Thank you, Alan Postt-Tate, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Did you see the Tweet where we compared our readers to dung beetles? Hee hee. Well, if you did, don't take it so hard – dung beetles are an important part of the dung heap ecosystem. And, anyway, if you're on Twitter long enough, you're bound to write something embarrassing yourself, so it all evens out in the end, right? RIGHT?
Enjoy,We Get The General Idea
Meanwhile, on CNN:
GENERAL BREITLEITNER: I think General Petraeus is doing a great job leading the troops in Iraq.
ANDERSON COOPER: How is the job he is doing great?
GENERAL BREITLEITNER: I'm sorry?
COOPER: What is he doing that is so great?
GENERAL BREITLEITNER: Oh, you know. Leading the troops. General stuff.
COOPER: Uhh, General Breitleitner, what makes you think General Petraeus is doing such a good job?
GENERAL BREITLEITNER: Well, umm, he told me.
COOPER: So, you think General Petraeus is doing a good job in Iraq because General Petraeus told you he's doing a good job in Iraq?
GENERAL BREITLEITNER: Don't be so cynical, you good looking young pup. You don't argue with a military commander!
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/hewouldneverpetraeus.shtml]
more
When You Write – And You Know You Will – Try Not To Make It Too Obvious That You're All Using The Same Template
Scarlet Faces, Pimpernel Not So Much
They see it stop appointments hereSOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/260.html]
more
Would You Stay Tuned If I Stripped While Reporting The Story? Please? I'll Wear My Pink Polka Dot Undies...
Former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney's bid to delay a public inquiry into his relationship with lobbyist Karlheinz Schreiber has been denied. It seems clear that Mulroney – who, you will remember, initially said he welcomed an investigation – hopes to put off any reckoning until the Canadian people have lost all interes –
Hey! Where are you going? Don't – come back! Don't go! This is real news! No, seriously, it is!
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2009/03/19/evencanadiancorruptionisboring090319]
more
Profiles In Courage...ous Greed
CNBC reporter Rick Santelli – on the trading floor of the Chicago commodities exchange – suggested that President Obama set up a Web site to get public feedback on whether "we really want to subsidize the losers' mortgages." Then, gesturing to the wealthy traders in the pit, Santelli declared, "this is America" and asked "how many of you people want to pay for your neighbor's mortgage that has an extra bathroom and can't pay their bills, raise their hand."
Who are the people who not only didn't raise their hands, but booed?
Elmore Ficcatello. Worth over $3 million. Hasn't been able to make love with his wife for six months – she started cheating on him last week. He will lose much of his earnings in the divorce settlement.
Duane "The Poleax" Malinkowski. Worth nearly $5 million, but still can't get the approval of his father.
Spike "Butch" Bush. Worth about $1 million. Will lose it all in the next six months to a serious cocaine habit.
Interesting definition of winners, there, Rick.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/105^.htm]
more
The Helicopter Gunship – Don't Leave Home Without It
Travel Advisory
Iraq has received its first group of Western tourists since the start of the war in 2003. The itinerary of the five Britons, two Americans and Canadian included the biblical city of Babylon, home to the Hanging Gardens, the holy Shiite shrines of Karbala and Najaf and the ancient city of Nineveh.
We do not advise our clients to tour Iraq – which is still a war zone – at this time. That's not xtreme – that's just nuts.
SOURCE: Safe Xtreme Vacations
[http://www.lookingforsafeadventure.com/asafedventuretravelsites.htm]
more
The Galloway Of Some People!
The Canadian government has banned Mickey Mouse from entering the country. The beloved international cartoon figure cannot legally travel to Canada because his films are shown in Gaza, making him a supporter of terrorism.
"He gives comfort to Palestinian children!" Bernie Farber, head of the Canadian Jewish Congress, stated. "This Mickey Mouse decision was the right one!"
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20090318.eladvote0318_@/BNStory/newsSensitiveAintWe2009/]
more
Some Cross Words For – No, Wait, That's A Different Puzzle
Angry puzzle fans picketed the house of computer science professor emeritus James F. Crook, who claims he has developed an algorithm that can solve Sudoku puzzles. Even the Evil ones? Yes, Victoria, even the Evil ones.
"I guess I underestimated how much people enjoyed solving the puzzle for themselves," Crook shouted over the roar of the angry mob. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I should probably get my family to safety. You wouldn't happen to know when the next flight to the Arctic is, would you?"
SOURCE: The Non-existent Pages
[http://www.utopia.tv/erewhon/index.html]
more
Why Isn't The Alcoholic Fetuses Lobby All Over This?
A new report shows that the federal government has, for several years, been cutting back on spending money that had been earmarked to fight fetal alcohol disorders.
"I don't understand the outrage," one Conservative Party insider, who appeared to understand the outrage enough to not want to be named, said. "This is just politics, and every politician knows that alcoholic fetuses don't vote."
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/itdoesntgetmoredepressing.htm]
more
It Was Especially Insensitive In A Week When Four Canadian Soldiers Died (Not That There Are Many Weeks When Canadian Soldiers Don't Die...)
Fox News talking ass Greg Gutfield hit a nerve with Canadians when he said, "the Canadian military wants to take a breather to do some yoga, paint landscapes, run on the beach in gorgeous white Capri pants."
"It's like Jimmy Stewart at the end of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington," Defence Minister Peter McKay complained. "Despite fighting the good fight, he seemed to be abandoned by his closest allies."
When nobody seemed to appreciate the analogy, McKay went on: "Okay. It's like...Gordon Pinsent at the end of Away From Her. Sure, he wasn't always the best husband, but he stood by her to the end, so you can imagine his confusion and anger when she essentially forgot all about him."
When people in the audience appeared to be utterly baffled by this analogy, McKay concluded: "Okay, let's go with the Mr. Smith comparison. At least the Americans will get that one."
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088770831813&call_pageid=968335201492&col=966666972154]
more