Thank you, Jitender Fawcett, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we spent the balance of the day at the Busker Fair. It was pretty tame, not like the time one of the buskers actually ate his own liver, but we got a few chuckles out of the incompetent sword swallower, so it wasn’t a total waste.
Enjoy,Sixty Years Later, And They’re More Popular Than The Beatles!
The Nazi Comparison of the Week Award goes to Conservative Public Safety Minister Stockwell Day, who claimed: “It’s just a straight historic analogy [comparing Hezbollah to the Nazis] and an attempt to alert people who may be lulled into complacency to realize that the goal of the annihilation of the Jewish people was very nearly accomplished.”
Day went on to say that those who didn’t share his moral certainty shouldn’t “muddy the waters” with democratic deba – oh, hold on. Hold on – I’m getting reports of a breaking story…US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has accused critics of the Bush administration’s policies in Iraq of being similar to Nazi appeasers. This isn’t a direct comparison to Nazis, but it still uses the Holocaust as a bludgeon against people whose politics he disagrees with – judges, can I have a ruling on this?
Yes, the judges are conferring and…YES, they have decided to award the Award to Rumsfeld. The Nazi Comparison of the Week Award goes to Donald Rumsfeld! It’s a tough break for Stockwell Day, but he doesn’t have a lot of arrows in his rhetorical quiver, so you can expect the plucky Canadian to be back in competition in no time.
SOURCE: Bill’s Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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Where Have I Heard This Before?
The dorsalis pugnacium is a small species of dolphin that has a dorsal fin that abruptly turns into a 90 degree angle from its body about halfway up, causing the animal to swim in endless circles. Marine biologists believe that this is the primary reason that the species is on the verge of extinction.
SOURCE: Wiwipedia
[http://en.wiwipedia.org/wiwi/Stupid_dolphin]
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L’Etranger And L’Etranger
MONDAY: Am I the only one who – sorry, I promised I wouldn’t use that opening again. Umm, don’t you think it’s strange that there are now 11 games called Final Fantasy?
TUESDAY: Speaking of strange, the last time he was at his Crawford retreat, President Bush read Camus’ L’Etranger. The short novel is, among other things, about a man who kills an Arab for no good reason. I can imagine Bush’s response: “Piker! I was responsible for killing thousands of Arabs for no good reason! See, you gotta have a bold imagination, and this feller Camus just didn’t!”
WEDNESDAY: If life gives you lemons, what’s the point of making lemonade? General Foods has cornered the market.
THURSDAY: New Orleans, New Orleans, New Orleans. So much of the city still doesn’t have electricity, clean water or adequate food, and the head of the Army Corps of Engineers doesn’t think that the rebuilt levees will hold back another strong hurricane. It’s a good thing that billions of dollars from FEMA were lost to scams and incompetent spending; at least they weren’t wasted on rebuilding the city.
FRIDAY: Andrew Young, Andrew Young, Andrew Young. Did we really need to be reminded that it only takes 30 seconds of thoughtless racism to destroy 30 years of thoughtful leadership?
SATURDAY: Three quarters of Americans can name two of the seven dwarfs, while only one quarter can name two Supreme Court justices according to a survey by Zogby International. Zogby International? Sounds like a circus sideshow: The Amazing Zogby and His Dancing Gerbils. Or, maybe some hostile alien: Commander Zogby of the Imperial Attanurak Forces orders you to surrender the Earth immediately or it will be destroyed! Or, maybe it’s a new type of body wash. Or…or…what was I talking about, again?
SUNDAY: If god wanted Buddhists to convert to Christianity, do you really think he would need Johnny Hart’s help to do it?
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
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ALIEN DEATH JELLY FALLS ON DEAF EARS!!!
A thin layer of blue jelly fell from the sky and blanketed most of the city of Wellington, Nova Scotia yesterday. Residents were warned not to try to eat the jelly, which tastes mildly like carp and tends to rot the lining of people’s stomachs.
The only clue to where the jelly came from was a scratchy message that was repeatedly broadcast on an unused portion of the radio spectrum for an hour after the jelly had landed. “This is Zeeblebraxas, The Partially Infirm,” the message went, “telling the people of Earth that you were warned.”
The message seemed to have originated in the vicinity of Pluto.
SOURCE: The Inquiring National Star
[http://www.inquiringnationalstar.com/gossip/64398]
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Wait A Minute! Wait Just A Minute! In This Scenario…Who Exactly Is “It?”
The leader of Hezbollah, Sheikh Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah, admitted yesterday that he wasn’t expecting Israel to wage war on Lebanon. “It’s just this silly game we play,” Nasrallah explained, “Israel imprisons 700 of our citizens, we kidnap two of theirs, and then we swap. We’ve been playing for years!”
Nasrallah claimed that starting a war changed the rules of the game. “It’s like starting a game of tag in your front yard,” he stated, “only to find that one of the players, without telling anybody, has brought cluster bombs. As you can imagine, this changes the nature of the game somewhat.”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49837-2006Aug27.html]
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Yeah, Rotting Fruit Pretty Much Sums Up The Whole Enterprise
A few months ago, I suggested that members of the liberal media should be dragged away from their lattes in chains and put in stocks in city centres to be mocked by children and the mentally infirm. Some people have suggested that this was the height of satirical comedy.
Do I look like a satirical comedian to you? I assure you, I don’t have a funny bone in my body. My wife has to tell me when to laugh when we’re watching comedies; if she didn’t, my face would probably freeze in a perpetual scowl.
When the traitors in the liberal media are put in public stocks, I’ll be selling rotten tomatoes from a cart nearby. That’s not meant satirically, and I would appreciate it if people who feel the need to defend me not take it that way. There are a lot of rotten tomatoes to go around.
SOURCE: The O’Meilly Factor
[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2633,96287,12.html]
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