarding is."
"What?"
"I've seen The Endless Summer, man. Well, Endless Summer II. And, Step Into Liquid - man, that movie rocked! Made we wish we had some gnarly waves in Iraq."
"I think he's talking about surfboarding, Bob."
"I knew that. Look, kid, we're not talking about riding waves. Waterboarding is where we pour water down your throat -"
"Could you? Please?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"I could use some liquid refreshment - I'm getting a little parched."
"?I'm not offering to give you a drink! We'll pour so much water down your throat, you'll feel like you're drowning!"
"So, you mean, like, torture?"
"Yes!"
"No!"
"What do you mean, no, Bill?"
"It's not torture according to the Attorney General. Or, for that matter, the President."
"Maybe, but they're not here trying to get information out of a high value terror suspect."
"You think I'm high value?"
"Shut up."
"Sniff - that's the nicest thing anybody has ever said about me."
"I said: shut it!"
"Sorry."
"So, now you know what waterboarding is, how would you like us to do it to you?"
"Well, you know, it doesn't sound like my thing, man. But, if it's your trip, I guess you gotta go for it."
"Wha -"
"Don't worry about me, man. I'll survive."
"Dammit, man, how can I impress upon you how serious the consequences will be if you don't tell us all you know about Al Qaeda?"
"Al Qaeda?"
"That's right."
"Naah. I never knew anybody named Al Qaeda."
"But -"
"I knew an Al Rashid once. Janice Al Rashid. Man, she was hot! I couldn't even convince her to let me buy her a drink!"
"Nooooo, Al Qaeda! Al Qaeda, the terrorist organization!"
"Terrorist organi - no, man, you got me all wrong. I work in my uncle's cement factory. I don't got nothing to do with no terrorist organization!"
"You were picked up by American forces in a sweep of a terrorist-infested area of Sadr City."
"No, no. I was there to visit my Aunt Achmed. Okay, she's a little gender-confused, but that's about as bad as anybody in my family gets. Seriously, man, I...I...I..."
"What?"
"If they're not coming out of pen man's nose, where are the butterflies coming from?"
"OH, GET HIM OUT OF HERE!"
...
"I can't believe that Rumsfeld actually thinks giving detainees LSD is going to get us any useful Intel."
"You gotta admit, the Defense Secretary is thinking outside the box."
"Yeah, well, sometimes the box is there for a reason. That guilty little bastard's gonna be no use to us until he comes down off his high."
"I hear you. Listen, I'm getting hungry. Wanna go for lunch?"
"Sure. Just don't call it the munchies..."