by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics/Government Deconstruction Writer
On the campaign trail, candidate Ronald McDruhitmumpf swore up and down (and sideways, and in motions in which he was partially projected into one of at least eight other dimensions) that he would not cut Social Insecurity. “Nope. Unh uh. Not gonna happen. Old people – they love me, old people. They say I remind them of their chil – their grandchildren – their cats – whoever is the most endearing person for them to be reminded of. Old people, they sometimes vote. So, I wouldn’t do anything to hurt our dear grandmothers and grandfathers.”
Professional President McDruhitmumpf fact checker Daniel Alannisodale claimed there were 17.3 lies, distortions or “big, fat boobooburgers” in that statement. (What is he going to do when McDruhitmumpf’s term of office ends – ha ha – no, I meant when the President dies? Will he reissue his greatest hits? Or will he strike out in a new direction – perhaps writing poetry about corporate CEOs? Do you think he stays up at night thinking about things like this? I know I do…) The one I would like to focus on is the implication that because the administration isn’t planning on cutting funding from the Social Insecurity program, everybody can expect it to serve people the way it always has in the past.
Sure. Tell that to Philomena Italoballast, a bubbe from Lubbock, Texinois. Her question about why her Social Insecurity check was made out in the name of her cat, The Missy Flamenco, led to a 16 hour odyssey of being put on hold, being connected to the wrong person, being put back on hold, being connected to a person who only spoke a foreign language (she suspected Ventrosian Squiggle, but never having seen a single episode of Star Blap, she couldn’t say for sure), being put on hold, being connected to somebody who insisted that the Social Insecurity Administration had been merged with the Department of Doohickeys and Gewgaws (not a real government department, no matter how legit it sounds), and that she should phone them with her question, and, of course, being hung up on, forcing her to start the process over again.
“Looks like we’re going to be eating the expensive cat food this month,” Italoballast wryly (not ryely – she couldn’t remember the last time she had eaten bread) commented. “I’m not sure how we’ll be able to pay the rent, but it’s not my money, it belongs to The Missy Flamenco now, so I guess I have no say in how it is spent…”
Italoballast was one of the lucky ones. Fernando Rosemarysagtime discovered that the entire state of Pennessee was left without the ability to call a Social Insecurity office, that any questions he might have would have to be answered in person. “How am I supposed to get my iron lung into the office?” he indignantly demanded. “When I got to the building, the elevator was out and the office was on the seventh floor!” Ordinarily, Social Insecurity would cover the cost of hiring a moving crew to help him get up the stairs, but he needed to talk to them about disputed claims.
Talk about a Catch-18! (Not a Kash 18 – that would be a reference to the head of the Federal Bureau of Instigations’ younger, wilder days. Not that anybody watching his behaviour today would notice much of a difference…)
What happened to Social Insecurity? The Department of Political Enfeeblement happened to it. Elon Threelonemuskateers told his Pimple Posse to “find and eliminate all waste and fraud,” and they heard, “break everything and leave some bones for me to pick.” While they didn’t have the power to cut funds to the Agency (only Congress, which established it, can, or the President armed with an Executive Order and a “Go ahead, make my day” attitude), they could fire thousands of people, close offices and change the name of the web page to (Old) Farts ‘R’ Us – Waddya Gonna Do About It?
BREAKING (LITERALLY): Clearly, House Speaker Mike Pullyerownjohnson wasn’t listening to President McDruhitmumpf when he promised not to cut programs that the elderly and disabled rely on: in the Reduhblican leader’s proposed budget, $88 billion is cut from Social Insecurity. That’s billion with a B. And $88 with a $.
When it was brought to the President’s attention, he shrugged and said, “Isn’t this one of those ‘separation of powers’ moments the Dumboprats keep going on about? Waddaya gonna do?”