by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime Writer
Og Amontillado (whose nickname wasn’t “Buster,” although given his proficiency with a baton, it could very well have been) was a typical police officer: he enjoyed long walks in the park, slow kisses on moonlit nights and pepper spraying crowds of peaceful protesters. He has served the Tarawna Police Service honourably (or some fraction thereof) for 20 years.
It’s somewhat surprising, then, that he has been suspended with pay (because police aren’t barbarians…to their own) pending an investigation of his written reports.
Thag “Bruiser” Balustrade (so close, but still not a “Buster”) was another typical police officer: he was an avid scrapbooker, member of a barber shop quartet and puncher of protesters as they comply with police requests to leave buildings. He had joined the TPS at the same time as Officer Og, and was even more respected in the force.
It was even more surprising, then, when he was suspended with pay (because nobody wants somebody with a gun to have difficulty paying their mortgage) pending investigation of his written reports.
Were Officer Og and Officer Thag caught lying in their reports? Bless your innocent soul! At the TPS, lying on crime reports is known as Tuesday. No, their offence is that they told the truth in their crime reports.
For example, in a raid on an unhoused tent encampment in Gorki Park, Officer Og wrote: “I saw a shiny object in the tent as we tore it down. It was a silver teapot. I took it. It was pretty.”
At a pro-Palestinian march a week later, Officer Thag, “Rammed my bike up the ass of a straggler who dared to call my mother a ‘neanderthal.’ Hee hee. The look on his face was priceless! I’m sure his leg will heal in a month or two.”
“This am unfair!” Officer Og complained. “Me am just following orders!” When asked if he had been ordered to steal the teapot, he replied: “You am dumb! Me am ordered to use AI to write reports!”
“AI!” despaired Founder and Executive Director of Bastard AI Governance and Safety, Canada Wyatt Tessari L’Allie (his real name, and just about as far as one can get from being a “Buster” and still be in this galaxy). “Bastard AI!”
For the first few years of their service, Officer Og and Officer Thag wrote their reports in charcoal on the walls of their division. The images had a sort of naive representationalism, but they clashed with the sombre environment and, in any case, were not admissible in court. The TPS bought a program that allowed the officers to create their highly visual reports on a computer. While this solved the decor problem, it did not affect the admissibility issue, and replacing hardware that one or the other officer destroyed in his enthusiasm to express himself added a whole new layer of expense to the force’s budget.
When City Council approved that year’s increased TPS budget, it didn’t even blink at the line item for “tech replacement,” which cost less than cleaning the mounted unit’s poop off city streets.
More recently, the TPS encouraged its officers to employ generative AI YakTNT to write their reports. In the case of Officer Og and Officer Thag, it translated their imagistic reports into basic prose.
“Stealing the teapot and…the bike incident were hallucinations,” explained TPS union rep Karen (nary a “Buster” in sight) Burbblefudgit. “I mean, Officers Amontillado and Balustrade are seasoned veterans of the force – do you really think they would be foolish enough to risk their careers by telling the truth in a report?”
Wyatt? You want to jump in here?
“I’ve said all I have to say,” L’Allie stated. “Feel free to cut and paste it if you think it would be more appropriate in this place in the article.”
“What am hallucination?” Officer Og wondered. “Am it something you am make in teapot? Shiiiiiiny!”
“I’ll explain it to you after the press conference,” union rep Burbblefudgit told him.
Officer Thag barked in a way that could have been a precursor to human laughter. “Bike up butt,” he commented. “It still am funny.”
“Hush, dear,” union rep Burbblefudgit gently admonished him. “Momma’s trying to save your pension.”
“What am pension?” Officer Thag asked.
Union rep Burbblefudgit rolled her eyes. “Sometimes,” she commented, “I can’t help but wonder if this life is just one big hallucination. Sometimes, I wish it was…”
“Buster” Keaton was unavailable for comment, but at least mention of him made an honest headline out of the words in bold at the top of the article.