Thank you, Louise Airdhead, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, like, then we walked right past that cute guy from, like, accounting? At the water cooler, you know? And, like, our skirt was, like, very short, you know? And, still, he didn’t, like, notice that we were alive? He’s so gay. Or, maybe he was, like, really, really thirsty. But, we didn’t notice any flames coming out of his mouth, or, like, anything. And, did we, like, mention that our skirt was really short and, like, really hot?
Enjoy,The Mouse That Arared
In the aftermath of the Canadian government’s $11.5 million settlement with Maher Arar, Saint Peter took the unusual step of holding a press conference to announce that, had Arar died during his year of torture in Syria, Heaven would have immediately let him enter.
In response, David Wilkins, Washington’s envoy to Canada, stated, “the United States and Heaven will continue to disagree, but the American position will stand. We thank Heaven for respecting the right and responsibility of the United States to protect our citizens just as we respect Heaven’s right to do the same.”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20070118.eladvote0118_@/BNStory/newsLeaveHimToHeaven2007/]
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No More Persnickety Locutions?
In a move so plebian it has court watchers shocked (but not awed), Conrad Black’s lawyer says David Radler, Black’s former business partner and the chief witness against him, is “a liar.” Not a prevaricator. Not a disingenuous ambiguator. Not an ignominious obfuscator. Not even a scurrilous cur with only a passing acquaintance with veracity.
No. A liar.
Black watchers, pro and con, are having a difficult time understanding the argument, given that it has been stated in plain English. “I understand both of the words,” stated Black enthusiast Carmelina Prendergast, “but they don’t make sense when a representative of Lord Black puts them together in that way.”
SOURCE: CanWest Blowhole
[http://www.canada.com/blowholetv.html]
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No More Limousines? I’ll Tell You Anything You Want To Hear!
Soon after President Bush’s state of the union address, American forces launched a pre-dawn raid on an Iranian consulate in a Kurdish city in northern Iraq and detained six Iranian diplomats. They are now likely in a more or less, wink and a nod, sort of kind of, maybe but not really permanent American base in Iraq.
The good news is that they won’t be subject to waterboarding or stress positions. If the Americans want anything from them (other than a provocation to Iran to start World War We’ve Lost Track Of The Number), they can always subject the diplomats to the taking away of their expense accounts and denying them access to Duty Free shops.
SOURCE: The Day to Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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Still Glad Your Readers Are Asking “Why?”
Clarification: some readers have misinterpreted this newspaper’s “War Against Poverty” campaign. “Yes, yes, finally!” one reader wrote. “We need to set up machine guns at Queen’s Park and mow down the homeless and indigent! That will teach them for not contributing to the economic well-being of society!” Another wrote: “Carpet bombing Queen Street West seems like a reasonable solution to poverty in the city – it’s not like it would be missed.”
Actually, the aim of the war against poverty is to eliminate the poor by giving them more opportunity to get jobs that pay enough that they can lift themselves out of it. Still, we’d like to thank all of our readers for their contributions to the ongoing discussion of how best to deal with this problem. And, to the person who volunteered to garrote the poor while they slept, you need help.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088591837813&call_pageid=968335278292&col=968333972154]
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45,454,545 – Not That We’re Counting…
Friends of George W. Bush hope to raise $500 million to build a Presidential library in his name when his term of office ends. I find it incredible. Do you know how many copies of The Pet Goat you can get for that kind of money?
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Duplicitous (adj.): Condoleezza Rice
augmentation: increase: the increasing, or growth, of something in number, amount, size, strength, or intensity, or the amount by which something grows or is added to
surge: increase suddenly: to increase strongly and suddenly
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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Masculine Hygiene – Ask Your Doctor…To Explain What The Hell We’re Talking About
Boys, are there are times when you feel, you know, less than fresh?
I’m talking about that time of the day when your body, which, as we all know, is your enemy when it comes to social success, starts to feel, you know, less than fresh. It can happen anyplace at any time. While you’re playing tennis. While riding a horse. While walking down an otherwise inexplicably deserted beach with your best gal on your arm.
Oh, yeah. Boys, you know what I’m talking about. Your friends won’t tell you – they’ll just laugh at you behind your back. Your enemies won’t tell you – they’ll just laugh at you to your face. Your parents won’t tell you because they’re just too uptight. But, you know how it feels to be, you know, less than fresh. And, it’s perfectly normal to hate your body for making you such a social leper. But, it doesn’t have to be that way.
RaunchFree products – so you can have a normal, teenage boy’s life and don’t have to suffer the embarrassment of feeling, you know, less than fresh ever again.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1007172604]
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Add This One To Our List Of Questions We’re Really Glad We Asked
The Doomsday Clock was recently reset from seven minutes to midnight to five minutes to midnight. This has prompted many of the readers of this Web page to ask what the difference is between the Doomsday Clock and the Rapture Clock, since we both essentially count down to the end of the human race.
It’s simple really. The people on the board of the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists think reaching midnight is a bad thing. We think reaching midnight would be a good thing.
SOURCE: The Rapture Clock
[http://www.time2rapture.com/rapFAQ.html]
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If The Review Was Any Shorter, It Would Exist In Negative Space
Catch and Release – catch and gutSOURCE: Five Second Movie Reviews
[http://www.5secmovrev.com/NOW.htm]
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