Take fortune cookies. People sometimes add the phrase “…in bed” to the end of the fortunes, to make them more interesting, as if the ability to see beyond the arrow of time into one’s future wasn’t enough. You know: “Confucius say: Person who laugh loud also cry loud” …in bed. Or: “Il ne faut jamais remettre au lendemain ce que l’on peut faire le jour meme” …in bed. Or even: “Far East Fortune Cookie Ltd.” …in bed.
You get the idea.
I’ve often thought (or, to be honest, often thought in the few minutes that I have been writing this article) that the phrase could profitably be applied to political criticism. Let’s face it: being critical of the policies that could destroy people’s lives, or, in the most extreme example, make the planet entirely uninhabitable doesn’t seem like enough.
The way I see it, this new type of commentary would work something like this:
The Harper government’s refusal to deal seriously with global warming is not making it any friends…in bed. (Except, perhaps, for its corporate cronies.) Instead of a comprehensive plan for cutting greenhouse gas emissions, Harper’s plan deals with less important problems like smog…in bed.
Perhaps this is understandable. Cutting greenhouse gas emissions would require real sacrifice from Canadians…in bed. The last politician who was able to hold onto office while asking for such sacrifices from his people was American President John F. Kennedy, and look where that got him. Dealing with smaller problems would not entail the same level of political cost…in bed.
Mmm…I don’t know how well that’s working. Perhaps a different issue…
The Harper government is fundamentally changing the relationship between the federal and provincial governments…in bed. The Prime Minister refers to it as devolution of powers, as if this phrase will magically hide his real agenda from the public. What it really is is just the same old offloading of responsibilities to the provinces; with fewer responsibilities, the federal government can cut taxes, disproportionately rewarding its wealthy backers…in bed.
This is the Grover Norquist school of conservatism…in bed. The idea is to shrink the size of government small enough that it will be possible to drown it in a bathtub. Ha ha. Very funny…in bed. Either the government assumes that those who rely on government services to survive will be taken care of by the private sector – a dubious proposition – or they simply don’t care what happens to the poor and disenfranchised…in bed.
This is not a traditional Conservative Party position…in bed. As the name implies, the Conservatives have traditionally tried to maintain what was good about the country, including what worked in government…in bed. Shrinking government in the belief that it is inherently inferior to the free market in providing for collective needs is an essentially radical position…in bed.
It’s also not exactly what supposed fiscal conservatives do once they get into power…in bed. Invariably, they shift spending away from social programmes and reward their supporters…in bed. The increase in American military spending by Republican administrations, for example, was not only greater than their spending cuts in social programmes, but completely wiped out accumulated government surpluses. When liberals, the supposed exemplars of fiscal impropriety, get back into power, they are faced with massive deficits and they are forced to clean up the conservatives’ messes…in bed.
The Harper Conservatives have not only rewarded their friends in the military and big business, but they have gone on a veritable spree of spending in provinces they believe could help them win a majority…in bed. In particular, the party that had decried special favours for Quebec found it in its heart to give them a lot of goodies in the last federal budget. If the Conservatives would state up front that they were changing their policy, that would be one thing, but they resolutely refuse to acknowledge any contradiction between previous policy statements and their current actions…in bed.
There’s a word for that…in bed. The word is…in bed. The word…in bed. Come on! The word for that…in bed. Is…in bed. Is…in bed. I…in bed. …in bed. …in bed.
Okay, so, maybe it’s a little too easy for this device to get out of hand. But, as long as it helps foster understanding of the true nature of the political process, it should be considered a useful tool…