Thank you, Kazuko Palmerin, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we wondered why we're wasti...ime by putting our brillia...alents into something that nobody re...sorry. Wha...ou say? Our...our ce...one signal is brea...ing up? Okay. We're gonna go outsi...nd see if we can get...ronger sig...eah. Yeah. We prom...not to ca...back when we do. K bai.
Enjoy,Why Is It That The Kitten Always Gets It?
The world according to Fox News:
REPRESENTATIVE BARNEY FRANKS, REPRESENTING THE POOR PEOPLE's LOBBY: Here. Take this mortgage.
HOMELESS WOMAN: I don't want your stinking piece of paper.
FRANKS: You can buy a house with it.
HW: What would I do with a house?
FRANKS: Uhh...live?
HW: I live fine without a house.
FRANKS: What are you afraid of? Take the damn mortgage!
HW: I don't want it!
FRANKS: Take the mortgage or I'll kill this kitten!
HW: NO!
FRANKS: I'm cocking the gun...
KITTEN: Me...ow?
HW: Alright! Damn you, Franks, alright. I'll take your damn mortgage!
FRANKS: Bwahahahaha!
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/averyscaryplaceindeed.shtml]
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Steve Martin Wasn't Ambitious Enough
How do you become a 75 billionaire? First: become an investment banker. Then, get $75 billion.
SOURCE: Titters Comedy Club
[http://www.titters.com/info/TittersClubs/ElginClub/elgNowAppearing.cfm]
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Politics Slays Me
Differences between Americans and Canadians, #327: American Republican political dirty tricks include sending flyers to potential Democratic supporters claiming (incorrectly) that they would not be allowed to vote if they had outstanding warrants or unpaid parking tickets. Canadian Conservative political dirty tricks include cutting the break linings of the cars of people with Liberal signs on their lawn. Not only are Canadian conservatives more willing to kill citizens than American conservatives, but their targeting is much more effective!
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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...Write A Headline Without Information?
The Zen of the Bank of Montreal
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/243.html]
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Hey, Here's An Even Better Idea: Why Don't People Say The Word "Never" When They Mean Never?
MONDAY: Did you know that October is National Sarcastic Awareness Month? No, I didn't ask the question in an attempt to sarcastically point out your lack of knowledge. No, that last sentence wasn't sarcastic, either. Or, that sentence. Or, that one. Or...oh, I give up!
TUESDAY: Okay, yeah, that last one was sarcastic. Can you blame me?
WEDNESDAY: Why are some words naturally funny? Words with k's. Words with s's. Words with x's. Oxnard. Ooooooxnaaaard. Oxnard Oxnard Oxnard! Would you like oxnard with that? We have nothing to oxnard but oxnard itself. The trouble, dear Brutus, is not within our oxnards, but within ourselves.
Language kills me.
THURSDAY: ANSWER: The New York Times.
QUESTION: What newspaper does Sarah Palin read that she couldn't remember last week when asked by Katie Couric what news publications she reads, answering that she reads, you know, all of them, which she only said, the McCain campaign later claimed, because her head had been so filled with facts that she couldn't just be herself but she now says was because she was flustered because the question was so inane, or maybe an example of gotcha journalism?
Yeah, the McCain campaign makes my head hurt, too.
FRIDAY: Hey, here's an idea: the next time somebody writes about flying pigs, write to them telling them that the metaphor for "never" has run its course, and should only be used when hell freezes over. Then, if somebody refers to people playing hockey in hell, tell them that that metaphor for "never" has run its course, and should only be used when pigs fly. What I'm trying to say is: can we get a new metaphor for "never," please?
SATURDAY: Google's Mail Goggles, used in conjunction with its Gmail service, is a pretty good idea. Under certain conditions, it asks you math questions to determine if you are in a condition (ie: not too drunk or stoned) to send an email. We...ve all sent emails when our judgment was impaired...so I've heard...from my rowdy friends...with impaired judgment...
It makes more sense to me to go right to the source: Google should develop software that would ask you questions when the alcohol was served to you. If you could answer them, you could drink the beverage. If you couldn't answer the questions, you would get frustrated and become belligerent with the waitress, which would cause a bouncer to come and physically eject you from the bar. Not only would this solve the immediate problem, but the more time you spent in the hospital recovering from your injuries, the less likely you would be to get yourself into trouble!
SUNDAY: I like Massive Attack as much as the next person?who likes Massive Attack. Still, you?d think the creators of House could spring for a new opening credit sequence that accurately reflects the actors who are currently starring on the show. It's not like they can't afford it?
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
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Clearasil Couldn't Have Cleared That Up Better
The fact that British Brigadier Mark Carleton-Smith said that "we're not going to win" the war in Afghanistan should in no way be seen as support for the position of NDP leader Jack Layton, who has been saying all along that the war could not be won.
When a British military man says it, he is clarifying NATO's goals in a manly, muscular way. When Layton says exactly the same thing, he is being a panty-waisted, champagne socialist defeatist.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddccd7-e6e3-4f4f-9f25-a2db4cc6a417]
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Putting The Wow Back In Chihuahua
Scenes from the Class Struggle in Beverly Hills Chihuahua. After being kidnapped in Mexico, Chloe (voice of Drew Barrymore) is given a lesson in radical politics by a bull mastiff named Che (voice of Robert DeNiro). When she finally gets home, she slaughters her family and falls in with a group of Chihuahuas bent on overthrowing their human masters.
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0072350/]
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