561) Israeli bombing sorties in Lebanon have hit “an international airport, the nation's largest milk factories; a major food factory; aid convoys; Red Cross ambulances; a UN observer post; a power plant; apartment complexes; villages because they house or support the enemy; branches of banks because they might facilitate Hezbollah finances; the telecommunications system because of the messages that might pass along it; highways because they might transport weapons to the enemy; bridges because they might be crossed by those transporting weapons; a lighthouse in Beirut harbor for reasons unknown; trucks because they might be transporting those weapons (though they might also be transporting vegetables)...” Exactly what civilian infrastructure is the Israeli air force not willing to attack?
a) the International House of Falafels, because Israeli troops always drop by when they’re in the neighbourhood
b) that little shop that used to sell those funny nested dolls of different Palestinian leaders – you know, the one on what used to be Halevi Boulevard?
c) there’s a board with nails sticking out of it on the corner of Mazasheesh and Drucker – don’t ask why
562) What was the first clue that Zimbabwe’s Robert Mugabe was a madman?
a) the foam coming out of his mouth was too voluminous to be confused with shaving cream
b) he once held up a budget bill in the legislature to give a 12 hour rant about how the aliens from Tau Ceti were stealing all of the peanut butter out of his pantry
c) in the middle of negotiations with neighbouring states, he would start singing Abba’s “Dancing Queen” – even though he obviously had a tin ear – and he would sulk for the rest of the day if the other national leaders wouldn’t sing along
563) Disagreements continue over the handover of Iraq’s armed forces command from the U.S.-led coalition to the Iraqi government; the two sides still need “to complete some legal and protocol procedures that will lead to a complete understanding between the Iraqi government and the multinational troops.” Which legal and protocol procedures might those be?
a) the “Whose Your Daddy?” amendment to the “Do You Want A Spanking, Big Boy?” legislation
b) the “Putting Two Fingers In Front Of Your Nose To Stop The Poke In The Eyes” Protocol
c) the Helms-Burton Act, which bans trade with Cuba
d) all the above
564) What have we learned from The Ring Cycle?
a) human beings are disgusting, and the gods are no great shakes, either
b) some classical composers cranked it up well beyond 11
c) Wagner really should have gotten out more
565) NDP leader Jack Layton announced his Party’s opposition to the war in Afghanistan and its intention to bring the troops home a week before the Party’s policy convention. What was he afraid was going to happen?
a) the NDP would pass a resolution at the convention that each soldier must be given a wedgie before being allowed to return home
b) the NDP would pass a resolution at the convention that they should throw a surprise birthday party for Mullah Omar; Layton was especially worried that the stripper jumping out of the cake would not go over well
c) the NDP would pass a resolution at the convention that called for initiating immediate negotiations with gravity
566) Did the universe exist before there was a consciousness to comprehend it?
a) yes
b) no
c) cardamom
567) Who or what is “Christmas creep?”
a) the villain in the next Batman movie
b) the guilt you feel this year over not being able to buy your children the hottest toy on the market during next year’s Yuletide shopping season
c) the guilt you feel at not being able to get up any enthusiasm for the new Tim Allen movie The Santa Clause: Contract Negotiations Stall
568) A day after seizing power, Thailand’s military regime has promised to hold a new election within a year. What excuse will they use to renege on this promise?
a) General Sondhi Boonyaratkalin had a pedicure scheduled for that day
b) they cannot possibly hand over power until the quality of Thai sticks surpasses that of the golden era of the 1960s
c) sunspots
569) If the Bush Administration is so certain its “harsh interrogation techniques” are within the law, why does the detainee bill recently passed by Congress contain a provision exempting high officials for being tried as war criminals?
a) Dubya’s mom always told him you can’t be too careful, and nobody disagrees with Barbara Bush
b) is that – what? How…how did that get in there? Cheeeeeneeeeey!
c) history can be such a spoilsport
570) According to Commissioner Giuliano Zaccardelli, there was a lot of positive information in the report on the RCMP’s handling of the Maher Arar case. What was the most positive thing in the report?
