Thank you, Tartaglia Ganoung, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Did you know that if you substitute some of the letters in your name for other letters and jumble up the whole thing, you get "young ganglia?" Your parents should be ashamed of themselves!
Enjoy,Little Stick Diplomacy
IAN GOATMANSING: Canada has responded forcefully to the news that two Russian fighter planes were flying really close to its Arctic border.
ELMER "FUDD" MCKAY: Back off and stay out of our air space!
GOATMANSING: Russia has forcefully responded back.
UNNAMED RUSSIAN OFFICIAL: Frankly, this is a farce that I will not dignify by giving my identity.
GOATMANSING: The United States forcefully responded to Canada's response.
HILLARY "DUFF" CLINTON: Uhh, back off the accusations, okay? We're trying a new thing called "diplomacy" these days.
GOATMANSING: Canada forcefully responded to America's response to Canada's initial response.
MCKAY: Oh. Ah. Right. Sorry. Didn't mean anything by it. So sorry. (pause) Ahem. And, let that be a lesson to you!
GOATMANSING: The Kremlin has stated that it will issue a response to the Canadian response to the American response to the initial Canadian response...just as soon as it stops laughing. Which, I suppose, is a response of its own.
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2009/02/28/socrazyitjustmightwork090228]
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Typical Single Issue Family Man...
A new study by Harvard University shows that Utah has the largest population of porn surfers of any state in the union. Utah. The home of the Mormon Church. I may have to rethink my opposition to Mitt Romney becoming the Republican presidential candidate in the next election.
SOURCE: Clean Slate
[http://cleanslate.com/id/2371171/]
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We're Not Saying You Necessarily Do It Well...
Two Orthodox Jewish schools that rent Toronto school board property owe back rent of nearly $1 million between them. I hope this will finally, finally lay to rest the racist belief that Jews control the finances of the world!
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088591831813&call_pageid=968300078492&col=968566972294]
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Exit Laughing
Oreste Lionello, who dubbed the voices of Woody Allen, Jerry Lewis and other English language comedians for Italian moviegoers, has died in Rome at the age of 81. Sadly, none of the comedians he dubbed have uttered condolences.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Bankruptcy Always Trumps Hair
Sunday. NBC. 9pm. The Sorcerer's Apprentice – Celebrity Edition. Donald Trump lost control of his hotel empire when his Las Vegas hotels went bankrupt and was fired by Merlin in the second episode. The series has been much more fun to watch since.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Giving Michael Steele The Bum's Rush (Using Rush's Bum)
The recent splits within the Republican Party are not difficult to understand. Michael Steele was all in Rush Limbaugh's face about him being just an entertainer and sometimes saying outrageous things. And, Limbaugh was all, "Oh, no, you di'nt!" And, Steele was like, "Yeah, I, uhh, you know, kind of did." And, Limbaugh was all, "Oh, bring it, bitch! I got millions of listeners – what you got?" And, then, Steele was like, "Oh. Yeah. Maybe I, like, was out of line." And, Limbaugh laughed and was all, like, "Pussy."
It's not hard to understand. You just have to translate what Republicans say into normal English.
SOURCE: Teen Persons
[http://www.teenpersonsmag.com/politicalstuff/watchhisplace/steelebitchslap.shtml]
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Who Will Cut My Dog's Cheese?
Canine Fecal Inspector. The government of the German Republic is looking for 20 technicians to do DNA testing on dog shit that has been left in public areas. Ability to match this against a computer database of all dogs essential. Lack of squeamishness preferred. Please refer all enquiries to the office of Peter Stein.
SOURCE: Your Guide To Getting Jobbed
[http://on.ygtgj.com/listings/043238.qrhtml]
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And, That's About 10 Minutes Too Long
F&F. A sequel to Fa & Fu, which itself was a sequel to Fas & Fur, a sequel to Fast & Furious, a distant relative to The Fast and the Furious. On the one hand, Vin Diesel and Paul Walker seem to be phoning it in (literally, as in the scene where they're driving down highways in different countries at 200 miles per hour bickering bickering with each other on their cells). On the other hand, in keeping with the public's decreasing attention span, this feature film only lasts 12 minutes.
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt1078740/]
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Gandhi Is Dandy, But Charles Time Gnarls
Six love letters scribbled by a young Prince Charles roughly 30 years ago drew outrage from India, a last-minute reversal from the seller and a frenzy of bidding won by an Indian conglomerate that said the pacifist leader's possessions will be coming home.
The letters show a young prince enamoured with the young British-born Canadian while feeling the pressures of being royalty. The Indian government had protested the sale, saying the items should be returned to the nation and not sold to the highest bidder.
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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It Doesn't Stimulate JUST The Economy...
3's company, man) The Conservative government is asking Parliament for $3 billion as an immediate economic stimulus. It has not explained what it will spend the money on and has asked that the money be given without oversight. Why is it doing this?SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Season Three Should Be Mandatory Viewing For The Federal Cabinet
The Conservative government has revived a bill that would impose mandatory sentences for drug related crimes and would send people to jail for growing as little as one marijuana plant.
For god's sake, haven't any of these people seen The Wire?!
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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Keeping A Cool Head In A Non-emergency
A Quebec woman who made over 10,000 911 calls in 15 months has been given a seven month suspended sentence. That may seem lenient to some, but Judge Serge Boisvert probably figured that it was better than risking having her tie up the jail phone.
SOURCE: Allo, Frenchie!
[http://www.quebecbore.qu/allofrenchie/index.php]
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