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Enjoy,Oh, Snap! You've Just Been...Educated At An Institution Of Higher Learning!
The problem with fat jokes is that the people you most want to tell them to are the kinds of people who could and would beat the snot out of you at the least provocation. The trick is to tell the joke in a way that the person you're telling it to doesn't really get it.
YOU: You're momma's so fat, she could be designated as a planet by the International Astronomical Union!
VICTIM: Hey, don't talk about my mom like that!
YOU: Oh. Okay. Sorry. I mean, if it came to that, she'd probably be downgraded to a Kuiper Belt object.
VICTIM: That's more like i – what?
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1124C3EH-2C145-25K5-AAA1582614B711101]
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Baseball God Has Feet Of Primobolan
Baseball superstar Alex Rodriguez has admitted that he took steroids between 2001 and 2003.
Let's break this down. Rodriguez has a 10 year contract for $275 million. Say the average doctor makes $250,000 a year; that means it would take 110 doctors to make one Alex Rodriguez. Or, because the average teacher makes $40,000 a year, it would take 688 to make one Alex Rodriguez.
You want to understand just how disappointing Rodriguez' drug use was? In asimilar three year period, 688 teachers would be needed to take as many steroids as he did!
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml#52238138965]
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Take A Chance On He
Vladimir Putin
25 Things You Don't Know About Me
3. I'm, like, the biggest Abba fan. No, seriously, you have no idea how much I love that group! Like, I had this tribute band flown into Moscow just so they could perform for me. Abba rules, man!SOURCE: Farcebook
[http://www.farcebook.com/profile.php?v=feed&id=639510235#/note.php?note_id=68208766276&ref=mf]
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STEP SEVEN: Blankenship Gloats
According to Don Blankenship, CEO of Virginia-based coal company Massey Energy, a government that encourages conservation is the first step to communism. How exactly does that work?
STEP ONE: The president asks citizens to turn down their thermostats and buy fuel efficient cars.
STEP TWO: People ignore the president.
STEP THREE: The price of oil skyrockets, forcing people who hadn't chosen to go green to choose between paying their rent, buying food, paying their heating bills, paying their medical bills driving their cars.
STEP FOUR: Unable to afford gasoline, people flood "public transportation" systems.
STEP: FIVE: Even with the previous step, people have to make additional sacrifices, and, to save money on food, end up "sharing kitchens with four families."
STEP SIX: The Commissars in the Obama administration have won.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=621&dir=bb]
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Ask Your...Grandparents
Shirley Jean Rickert, who, as a child actor, starred in five Our Gang movies, has died at the age of 82. We like to think she's joined a new gang now.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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And, We'll Get You Home In Plenty Of Time For The Sequel
Have you always wanted to visit the slums of Mumbai since you saw the movie Slumdog Millionaire? Are you itching to laugh at destitute orphans covered in fecal matter? See first-hand heartwarming scenes of police brutality, so much more emotionally affecting because this time they're real?
Well, now you can.
SOURCE: Safe Xtreme Vacations
[http://www.lookingforsafeadventure.com/asafedventuretravelsites.htm]
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How About Attention Span Of A Gnat Americans For Sarah PAC?
MONDAY: As time goes on and I develop a lower and lower tolerance for journalistic bullshit, I find myself reading more and more quickly through my daily newspaper. This is doing weird things to my brain. Today, I thought I read that a nude photo of Edward Albee sold at auction for $37,500. Not only that, but Pulitzer Prize winner Madonna hates going to the premiers of her plays.
I would stop reading newspapers altogether, but that was kind of fun...
TUESDAY: Burger King has produced a perfume, Flame, that contains "the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat." If they had ever smelled my boyfriend after cooking on the barbecue, they would have known what a bad idea that was. The fact that the bottle features the Burger King reclining by a fire and clothed in nothing but an animal fur was not a selling point. Ooooooeeewwww!
WEDNESDAY: I want to start a Political Action Committee to draft Sarah Palin to be the Republican presidential candidate in 2012. But, I can't decide on a name. I kind of like Low Information Voters for Sarah PAC, but I'm also drawn to People in a Vegetative State for Palin PAC. Do you think she would accept the endorsement of a group with either of those names? (Can she afford to refuse it?)
THURSDAY: I can't believe Fox is dicking around Joss Whedon...again. First, they gave him back the pilot for his new series, Dollhouse, and told him to completely redo it. Just like Firefly. Then, they gave it a Friday night time slot. Just like Firefly. Come on, people! This is the man who gave the world Buffy the Vampire Slayer! Give me one good reason why Dollhouse deserves be treated so shabbily!
FRIDAY: Oh.
SATURDAY: Yeah, sure, Christian Bale's tirade. Yawn. I've heard worse language in my younger brother's kindergarten class. Have you ever heard John Thain talk about Congressional oversight? He makes Bale sound like a choirboy! Seriously, can we please move on?
SUNDAY: According to relationship guru Diana Kirschner, the best way to find the love of your life is to date three people at a time. That seems to me to be the best way to reenact embarrassing scenes from bad 1970s romantic comedies, but what do I know? Dr. Diana is the one with the PhD...
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
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