What the Heck Do You Know?
Wasn't Properly Toilet Trained As a Child
1) If the day before yesterday is three days after the day that, on a leap year, would be four days before Monday, what was the name of the driver?
a) Tuesday
b) Sam & Max (thundering pustules of aggressive mediocrity!)
c) Blind Lemon Montague
2) If Scott McLellan was really so concerned about the lies the Bush administration used to convince Americans to go to war in Iraq, why did he keep feeding them to the press?
a) he wouldn't have been given such a huge advance for the book he wrote about it if he hadn't
b) it was a controlled experiment to see how gullible the press was, but McLellan was so depressed by the results that he never wrote an academic paper about it
c) it was actually his evil twin...uhh, from another dimension, who...who kidnapped the good Scott McLellan and...and...yeah, I know, this explanation kind of stretches the old credulity limits, but you have to admit that it's more interesting than the possibility that he's just a self-serving schmuck
3) What is the "League of Democracies?"
a) the name DC rejected giving the Justice League of America on the grounds that it was "too Commie sounding"
b) a name the Arab League considered calling itself just to mess with the heads of Western reporters
c) John McCain's vision for making the "coalition of the willing" a permanent challenge to the legitimacy of he United Nations (not that McCain's policies are in any way a reflection of or connected to those of President Bush, nope, nyuh uh, no way, in fact, they've never even met - President Who?)
4) In the wake of Richard Roeper's announcement that he will be leaving At the Movies, Roger Ebert has declared that he won't be returning to the show, but that he has plans for his trademarked thumbs. What will he be doing with them?
a) creating a show called The Thumbsters, about a fun-loving family of thumbs that sticks out in their conservative neighbourhood like...well...it's only in the planning stages
b) a patriotic series of Heritage Moment advertisements about famous American thumbs
c) as a community service, he'll donate them to the Handless Hitchhikers Fund
5) What is "investment reciprocity?"
a) an international trade agreement where you agree to allow another country to screw your workers if they will allow you to screw theirs
b) the payoff your girlfriend expects for her emotional investment in you despite the fact that you insist on spending Saturday night with the boys
c) a cooking term Jamie Oliver likes to throw out at least once an episode
6) If Barack Obama is elected as President of the United States, will Bill O'Reilly's head explode?
a) no, because that would be in bad taste
b) yes, but in a private ceremony (because having your head explode on the air would be in bad taste, and, anyway the FCC might fine Fox $50)
c) probably not, but you have to admit that it would be a ratings grabber
7) Former Justice Minister Vic Toews called distinguished jurist Louise Arbour, who is stepping down as United Nations high commissioner for human rights, a "disgrace." Which is more of a disgrace:
a) her condemnation of the treatment of inmates in Guantanamo Bay, or the Conservative government's lack of condemnation of the treatment of inmates in Guantanamo Bay?
b) the New Government or the New Coke?
c) eyeliner on men or see-through race car driver outfits?
d) all of the above
8) Why did American Presidential hopeful John McCain give a campaign speech in Ottawa?
a) his campaign couldn't afford the gas for the plane to take him to Yugoslavia
b) Uzbekistan wouldn't book him
c) Czechoslovakia, a destination McCain enjoys talking about, no longer, you know, technically...exists
9) Who said: "I think he's deliberately distorting the traditional understanding of the Bible to fit his own worldview, his own confused theology?"
a) the Reverend James Dobson
b) Barack Obama
c) Daffy Duck
10) Who did he say it about?
a) Barack Obama
b) the Reverend James Dobson
c) Bugs Bunny
11) Which of the following reported sex tapes has actually proven to be real?
a) Jimi Hendrix
b) Marilyn Monroe
c) Vern Troyer
12) What is the difference between George W. Bush's economic policy and John McCain's?
a) "Ummm?"
b) "Uhh?"
c) "I hate it when I?m stuck for an answer - especially on TV!"
13) Which of the following universes would you most want to live in?
a) the one where, when people are losing their jobs and homes, George W. Bush responds, "We have to let markets take their course, but Americans are a resilient people," and when major banks look like they may be going bankrupt, responds, "I am seeking authorization to extend a line of credit to them to help them through these difficult times"
b) the one where, when people are losing their jobs and homes, George W. Bush responds, "I am seeking authorization to extend a line of credit to them to help them through these difficult times," and when major banks look like they may be going bankrupt, responds, "We have to let markets take their course, but the American banking system is resilient"
c) the one where, when people are losing their jobs and homes, George W. Bush responds, "I'm not President. Why do you care what my opinion is?"
14) Is Hell a more preferable destination than Heaven?
a) Dante seemed to have a lot of fun with it, but how many of us are 14th century epic Italian poets?
b) it depends on how many frequent sinner miles you've collected
c) only if you're Karl Rove
15) What is the inevitable result of daily masturbation?
a) hairy palms and an eternity shoveling coal in a destination Karl Rove apparently prefers over Heaven
b) the terrorists will have won
c) 20 lost pounds and a lot of pleasure (but don't tell anybody you heard it from us?)
16) What is the difference between a "time horizon" and a "timetable?"
a) a table is solid and nurturing, you eat off tables and work on tables, while you can never actually reach the horizon
b) three letters and a conceptual leap the Bush administration will never admit that it has taken
c) another 1,238 American and 27,463 Iraq deaths
17) Word on the street is that the United States is planning on sending diplomats to Iran for the first time in nearly 30 years. What would be the biggest obstacle to this move?
a) Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad hasn't showered in over a week, a slap in the face of his American guests
b) Iran is the last member of the Axis of Evil, and President Bush doesn't want to lose its last, best enemy - he's sentimental that way!
c) the only in-flight movie shown on Iran Airlines flights is Harold and Kumar Deploy IEDs To Kill Infidels
18) Why is the Harper government not demanding that the United States give Canadian Omar Khadr a fair trial?
a) because one of Omar's uncles once hit on Laureen Harper at a party in Ottawa, and the two families have been feuding ever since
b) Harper is trying to give American President George W. Bush a break, since the Prime Minister has always had a soft spot for the empathy impaired (once he leaves politics, you can expect Harper to host a telethon for the affliction?)
c) it holds a secret belief that Canadian citizens don't deserve fair trials (and, you thought you knew what crackpot policies the Conservatives were trying to keep hidden!)
19) The Conservative government is planning a "low profile" release for a Health Canada report linking global climate change to increasing health risks for Canadians. Why would it do that?
a) the stress of knowing the truth about global warming could be enough to kill thousands of Canadians, and the government doesn't want to risk it
b) if it was widely read, think of how many trees would have to die - kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?
c) because the report looks fetching in dark glasses and a trenchcoat
20) How awesome was The Dark Knight?
a) punch to the gut awesome
b) Keira Knightley awesome
c) not so much punch your mother and sister in the gut awesome as be taken in for questioning the day after the London premiere of your movie for questioning and be released without charge awesome