a) no RCMP officer held the coat of any Syrian who beat Arar senseless
b) when RCMP officers misled the government about what was happening with Arar in an attempt to cover it up, they didn’t smirk
c) the RCMP still always gets its man, even if he’s innocent
571) Zaccardelli also said the report did not affect the core values of the RCMP. What might they be?
a) don’t drink and drive
b) always say thank you after you’ve beaten a confession out of a suspect
c) learn from your mistakes. For example: no barns in Quebec were blown up this time around
572) Where is the outrage that the RCMP was responsible for the torture of an innocent Canadian? I’m not talking about well-reasoned newspaper editorials calling for Zaccardelli’s resignation. I’m talking about Canadians descending on RCMP headquarters with pitchforks and torches, howling for people’s heads. Where is the outrage?
a) I’m not sure – I think, maybe, it fell behind the radiator
b) you’re asking if I brought the outrage? I thought you were supposed to bring the outrage
c) Halifax
573) Which of the following is not the best thing to floss with?
a) your child’s report card
b) a Foreman grill
c) a rhinoceros
d) are you a stark raving loony?
574) After his proclivity for sending sexually suggestive emails to young pages became public, Representative Mark Foley entered a clinic for alcoholism. A day later, his lawyer announced that he had been abused as a child. If these efforts to humanize him fail, what is Foley’s next step?
a) going to synagogue and claiming that he is a child of Holocaust survivors
b) having his lawyer announce that he was orphaned at a very young age when his parents died in the Hindenburg disaster
c) leaking to the press that he used to be a Wham! fan
575) Although a life-long Republican, Fox News identified Foley as a Democrat after the scandal broke. What does this say about the network?
a) it believes that its viewers have short memories, especially those in Florida who actually voted Republican
b) it is confident that its viewers don’t get their news from any other source, because if they did they would know that Foley is a Republican
c) they don’t pay attention to their own coverage, or they would have known that Foley was a Republican
576) Match the quote with the public figure who said it:
a) “If Lucifer ran, he wouldn’t [win against Hilary Clinton].”
b) “The devil came right here... And it still smells of sulfur today.”
c) “The evil ones have roused a mighty nation, a mighty land. And for however long it takes, I am determined that we will prevail.”
i) George W. Bush
ii) Jerry Falwell
iii) Hugo Chavez
577) Stephen Harper’s Conservative government is planning to replace Canada’s Kyoto commitments with a plan to curb car exhaust emissions that will take effect in 2010. Why wait?
a) lobbyists need time to figure out how to coopt the agency that will be enforcing the new rules
b) be fair – it’s not like global climate change is a serious problem requiring immediate attention
c) Harper will be back at the head of some marginal nutcase right wing lobby group by then, so good luck enforcing this one to whoever is in power
578) The Bush Administration released four pages of the National Intelligence Estimate, an NIE teaser, if you will. The four pages paint a damning portrait of the war in Iraq, which the 16 intelligence agencies that issued it claim has increased the threat of terrorism. Given its bleak four pages, what could possibly be in the remainder of the document?
a) recipes for a yummy desert ominously called “Jello Nuclear Surprise”
b) a map showing the location of Jimmy Hoffa’s body
c) proof that evolution is true
579) Who or what is the JIEDDO?
a) the Joint Improvised Explosive Device Defeat Organization
b) the Jedi Imperial Existential Dungeons and Dragons Outfit
c) the Jaundiced Intellectual Experiment in Doormats and Doughnuts Occlusion
d) the Juvenile Insectoid Eating Desperate…uhh…Derivatives Occupiers
e) the Judicial Invertebrate – oh, give me a break!
580) Stephen Harper says his government has launched an official complaint to get the American government to “come clean” about its role in the Maher Arar case. What is the likely American response to be?
a) patting Harper on the head, telling him that it understands that he needs to look like he has some distance from the American government and telling him to go out and play because the grown-ups have serious business to attend to
b) awarding Harper a seventh level boy scout merit badge
c) giving Harper a dog biscuit, because they’re just so good for your pet’s teeth
