Thank you, tdeviludontno, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Okay. Let us get this straight. British American Tobacco, owner of Imperial Tobacco Canada, had studies going as far back as 1967 that proved that cigarettes were addictive and caused cancer. They knew the truth about the grave health risks of cigarettes while all the time publicly denying that there were any. The Canadian subsidiary was ordered to destroy all copies of the studies, but they were recently uncovered in the British parent company's archives. Wow. Evil AND incompetent.
We need a cigarette!
Enjoy,Carp Diem (And The Diem After That, And The Diem After That, And...)
As part of a "healthy kids' fair" on the south lawn of the White House, First lady Michelle Obama swiveled a Hula Hoop 142 times before it hit the ground.
"Is that all?" Republican Congressman Eric Cantor groused. "Laura Bush kept the Hula Hoop up for 473 rotations...and she had a bad hip!"
"The First Lady is setting a bad example for all of the women of the country," said conservative pundit and part-time table lamp Michelle Malkin. "Did she ever think that maybe some women have had hip surgery and can't play with Hula Hoops? What are they supposed to make of this? And, what about our brave fighting women overseas who have suffered groin injuries in the line of duty? Clearly, this is just one more example of an Obama not supporting the troops!"
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2009/10/18/robbingpeterto-justbecause090118]
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The Eyes Are The Windows 7 Of The Soul
Microsoft is about to launch Windows 7, the latest version of the most popular operating system on the planet. And, when I say most popular, I mean most widely distributed, thanks to aggressively anti-competitive behaviour. I certainly do not mean to imply that Windows is well liked; in fact, it may be the most reviled computer software ever developed in the history of bad software, and that's saying some -
Uhh, let me start again.
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2009/2009/10/20/hughbetterhughbetterhughbet/]
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Michele, If You Were Any More Antsy, You'd Be The Star Of A 1950s Atomic Horror Movie!
Britain's financial watchdog said yesterday that the country's banks should start drawing up "living wills" so that they can be wound up quickly in times of crisis without destabilizing the economy. Ever alert Republican Congresswoman Michele Bachmann immediately shrieked, "Obama is trying to kill granma's bank!"
When it was pointed out to Bachmann that this wasn't an American initiative, she said, "Oh, I know. I just haven't been in the news for the last few days and I was getting a little antsy."
SOURCE: CBBS News
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2009/October/Olberman_Outrage.asp]
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Love, Actuarily
Why are so many pension funds in trouble? According to actuary Malcolm Oshawa, the fundamental problem is that workers are living too long.
"Advances in medicine are the culprit," Oshawa explained, "although businesses could really be doing more to see that their employees die sooner. A combination of increased workplace stress and support for unhealthy lifestyles would go a long way to solving the pension problem!"
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.cbbsnews.com/stories/2009/10/21/finance/main542815.shtml]
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[Insert Boob Joke Here]
The economic downturn has claimed another victim: Playboy, the iconic American men's magazine, is cutting back on the size of its centrefolds' breasts. It has announced that, starting immediately, it will no longer be able to afford DD or even D cups; models will be a maximum of C cups and, wherever possible, smaller.
"Times are tough," founder of the Playboy empire and envy of 15 year-old boys everywhere Hugh Hefner commented. "Everybody has had to cut back in one way or another."
Is he concerned that Playboy could be overtaken by Maxim, which has yet to limit the size of its models? "Not really," Hefner, chewing thoughtfully on his pipe stem, stated. "They may have bigger women, but they don't have a philosophy."
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/2109349800287460.xml]
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My Mind Tells Me Incompetent, But My Heart Says Evil
Evil or incompetent? That was the choice that Defense Minister Peter MacKay was given in the case of Afghan detainees who were handed over by Canadian soldiers to forces in the country that were reported to be torturing them.
If MacKay, who was Foreign Minister at the time, claims that he did not receive any information about such torture, even though warnings that it was happening written by Diplomat Richard Colvin were circulated widely throughout the Foreign Affairs and Defense departments back in 2006, he merely looks incompetent. If, however, he allowed the transfer of detainees after having been warned that they would likely be tortured, he looks evil.
Which option do you think MacKay will choose?
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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One Easy Way To Tell TV News Anchors Apart
Five ways you can tell Keith Olbermann is faking his outrage:
5. After coming back from a commercial, you can hear him saying under his breath, "Glenn Beck...Glenn Beck...keep thinking about Glenn [EXPLETIVE DELETED] Beck!"One way you can tell Glenn Beck is faking his outrage:
1. His mercenary lips are moving.
SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20090102.eladvote0102_@/BNStory/specialCatastrophe2009/]
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Haven't You Heard We're In The Midst Of A Banking Crisis? Don't You Want To Do Your Part To Help Us Get Through It?
WHAT THE LETTER FROM THE BANK SAYS: "We are writing about your CIBC credit card and are pleased to advise that, because you have effectively managed your account, we have increased your credit limit to [AMOUNT DELETED DUE TO ITS EMBARRASSINGLY PALTRY NATURE], effective immediately."
WHAT THE LETTER FROM THE BANK REALLY MEANS: We are writing about your CIBC credit card because you seem able to pay off your debt in a timely fashion without accruing interest. This grieves us deeply, as we cannot make money from people who are "responsible" in this manner. We have increased your credit limit in the hope that it will encourage you to spend recklessly and go into debt on the unconscionable interest we charge, effective immediately.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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