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ICES Does Not Play Nices With Government Vices [ARNS]
by ELMORE TERADONOVICH, Alternate Reality News Service Film and Television Writer Remakes are a blatant cash grab that play on our nostalgia of the original films or TV series. Since…
Promises May be Made to be Broken, But Atomized? [ARNS]
by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer "I will never, ever, ever...ever cut Medicare or Medicaid," Ronald McDruhitmumpf said on the campaign trail. "So help me, I would…
Look! Up in the Air! It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane
No, It’s – What Is It? It – Whatever It Is, It’s Getting Closer To –
Oh, My Gord, It’s Heading Straight For Us! Run! [ARNS]
by PHILOMENA DUMBROWSKI-MANISCHEVITS, Alternate Reality News Service Unintended Consequences Writer A Boewing 746 ("We try harder") airplane making its descent into Kennebunkedy Airport flying so low you would think it…
The Case Against the McDruhitmumpf Administration is USAIRtight [ARNS]
by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Politics Writer The problem with killing babies is that there isn't much of a constituency for it. Babies are cute: when they…
Promise Made, People Swept [ARNS]
by INDIGO HAPHAZASTANCE Alternate Reality News Service Transdimensional Traffic Writer Julio Garmenencia wore a dark grey suit with all the gravitas of a man expecting to meet Jesus (his concrete…
Two! Two! Two Worlds in One! [ARNS]
by SASKATCHEWAN KOLONOSCOGRAD, Alternate Reality News Service Philosophy Writer According to the multiple worlds interpretation of quantum physics, every decision point that every person has every second of every day…
The Reduhblican Who Stole ChristmaKwaanzUkah [ARNS]
by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer Endomitrium Finnangilgamesh, the President and CEO of End Times Product Lines, a wholly unowned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp ("We do piggybacking on…
Tariffs? Terrif! [ARNS]
by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer The say that putting a tariff on the goods of another country is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to…
Getting Value For Your Money [ARNS]
by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology Writer You would think that artificial intelligences would be driven (pun not intended - wait, you don't even know it's a pun…
Nary, Nary, Quite Contrary
How Does Your Deficit Grow? [ARNS]
by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer Vice President-elect Ronald McDruhitmumpf warned House Reduhblicans that only a complete and utter bran-dead (sick - a cognitive impairment you…
(Funny) Money Changes Everything [ARNS]
by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer Justin Sunenmoonenstars thought he was a goner. The Securities and Exchange Commission had charged his companies with selling unregistered securities (crypto-currencies…
Some Bums Can’t Be Thrown Out [ARNS]
by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer Hospitals across Vesampucceri have seen a rash of - oh, wait, that's an awkward, possibly offensive way to start this story.…