The Daily Me – Kaitlin Sopoci-Belknap

Thank you, Kaitlin Sopoci-Belknap, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. So, like, do you think Mandy Moore will get an Oscar for best actress, like, ever, for starring in Because I Told You So? Okay, like, the movie came out after the new year, and, sure, like, it’s only her first role and stuff, but, really, can any other actress project insouciant vulnerability the way Mandy can? All of the other actresses in Hollywood should, like, just give up, already! Helen Mirren? Dame Judi Dench? I mean, they’re okay, and all, but, like, they’re just not Mandy!

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

A Bush Sleeps Easier Tonight

A couple of months before she died, I had the distinct pleasure of emailing Molly Ivins, correcting her on an arcane point about a now obscure musical comedian. She had the grace not to respond, saving us both the embarrassment of a tortured correspondence about a trivial matter.

She will be missed.

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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The Harshest Medicine Comes In Couplets

Current Events Poetry Smackdown

I suppose you could do worse
Than to get your current events in verse
After all, there is a long history
Of politically inspired poetry
And if the tone is mostly convivial
That doesn’t mean the effort is trivial

In this corner we get
Toronto’s Poet Laureate
The Star’s Pier Giorgio Di Cicco
Whose name is impossible to rhyme with (oh oh!)
Not that this is a problem as such
Since, as a good Modernist, he doesn’t feel the need to rhyme all that much

In the far corner, all hail
John Allemang in The Globe and Mail
If it’s serious discourse you seek
Be aware his tongue is planted firmly in cheek
But don’t imagine you’re reading satirical new art
For Allemang is no Jon Stewart

As they duke it out, the real killin’
Is being made by The Nation’s Calvin Trillin
He has been at it a lot longer
And his editorial gravitas is much stronger
And although his ego may occasionally grate
He must be considered the reigning heavyweight

Hmmmm…

Does the fact serious journals publish their political patter
Suggest that poetry once more is starting to matter?
Or, could it be that public political discourse
Is, on the whole, getting worse?
I’m not certain that anybody knows
I certainly don’t – I only write prose!

SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered

[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/150.html]
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Some Call It Fate, I Call It An Italian Delicacy

Why don’t government officials talk about the blood around the rubble of the World Trade Centre after 9/11? I’ll tell you why – it couldn’t have been blood. Blood doesn’t have the right consistency at that heat. What does? Spaghetti sauce. I have the same problem with body parts – we know that something with the consistency of ground up flesh was found around Ground Zero, but nobody talks about what it could have been. It’s not too farfetched to suggest that it was more like “ground round” zero. That’s right: meatballs.

The best conclusion a reasonable person would come up with, then, is that, for reasons we cannot fathom, the World Trade Centre was destroyed by The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

SOURCE: Mike’s Ultimate Conspiracy Page

[http://www.ignoremeatyourperil.com/conspiracy2328.html]
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Try Ninety Degrees To The Fourth Dimension

The Canadian Liberals press the Conservative government to abide by the Kyoto protocol, even though they did little to abide by it when they were in power. The Absurd Ironyometer doesn’t know which way to turn.

A clothing store in Toronto displays an “I heart Conrad Black” t-shirt in its window, like he wouldn’t rather get his chest hairs starched than wear something so plebian. The Absurd Ironyometer vows to stop reading The National Post…again.

SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page

[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Typical Liberal Lament

I’m glad the war is going badly. That will teach President Bush how wrong his whole policy of preemption is.

No, that’s harsh. So many innocent people are dying for no good reason. I wish the war had never been started.

But, at least those deaths have exposed the hubris behind the whole neocon movement. Sure, they talk a good game of promoting democracy, but, in the end, they’re willing to spill other people’s blood for oil and power. That’s good.

Oh, but American soldiers keep dying. That’s bad.

But…

SOURCE: The O’Meilly Factor

[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2934,96206,00.html]
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Chestnuts Roasting By A Virtual Fire…

This is supposed to be a spiritual season; a time for reflection, not an orgy of consumption. A time for families and companionship, for benevolence, for cherishing all the non-material things we hold dear. If you’re not lucky enough to have that in your life, now you can buy it.

Just in time for the holidays, Will Wright has created the Christmas Cheer 2006 patch for his classic computer game The Sims. Watch as your sim characters get drunk on egg nog and throw up in their neighbours’ stockings hung by the chimney with care. Feel free to slam the front door on the annoying carolers who hum all your Yuletide favourites, but don’t be surprised if they egg your house later in the evening. And, of course, no Christmas would be complete without those annoying cards that make the lives of simulated humans seem so much more rich and fulfilling than your own.

The Christmas Cheer 2006 Sims patch: why be alone and miserable when you can be miserable with virtual friends and family?

SOURCE: Gamer Bois Mag

[http://boiswillbe.com#ipo_article=4]
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Language Doesn’t Kill Me – People Do

It’s strange to think that Nancy “We Shall Impeach No President Before His Time” Pelosi is the third man in line for the presidency.

SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor

[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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Fair Enough, But I Don’t Think I’ll Be Quoting You, Either

DON’T MISQUOTE ME

THEME: Lunch
Unscramble the letters to find the speakers.

“The dumpster behind the Slop and Scoot has the best turkey dinner leftovers – they hardly ever get the Shrimp, Tasso Ham And Artichoke With Creole Lemon Butter mixed in with the coffee grounds!”

EENRTOS RPUFM

________ ______

“Food is a gift from God, and it isn’t even necessarily your birthday. So, friends, why don’t you repay the kindness with a generous donation?”

REERVNED APT “LORA” RHGIUSTEO

__________ ____ _____ ____________

“A man in Chenabuctoo was rushed to hospital when – and, I swear, I’m not making this up – he tried to get into the Guinness World Book of Records by stuffing the most mushroom caps up his anus.”

MICHELANGEALO “DCIK” TREONMTE

_________________ _____ ___________

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1988591831823&call_pageid=958335278402&col=958666972164]
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