Thank you, Brandee Gupples, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. It's April 20, the twentieth day of the fourth month of the year. In other words, 4-20. This is the day that people who want to be seen as hip can snigger at thinly veiled drug references and pretend that they're constantly smoking up, while people who want to be seen as responsible can tut tut at people who snigger at thinly veiled drug references and pretend that they're constantly smoking up. This should be a national holiday. After all, what other day brings so much joy to such a diverse group of people?
Enjoy,Not To Be Confused With St. Patrick's Day Mouthwash
You're probably confused about all of the different labels that certify that a product is environmentally friendly. Really, the only label you need to be aware of is ours: the International Greenwash label.
If you see this on a product, you know that the company that produces it has paid a hefty sum to appear to be environmentally friendly. And, it's money well spent. International Greenwash will go to extraordinary lengths – whether it be astroturfing politicians or faking test data – to ensure that a product looks environmentally safe without the far greater cost of it actually being environmentally safe.
Consumers: whether you're shopping for a new car, groceries or rat poison, look for the International Greenwash label. Producers: whether you make cars, groceries or rat poison, pay to qualify for the International Greenwash label.
International Greenwash – environmentalism that's good for business.
SOURCE: International Greenwash
[http://www.internationalgreenwash.org]
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Can I Have A Side Order Of Canada With That?
Why did the Order of Canada Advisory Board strip T. Sher Singh of his Order of Canada after he was disbarred but has yet to strip Conrad Black of his Order of Canada even though he is a convicted felon?
"It isn't because of racism," said Chair Beverley McLachlin. "It's because we're afraid of what the National Post will say. If Mr. Singh had created his own national newspaper, well, he'd probably still have his Order of Canada, too!"
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2009/04/18/disobeyingorders090418]
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Tortured...Logic A Specialty
Hi! Are you a secret sadist who would love to inflict pain on other people but won't because you're afraid of the consequences? Well, you sound like just the person we need to defend our country! Government pay, including medical and pension! Travel to exotic foreign lands! Torture people to within an inch of their lives, and – oops! – sometimes beyond! And, the best part? If anybody catches you, simply claim "Gee, I was told it was legal at the time..." and walk away scot free. Really! If this sounds like your dream job – and, isn't it everybody's? – get yourself down to your nearest CIA recruitment office today!
SOURCE: Your Guide To Getting Jobbed
[http://on.ygtgj.com/listings/1066601.qrhtml]
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Oh, You Know This One's Gonna Be A Winner!
Friday. 9pm. Fox. Someone's Gotta Goat. Each week, a Fox crew enters a different major financial institution, and the American people get to vote on which of its employees deserves to lose their bonuses because of their contribution to the economic meltdown. They don't actually lose their bonuses, of course, but the, then again, the actor playing Oedipus doesn't actually have to gouge his own eyes out for the audience to feel catharsis, right?
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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I Believe In The Self-regulating Nature Of Free Markets (But, Then, All The Meat I Eat Is Kosher...)
Maple Leaf CEO Michael McCain, whose company weathered a crisis when 21 people died after eating its meat products that had been tainted with the listeria virus, now says the food processing industry requires more government regulation and oversight.
"Obviously, we cannot be trusted to police ourselves," McCain said. "Given a choice between increasing profits and public safety, bigger profits wins every time."
Rivals in the food industry aren't sure whether they want to fry McCain in high fat oil for his candour, or simply ostracize him from the country club.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49abccd7-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-a2eb4dd6a588]
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Let Him Who Is Without Sin (In The Past Hour) Cast The First Stone
A gathering of women in Kabul intended to express outrage over an Afghan law that would allow men to force their wives to have sex was disrupted when a larger group of men started throwing stones at the women.
"Please!" Afghan President Hamid Karzai protested. "In my country men used to throw acid at women. So, throwing rocks, that's progress. But, are our critics in the west willing to give us any credit for that?"
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2009Apr18.html]
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You Remember Her Your Way, I'll Remember Her Mine
Marilyn Chambers has died. She was, of course, the adorable child on the Ivory Snow box. Chambers set the standard for cuteness that is used in advertising to this very day. Oh, and she was in some porn films, too.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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The Journey Of A Thousand Miles Begins With The Death Of A Single Spotted Owl
The Five Stages of Climate Denial
1. Climate change is not happening.SOURCE: Wiwipedia
[http://en.wiwipedia.org/wiwi/Stupid_climate_change_denial]
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Of Course, Every Time You Go On The Operating Table, You Risk Becoming A Liberal
Conservative Member of Parliament Garry "I Didn't Actually Make This Name Up" Breitkreuz wasn't the keynote speaker at a gun-lobby dinner where there wasn't a draw for a Beretta handgun. He did attend, however, not as an MP, but as a private member of the Canadian Shooting Sports Association.
Apparently, in order to attend the gathering Breitkreuz had a politicectomy, an operation that removed his political ambitions from his body. Not to worry, though; sources inside Breitkreuz' office say he will get a transplant of political ambition – possibly from a rat or a weasel on moralosuppressants – in time to campaign in the next election.
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/breitkreuzblitzkreig.htm]
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