Thank you, Blini McTurbian, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Sorry if today's update is a little thin; we spent pretty much all of yesterday wondering how the length of Michelle Obama's bangs would affect the North Korean missile test.
Enjoy,The Smart Money's On Ari Fleischer in 2079
The office pool to see which neoconservative pundit will be the first to break down and admit that he was wrong when he repeatedly stated, in the run up to the Iraq war, that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction is on. I repeat: it is still on. The fact that Bill Kristol recently denied that he was wrong does not invalidate the pool (although it has lowered the odds that it will be him significantly).
In case of a tie, each entrant is also asked to submit a possible date for such a submission. We would like to repeat that the date should be before the predicted end of the universe; in fact, anything much beyond the life span of the average Wawaneesa worker would be outside the spirit of the pool, even if it turns out to be correct.
SOURCE: The Wawaneesa Group Monthly Newsletter
[http://mnc.com/flexmere/ontologicon/wawaneesa/internal/newsletters/March2009.txt]
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The Prime Minister Finds Himself In A Tights Situation
The photo of G20 summit leaders had to be taken twice because Prime Minister Stephen Harper wasn't in the first one. The Prime Minister's Office sent out a press release that Harper wasn't in the photo because he had turned into his alter ego, Captain Canuck, in order to foil an international jewel thief.
Other G20 leaders thought he had just gone to the bathroom. "Captain Canuck never goes to the bathroom," the press release insisted. "Haven't you ever read the comic book?"
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2009/04/03/cartoondiplomacy090403]
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What A Steal! I Mean – Bargain!
President Obama announced his intention to buy up one trillion dollars worth of the toxic loans that have dragged down so many banks. This may seem like a lot of money, but you have to realize that, at the moment, they're only worth $19.95.
SOURCE: Economics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummieshome.asp?did=514&dir=bb]
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Assholes To The Left Of Me...
Protestors at the G20 summit in London clashed with police, an event that has become so common that most news outlets didn't even bother ridiculing them.
Listen up, anarchist assholes! You won. The capitalist system is collapsing. You can afford to be magnanimous and cut back on the street violence, okay?
SOURCE: Listen Up, Asshole
[http://www.(^!$%!$#_)!(*)!*)*)*#%!&&%(.com/index.html]
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Assholes To The Right...
Traders looking down on the protestors at the G20 summit in London made bets on things like how many would get arrested, how many would die and whether more or fewer than 20 would be hurt in charges by police horses.
Listen up, corporate assholes! You won. The capitalist system is collapsing, and you still managed to keep your unconscionable bonuses. You can afford to be magnanimous and cut back on the gloating, okay?
SOURCE: Listen Up, Asshole
[http://www.(^!$%!$#_)!(*)!*)*)*#%!&&%(.com/index.html]
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Here I Am, Stuck In The Middle Without A Job
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1570083023]
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Yes We Afghan!
The Afghan Justice Ministry says it is reviewing the law that would make it illegal for a wife to refuse to have sex with her husband. The review could take months, which would mean that the law would still be in force during the elections in August. On the other hand, President Hamid Karzai says he fully intends to bring Afghan law into accord with international law and, in any case, although passed, the controversial law is still not official. Thus, Karzai hopes to get the support of conservative elements in the country for his reelection while maintaining the support of the international community.
Who says these guys aren't ready for democracy?
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=Q5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD147O.7wF!2qZiiv~/
DUeReDR/s119/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=21217]
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Kal, Waiting
8pm. Global. House. Doctor Kutner surprises everybody by killing himself. As a suicide, his soul is, of course, doomed to go to a dark netherworld: Washington.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Stallions Run Dry, Run Free
5 and dime) Delivery of Sikorsky S-92s to the Canadian government has been delayed (again) because they didn't pass the "run dry standard." What is the run dry standard?SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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