SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
The former President summoned the current Senator to his office at his Luxury Resort hotel, golf course and assignation bar. The moment the Senator arrived, the former President hit him with a bamboo stick.
“Ow!” the Senator complained. “What was that for?”
“That was for not endorsing my bid to run for the presidency again,” the former President informed him.
“But I did endorse your bid for the presidency!” the Senator protested. Whereupon the former President hit him with the bamboo stick once again. “Ow! What was that for!”
“Not endorsing me fast enough,” the former President explained.
“But I was the second sitting Congressman to endorse you!” the Senator argued. Whereupon the former President hit him with the bamboo stick for a third time. “Ow! I’m beginning to think that you enjoy hitting people with a bamboo stick!”
The former President grinned and said, “Finally, somebody gets me.”
The former President was consulting with his chief aide/acolyte. “About the upcoming court cases,” the Acolyaide said, “I think the approach we should take is -“
“Election interference!” the former President interrupted.
“Yes, that is a good attack line,” the Acolyaide allowed. “But we should really -“
“Election interference!” the former President repeated.
“Umm. Okay. Right.” The Acolyaide pondered for a moment. Then, clearing his throat, he continued: “Very well, sir. Perhaps we should talk about how to deal with the abortion issue, which is killing us in -“
“Election interference!” the former President asserted.
“With all due respect, sir, I don’t think that’s quite the -“
“Election interference!” the former President insisted.
The Acolyaide considered this for several seconds. Finally, he said, “We need to talk about how you should deal with the Primary Challenger. She -“
“Election interference!” the former President roared.
His patience exhausted, the Acolyaide stated, “Sir, are you just using words to mean whatever you want them to mean?”
The former President grinned and answered, “Doesn’t everybody?”
The Lawyer was having dinner with the former President in a restaurant in one of his hotels. As the entree was being served, The Lawyer said, “We should probably talk about your legal strategy…”
Tucking into his steak (after having applied a liberal, if that is not an inappropriate term in this context, amount of ketchup), the President asked, “Why would we want to do that?”
“It is the purpose of this meeting,” the Lawyer reminded him.
“Okay, yeah, sure, whatever,” the former President magnanimously allowed. “The court case is going great. Best court case in the history of juries…prudent. Now, if we could talk about how you manage to keep your hair so great…”
“I don’t know…”
“About your hair?”
“About the court case. We haven’t put any witnesses on the stand to rebut the plaintiff’s witnesses.”
“That’s okay. I have a strategy.”
“All you seem to do is antagonize the judge by making political statements in the courtroom that have nothing to do with the case.”
“Ah, so you’re familiar with my strategy!”
“That is your strategy?”
“Are you sure you wouldn’t rather talk about your hair?”
The Lawyer consider this as she ate her salad. Eventually, she said, “I don’t use a lot of hair care products…”
The former President grinned, satisfied.
The Media Acolyaide had a private audience with the former President. “What can I do for you, Sloopy Steve?” the former President jovially asked. With an edge.
“Well, sir,” the Media Acolyaide, whose communication style ranged from gruff to gruffer all the way to terminally incensed, grumped, “with all due respect, I think your approach to President Bidenhisbeeswax is complete and utter bullshit.”
The President’s eyes, narrow at the best of times, became positively bigoted. “Is that so?” he demanded.
“Yes, sir. Calling him ‘Sleepy Joe’ to emphasize his age might backfire, since you’re only three years younger than he is.”
“That’s not going to be a problem.”
“No?”
“Absolutely not. On my first day in office, I will dictate that we use dental floss to secure the southern border. Then, I will be my own best vengeance. I will make Nikki Bilhaleycommits Ambassador to Hell! I will order Seal Team Six to put Crazy Glue on the seats of everybody on the Extreme Court and make sure they don’t leave until they rule that it’s within my presidential powers to do anything I want, like order Seal Team Six to put glazing Gru – I mean blazing blue – I mean Cutting Crew – buh buh buh, buh buh buh buh buh!”
“Uhh…”
The former President grinned. This was a lesson his Media Acolyaide would not soon forget!
Excerpted from Advanced Idiotocracy for Dummies: International Addition, Brenda Brundtland-Govanni, Editrix-in-Chief.