Thank you, Hayet Belhaloufi, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, like, ohmygawd, did you see Catch and Release? Is Jennifer Garner not, like, the most beautiful woman in, like, the history of beauty in the universe!?! Those cheekbones could, like, cut diamonds! And, like, the scene where she was wearing that wedding dress? Wasn’t she just, like, so perfect? Like, she should always wear wedding dresses, like, everywhere. To go to rehearsals. To go to the corner store to get ice cream (because, like, you know she’s never gonna be fat in her life!). While taking showers! We’re not gay or anything, but, like, don’t get us started!
Enjoy,Does That Mean The Bush Administration Is In Its Final Throes?
The National Mall in Washington yesterday was filled with people protesting the Bush government’s plan to send more American soldiers to Iraq. According to Tony Snow, the White House estimated the number of protestors at…three. Either those three people were the biggest Americans ever – I’m talking several thousand pounds each – or the administration’s math has degenerated to the days of the cave man.
You know: cave men only know three numbers: one, two and more than two.
As the war in Iraq continues to disintegrate, fewer and fewer people more and more desperately cling to the dream of George W. Bush of a remade democratic Middle East. They think of themselves as patriots. I think of them as “a few dead enders.”
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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My Grandmother Makes Harsher Attack Ads About My Dad
Some people are referring to the recent television spots by the Conservative Party of Canada as “attack ads.” One, with the tag line “Who really controls the Liberal Party?” shows Stephane Dion repeating the word “Satan” 37 times. Another paints a big green neon line between Dion and the Pacific Scandal. Even though it happened in 1872. And it was actually a Conservative government in power at the time.
You think this is bad? Come on! Quotes from Liberal Party leadership candidates are barely taken out of context. Past scandals are always fair game no matter how tenuously tied to current party leadership. What? You think Canadians can’t handle this kind of stuff? You think we’re a nation of pussies?
This wouldn’t come close to passing the Karl Rove smell test.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[URL]
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We’re Already Shocked, Thank You, Mister President
Israeli President Moshe Katsav, responding to a string of expected sexual assault charges, stated, “I am the target of one of the worst attacks in the history of the state of Israel.” Oddly enough, victims of suicide bombers and other acts of violence against Israeli Jews were not available to debate him.
SOURCE: Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1098853590825]
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From You TV To Eww! TV
HBO. 9:30. Friends…With Privileges. Ross and Chandler convince Monica to try a three-way. Rachel, feeling sorry for Joey because he’s feeling sorry for himself for not being part of the wild scene with Monica, gives him a blow job. Meanwhile, Phoebe, having nothing better to do, masturbates with a dildo in the shape of the President of the United States of America.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[URL]
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Just Two Countries That Pass In The Night…
DEAR MISSED MANNERS: I met just the cutest country last week. It’s neat and clean and ever so polite. At first, I thought there was a lot of chemistry between us, but soon I started having difficulty knowing where I stood with it. Sometimes, the country sends trade delegations to me, which suggests that it wants close ties. Other times, though, it makes fun of my human rights record, sometimes in front of my friends! That’s not a very companionable thing to do. What should I believe?
DEAR HEART: You’re a beautiful older superpower with the potential to really make something of yourself this time around. Don’t settle for half-hearted suitors. You deserve much better, and, if you wait for it, it will come.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088591831813&call_pageid=968335278492&col=968666972154]
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Oh, We’re Well Beyond Alanis Territory Here
STORY: Donald Trump, who never met an employee he didn’t enjoy firing, says he stands behind Miss America “because everybody deserves a second chance.” RESULT: The Absurd Ironyometer shivers with anticipation of worse to come. And, it doesn’t have to wait long. FOLLOWUP STORY: Trump, a chubster whose hair looks like a ferret crawled up on top of his head and died, accuses Rosie O’Donnell of various tendencies towards ugliness. RESULT: The Absurd Ironyometer waits for the other shoe to drop. FOLLOWUP STORY TO THE FOLLOWUP STORY: Trump, the employee firing without remorse guy, calls O’Donnell a bully. RESULT: The Absurd Ironyometer spins with voyeuristic joy.
STORY: Having a heart attack rushing to buy your Heart and Stroke Foundation early bird lottery tickets. RESULT: The Absurd Ironyometer suggests bran.
STORY: Preston Manning makes an impassioned plea for civility in public political discourse on the Globe and Mail oped page the day Conservative attack ads start running on television. RESULT: The Absurd Ironyometer puts on its thinking toque, eh, and goes “Hmm…” FOLLOWUP STORY: One of the ads attack the recent Liberal inaction on the environment, ignoring the Conservatives’ current year of indifference to the environment. RESULT: The Absurd Ironyometer makes plans to send a copy of An Inconvenient Truth to every Conservative member of Parliament.
STORY: The United States, which has been pursuing Star Wars and other space-based weapons systems since the 1980s, lectures China on not making space a battle zone after it uses a missile to shoot down one of its own satellites. RESULT: The Absurd Ironymeter spins twice and points up, quivering.
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Journalists Pull Plug On Stories About Kids Who Pull The Plug On Their Wired World
Gerald, 57, knows how it works. You’ve got a deadline. You need a human interest story, and your editors are still obsessed about how the public is still obsessed with kids who swear off electronic media, television, say, or computers for a week. You ask around and find out where there’s a kid, a family, a whole town that has sworn off the Internet for a week.
There’s always a kid, a family, a whole town that has sworn off the Internet for a week.
The story writes itself.
Only, this week, Gerald swore off writing stories about people who swear off using electronic media.
“It was like a whole new world opened up before me,” Gerald, not his real name, stated. “Did you know that Google agreed to censor its software to get into China? Or, that Microsoft’s Vista actually allows Microsoft to control aspects of your hard drive? It’s amazing what you can learn when you’re not writing about…about…you know.”
Gerald’s face clouded over for a moment, but then the moment passed.
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1106700811263460.xml]
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