The Daily Me - Gulisano N. Dante

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Does A Governor Shit In The Woods?

REPORTER: Where is the Governor?

AIDE: We, uhh, don't know.

REPORTER: When was the last time anybody in your office spoke to him?

AIDE: Uhh, Thursday.

REPORTER: Five days ago?

AIDE: Uhh, yeah - no, wait. We just heard from a friend of a friend who says that the Governor is...hiking.

REPORTER: Hiking?

AIDE: Yes. In the Appalachian mountains. Hiking. That's what he's doing. Uhh, hiking.

REPORTER: Didn't the Governor call your office from Argentina?

AIDE: No. Unh uh. Absolutely not. The Governor did not call from Argentina.

REPORTER: A reporter caught the Governor getting off a plane from Argentina.

AIDE: Oh, you meant that Argentina! We were momentarily - anyway. The Governor was hiking in the Appalachian mountains...of Argentina.

REPORTER: The Appalachian mountains don't extend that far.

AIDE: Just my luck to get a geography buff! Okay. The Governor was...people watching. Driving down the Argentine coast - I know Argentina doesn't have a coast, but that's the story, okay? - you know, just taking a break from the pressures of his office.

REPORTER: We have pretty salacious emails between the Governor and a woman named Maria.

AIDE: Oh, Jesus Christ!

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies

[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=638&dir=bb]
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You Were Expecting It To Be A Chocolate Fondue?

GARBAGE WATCH: Day 16: yep. It's still garbage.

SOURCE: aye Weakly

[http://www.aye.net/]
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You Could Enrich Them With Uranium - Then, They Would Be Dirty Tampons

According to recent reports, if a bill tabled by the Conservatives passes, Canada's police and security forces will get greater access to the Internet and wireless telephone communications of ordinary Canadians.

Listen up, security state loving assholes! I have a Web page! I don't say anything provocative in private that I haven't already made available to the (I wish!) billion people who are already on the Internet! You think you're going to get information that could stop a terrorist attack by listening to me and my boyfriend on our cells arguing about whose turn it is to buy tampons?

Really. Get a life!

SOURCE: Listen Up, Asshole

[http://www.(^!$%!$#_)!(*)!*)*)*#%!&&%(.com/index.html]
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Guys! Can't You Find A Rooftop To Do Some War Reporting From?

Geraldo Rivera is the latest celebrity journalist to die in order to prove that the Bush administration's policies of torturing terrorism suspects to the point of death and beyond aren't as bad as they have been portrayed by some in the media.

"I was pronounced clinically dead for 30 seconds," Rivera stated. "I'll admit, I thought I could last longer than that - there may be something to these complaints about death."

The record for journalistic machismo is actually held by Rick Sanchez, who, six months ago, was clinically dead for 32 seconds, beating Christopher Hitchens who, two months before that, was pronounced clinically dead for 27 seconds. "It was like a weekend in Pittsburgh compressed into 30 seconds," Sanchez stated. "I don't know any better way to express how bad it was."

Hitchens, meanwhile, refused to allow the experience to change his views on religion. "Yeah, yeah, corridor of white light, angelic figure at the end, blah blah. It was just the random firings of neurons as my brain was shutting down. It doesn't mean anything, and I wouldn't recommend it to anybody. Except, perhaps, other journalists."

SOURCE: CBBS News

[http://www.cbbsnews.com/stories/2009/05/11/torture/main542715.shtml]
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Marie Osmond Is Still Around?

Fifteen years after scientists compared the size of Betelgeuse to the size of Jupiter's orbit around the sun, they are now saying that the star is actually 15 per cent smaller. Jenny Craig has taken credit for the star's mass loss and is planning on replacing Marie Osmond with Betelgeuse in an upcoming ad campaign.

SOURCE: Scientific Canadian

[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1124H3EC-2F145-25K5-AAA1582614B712411]
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Next Election, Be Honest And Run A Jellyfish For Congress

If They Only Had a Spine

(with apologies to Harold Arlen and E. Y. Harburg)

SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered

Bad Week To Be A Celebrity - Tabloid Journalists In Mourning

Ed McMahon has died at the age of 86. He'll be saying "And, now, heeeeee -"

FORGET THAT! Michael Jackson has died after a massive heart attack!

"-eeeere's Johnny" to the angels, now. Over and over again. Forever.

PEOPLE! FOCUS! Spokespeople for Michael Jackson said his death will not affect his planned 50 city tour.

Farrah Fawcett has died after a long bout with cancer. Was an angel - will be with the real angels - you know the journalistic drill.

For the most part, fans of MICHAEL JACKSON, knowing how unusual his life was, are not currently asking for refunds for their tickets.

SOURCE: Obits 'R Us

[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Have You Tried Deflating The Ego?

Stephen Harper has expressed concern that he hasn't been denounced by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or any of Iran's religious leaders for speaking out against their violent crackdown on peaceful rallies protesting what they see as Ahmedinejad's fraudulent election.

"I supported the protestors," Harper stated. "I denounced the violence and demanded an investigation, or new elections. But, did I get accused of meddling in their affairs? No. Nothing. I wasn't called a Great Satan. I would have settled for a Minor Satan, or even a Mediocre Satan. But, all I got was silence. I just - you know, I tried my best to be labelled a foreign provocateur. Honestly. I don't know what else to do."

SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned

[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2009/06/22/509327.html]
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