Thank you, Bart Shtarkfleegle, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. In our continuing effort to humanize our service, we’d like to introduce you to one of our many interns, Bart Shtarkfleegle. Bart does many useful things around the offi – hey! Wait! Bart, did you sign up for The Daily Me just so you could read us say nice things about you in our office roundup? Oh, man, you are gonna be so Hugh Wilsoned tomorrow!
Enjoy,Protocol Me When You’re Through
There are reports that the Conservative Party plans to put abandoning the Kyoto Protocol in the Speech from the Throne. This would put Liberal Opposition leader Stephane Dion in a no-win position: if he opposes the Throne Speech, he’ll trigger an election he isn’t ready to contest; if he supports the Throne Speech, he will be abandoning Kyoto, which his party supports. You can almost hear the party strategists tittering to themselves over how clever they are.
Listen up, federal Conservative Party strategist assholes! IT’S ONLY CLEVER IF NOBODY KNOWS YOU’RE ABOUT TO DO IT! IF YOU BRAG ABOUT HOW CLEVER YOU’RE BEING TO THE PRESS, YOU UNDERMINE THE WHOLE DEAL! Not only that, but you give Dion time to figure out a strategy to deal with your little bit of cleverness.
My doctor warned me that if I don’t lighten up, my brain will spontaneously combust. But, what can I do? So many assholes, so little time.
SOURCE: Listen Up, Asshole
[http://www.(^!$%!$#_)!(*)!*)*)*#%!&&%(.com/index.html]
more
New Heights Of Just Don’t Getting It
Ethnics Kicks
Happy Rosh Hashanah our Jewish friends!SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/205.html]
more
Isn’t Shelby Steele A Romance Novelist?
MONDAY: Have you ever noticed that the white people who are most likely to accept Shelby Steele’s ideas about white guilt are usually the ones who were least likely to actually feel it?
TUESDAY: Why am I able to get eye drops in every orifice of my body except my eyes?
WEDNESDAY: Since “iso” means “equal to” or “equally,” why doesn’t the word “isolate” mean “just as late?”
THURSDAY: I sent a money order to somebody – who isn’t important to this story. They claimed not to have received it, so I went – no, really, who isn’t important to the story. Just stay with me, okay? I went to the bank to cancel the money order before somebody found it and cashed it. They told me I had to wait a month. Why? Bank rules. So, fast forward a month. I go to the bank and try to get the money order cancelled. You know what they said? Why is this incompetent institution making so much money?
FRIDAY: No, I’m not a bee-liever. As one of the few people who doesn’t actually like Jerry Seinfeld, I’m more bee-leagured than anything. Bee-wildered a little. Bee-seeching fans to give it a rest, even.
SATURDAY: I heard somebody at a party say: “Who is he kidding? He couldn’t make time with her if he was an alarm clock!” Like, was that supposed to be a joke? What does “make time” mean, anyway? Is that, like, a fifties thing?
SUNDAY: Bee-trayed. Bee-moaning my fate, because this is so un-bee-coming. See, Jerry? Not all “bee” puns are worth making.
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
more
Passing Majority Gas
President George W. Bush has forcefully argued that proposed legislation that gives the United States government the right to spy on roadside lemonade stands run by eight year-olds is a crucial weapon in the fight against terrorism. “See, protecting America is our most solemn obligation,” the President stated, “and who knows how many lives are at risk from weapons of mass destruction masquerading as cooling summer beverages? I sure don’t!”
Senator Majority Leader Harry Reid, doing his best Woody Allen impression, responded, “Ahh, this is a, err, bad law. If we, uhh, spy on our children, who is left? There is nobody left. That, ahh, isn’t good! I’m gonna do everything in my power to, ahh, stop this bill. I’m already, err, composing a strongly worded letter to the Times!”
The bill is expected to pass with a strong majority.
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOJIKPQFIQMFSM5WAVDFT0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!6qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s119/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=21213]
more
Sure, But We Live With A Culture Of Embarrassment, So There’s Nothing To Be Embarrassed Abo…Umm…
DEAR MISSED MANNERS: There is this country – this is so embarrassing! I’ve been letting it use my airspace to fly supplies in to…this other country that it has been having a bit of a spat with. I thought if I did this it would like me. But, just the other day, its Senators passed a resolution saying I had participated in a genocide of my Armenian citizens. I was all, like, “Oh, you dihn’t!” But, they did! I thought this was over and done with – how dare they bring up something out of my distant past! Am I just kidding myself about the potential for our relationship?
DEAR HEART: I don’t know how many times I have to say this, but: give up your airspace tonight and the country you give it to won’t respect you in the morning. A country has to hold something back or it has nothing to negotiate with the next day. As for the accusations of Armenian genocide, well, it sounds to me like somebody is in deep denial…
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1086591831813&call_pageid=968318278492&col=963496972154]
more