The Daily Me – ajdsfoiweqjlasdf

Thank you, ajdsfoiweqjlasdf, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then we tripped and punctured our spleens. That’s right. We…tripped. But, not to worry: you can actually continue to function with a punctured spleen…as long as you have a high tolerance for excruciating pain.

Uhh, Have You Considered Taking An Anger Management Class?

Israel and Hezbollah are both claiming victory in their recent to-do. Israel. Hezbollah. Victory. All in the same sentence.

Listen up, Middle Eastern assholes. Hundreds of Arabs and dozens of Israelis died in your little spat. Whole areas of Lebanon have been reduced to rubble, with much of its civilian infrastructure destroyed. This caused hundreds of thousands of people to become refugees. And, for what? Hezbollah still exists. Israel still exists. Lobbing rockets at each other isn’t going to change that.

The only winners here are international arms dealers and local undertakers.

SOURCE: Listen Up, Asshole

[http://www.(^!$%!$#_)!(*)!*)*)*#%!&&%(.com/index.html]
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Put The Blame Where It Belongs – On The Venutians

To the editor:

It has come to our attention that the International Astronomical Union has decided to keep Pluto’s designation as a planet. While we applaud this decision, we are more than a little concerned that citizens of Pluto were not consulted on the decision.

When I say more than a little concerned, I mean, of course, that we had Andaholic Greebleflerts poised to shoot at Prague if the decision had gone the other way. As I’m sure you know, this would have made life very difficult for the human delegates by mutating their gastronomicons. Very difficult, indeed.

I trust that if there are any future discussions about the status of Pluto, I or some other representative of the planet will be asked to attend.

SOURCE: Scientific Canadian

[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1124H3MO-2C145-104K5-AAA1582614B711611]
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As Long As They Keep Their Clothes On…PLEASE!

Senators Gone Wild, Volume 17, featuring Joe Lieberman (D-Con) and Ted Stevens (R-Alas).

These Senators are TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL! First, there’s Joe “I’m Not Leaving And You Can’t Make Me” Lieberman – he’ll run for office on any ticket that’ll have him, even if it’s for the Independent Mongoose Party! Then, there’s Ted “Not a Dump Truck” Stevens. Sure, the Internet isn’t a truck you can dump stuff into. It’s not a bathtub you can pour stuff into, or a gin bottle you can drink stuff out of, either. Does it make sense? Of course not! THIS SENATOR HAS GONE COMPLETELY WILD!

Note: all Senators in Senators Gone Wild videos were at least 35 years of age at the time the videos were made, and signed release forms giving us permission to film them before they got wasted and started doing stupid things.

SOURCE: Ad Meek

[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1010952594]
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Decisive But Dumb And Divisive – It’s Dumbcivisive!

Now, remind me why it’s better to be decisive than right?

SOURCE: Politics for Dummies

[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=461&dir=bb]
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You Can’t Argue With That Logic – It’s Not Worth Your Sanity…

Toronto has yet to receive a penny of a $17.3 million allocation for the homeless under the federal Supporting Communities Partnership Initiative. Colleen Cameron, spokeswoman for Human Resources and Social Development Minister Diane Finley, said, “Citizens without resources, programmes without resources – there is a perfect symmetry, here, don’t you think?”

SOURCE: aye Weakly

[http://www.aye.net/]
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Heifer Is The New Size Four

NewUgly is a fat, glossy women’s magazine that celebrates the kind of beauty that can only be achieved by eating a steady diet of fast food burgers, French fries and chemical shakes for 40 or more years. NewUgly (there’s no space between the words) claims to be “the world’s even more unique beauty magazine,” and, with articles about braiding rolls of fat and adding handles to piano bodies to make them more effective caskets, it’s easy to see how that claim would go unchallenged!

SOURCE: LotsMusic

[http://www.lotsmusic.com/news/?thedate=8/22/2006#3]
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Bwahaha, I Guess…

Un huh. Un huh. Un huh. NASA has just admitted that it has no idea of where the original tapes of the moon landing are. In fact, around 700 boxes of transmissions from the Apollo lunar missions are missing. Nowhere to be found. Gone. Kaput. Oh, yeah. Hell, yeah. And, a NASA spokesman added, even if they are found, the magnetic tapes are probably so degraded that they would not be playable. AHA! All of the proof that there ever was a lunar landing is gone! Gone, gone, gone! Gone like the wind! Gone like your money when you bet on a straight and an opponent has a full house! Gone like your memories of first love! Gone like they never existed! Which they probably didn’t! Because everybody knows the whole moon landing thing was a hoax!

Of course, even if they had the tapes, it wouldn’t matter, because everybody knows that they were faked. BUT THEY DON’T HAVE THE TAPES, SO THAT’S ONE LESS HOLE WE NEED TO PUNCH IN THE CONSPIRACY!

SOURCE: Mike’s Ultimate Conspiracy Page

[http://www.ignoremeatyourperil.com/conspiracy2333.html]
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Every Journey Into Barbarism Starts With The Disappearance Of A Single Fact

SOURCE: Boogle

[http://www.boogle.ca/search?hl=en&q=climatechange.gc.ca.&meta=]
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