Thank you, Bradley "Biff" Dejesus, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, the BBC officially announced that David Tennant will be leaving the role of The Doctor in 2010. Doctor Who? Exactly. How do you expect us to function normally with this knowledge?
Enjoy,The Economy Woke Up Screaming The Day It Died
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1376863029]
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Events May Or May Not Have Taken Place At Some Unspecified Time Involving People We Are Not At Liberty To Name
A source in the Federal Bureau of Investigations has confirmed that it might currently be investigating for undisclosed wrong-doing an organization that may have unspecified ties to Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama. When asked for more detail, the FBI source said, "I wouldn't want to jeopardize an ongoing investigation."
In response, Obama had a good laugh.
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2008/ALLPOLITICS/10/28/reps.main/index.html]
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Body Fluids Make A Bad Basis For An Obituary
Legendary Four Tops singer Levi Stubbs has died. No more tears.
Legendary porn movie producer Gerard Damiano has died. No more...uhh...you know...
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Still Sarah Palin As President
SOURCE: Economics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummieshome.asp?did=505&dir=bb]
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Bill, Does Everything Have To Be About Your Fantasy Life?
So, there it is. In an exclusive interview, Barack Obama told Rachel Maddow that he wanted to spank her. Okay, what he actually said was that Maddow was "cruising for a bruising." I'm gonna give Obama the benefit of the doubt and say that he intended the violence to be consensual because, if he didn't, well, I don't want to think that badly of a presidential candidate, even if he is a Democrat.
The fact that he seems to get off on kinky sex is bad enough.
SOURCE: The O'Meilly Factor
[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2933,9607,222.html]
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Meme Is Murder
We need a new metaphor for the futility of trying to make something ugly look good.
And, don't even get me started on hell freezing over!
SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog
[http://www.chocoyummies.net/]
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Like Brent Butt And...Uhh...And...Who Else?
The CRTC has denied a bid by Canada's private networks to charge cable and satellite carriers for their signals. The CRTC has suggested that it would allow the broadcasters to charge the cable and satellite companies for any Canadian content that the broadcasters produced.
"Oh, ha ha," CanWest Global Chief Executive Officer Leonard Asper sourly responded. "The CRTC should really leave the comedy to the professionals!"
SOURCE: Payback
[http:www.paybackmag.com/articles/magazine/20081031/canadiancontent?AsperTame.html]
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Would You Dress A Moose In That Dress?
The John McCain campaign has spent $150,000 on clothes for running mate Sarah Palin. Critics of the campaign have pointed out that it seems hypocritical for Palin to be swanning around in Neiman-Marcus and Saks Fifth Avenue duds while claiming to be an average, Josephine Six-pack hockey mom.
"Are you kidding?" responded campaign spokesweasel Steve Schmidt. "All the average, Josephine Six-pack hockey moms I know would kill for the chance to spend $150,000 at Neiman-Marcus and Saks Fifth Avenue! This makes Sarah soooooo mainstream!"
Expect a clarification in the next day or two.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2008Oct27.html]
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I Figured That I Was Going To Hell For Being Jewish Anyway, So...
The Vatican has issued new psychological screening guidelines.
Old Screening Procedure
QUESTION: Are you a homosexual?
ANSWER: No.
QUESTION: You're in.
New Screening Procedure
QUESTION: Are you a homosexual?
ANSWER: No.
QUESTION: Are you sure you're not psychopathic?
ANSWER: No.
QUESTION: Okay, you're in.
SOURCE: Unicycle
[http://www.unicycle.com/new.php?p=articles&id=453&but=allis1]
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McCain Tells Truth! Electorate Confused!
We're not saying Barack Obama has had long-standing relationships with terrorists. We're just saying we don't know if Barack Obama has had long-standing relationships with terrorists. If Barack Obama hasn't had long-standing relationships with terrorists, why doesn't he come clean about his not having long-standing relationships with terrorists? Who is the real Barack Obama?
Well, actually, the real Barack Obama has praised John McCain for his stand on curbing the proliferation of nuclear weapons throughout the world. That's right: Barack Hussein Obama believes John McCain did something good in Congress.
McCain/Palin 2008.
"I'm John McCain, and I was confused by this message."
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1070952426]
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Must Be The Market's Time Of The...Uhh...Cycle
Since the stock market started having, ahem, violent mood swings, Lefties have been arguing that unfettered free markets don't work. They have even gone so far as to impugn the libertarian theories of Saint Alan of Greenspan.
Enough, I say! There is nothing wrong with the teachings of Saint Alan! It is reality that is deficient for not living up to his perfect theories!
SOURCE: National Coalition of Anti-tax Loonies Home Page
[http://www.ncal.ca/HomeSweetHome.html]
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Irony Even Alanis Morissette Would Recognize
McCain surrogates, and even the candidate himself, have warned that the Democrats should not be given the "perilous" power of the presidency and substantial control over both houses of Congress in the election. "President Bush had that advantage for six of the eight years of his presidency," one Republican insider argued, "and we all know how well that turned out!"
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/national/2008-10-25-control-issue_x.htm]
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Bet That's Gonna Catch The Eye On Bookstore Shelves!
Even If You're A Christian Who Believes In Turning The Other Cheek, It's Okay To Hate Liberals Because They Are Latte Sipping Know-nothing Intellectuals Who Are Intent On Handing The Country Over To Abortionists, Terrorists, Drug Dealers And Other Scum Of The Earth Because All They Know How To Do Is Undermine And Ultimately Destroy The Values That Have Made This Country The Greatest Nation The World Has Ever KnownAfter seeing the title, it really isn't necessary to actually read this book. If only more publishers were that considerate!
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.41.59/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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Today's Politicians Are So Incompetent, They Can't Even Get THAT Right!
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1216822038]
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