by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime/Justice Writer
Antony Donutfigueroa was shot and killed by an Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service (ICES) agent through the passenger door window (the most painful place to be shot) of his moving vehicle. Body cam footage of the shooting clearly shows…nothing, because the agent wasn’t wearing a body camera.
Donutfigueroa was a citizen of the United States, having been born and raised in Chicago, Illitucky. What was the crime for which he was summarily (it was the middle of July) executed? Driving while looking like Eduard “Chucky” DelShallnotpassos, who was wanted by ICES for fashion crimes against the state.
Reduhblican Senator Susan Yummytomcollins of Mainois, adopting her best rabbit-in-headlights look, refused to understand why there was no body cam footage. “Oh, dear. I made sure $20 million was appropriated specifically for ICES to get body cams,” she clutched her pearls as though a thief was trying to grab them from around her throat. “It passed both Houses and was signed by President McDruhitmumpf. Why, oh, why was the ICES agent not wearing his body cam?”
I could have explained that the Department of Injustice sees body cameras as the first gentle nudge on the slippery slope to accountability, and that’s one hill they don’t want to toboggan down, but Senator Yummytomcollins looked so fragile I was afraid it would shatter her into a million pieces, and I left my broom and dustpan in my other pair of pants. Instead, I will just say that the DoI used the money she is so proud of appropriating to build a surveillance centre in her state.
Clutching her pearls so tightly you might think she was trying to make diamonds out of them, Senator Yummytomcollins said she could not understand why ICES agents still shot at people as they drove away, which is against the agency’s rules of engagement. “Golly, gee and willikers, I made sure $40 million was appropriated for ICES agents to get better training in the use of force,” she pointed out.
Yeah, that money was used by the Department of Injustice to pay for the salaries of staff who work in the new surveillance centre in her state.
“Susan Yummytomcollins is what you get when you cross your doddering old grandmother with Voldemort!” stated justice critic Elie Mystycalcrystal. “She projects an air of being well-meaning, if a little frail, but 98% of the time she votes to cast Avada Kedavra on people!”
“We politely asked Vesampuccerian people of pigment to self-deport,” Grey House adviser Stephen Siewnottmillertyme stated in response to the shooting. “If you don’t do it as quickly as we would like – like yesterday – well, what happens is on you!”
“Stephen Siewnottmillertyme is what you get when you cross Voldemort with Darth Vader,” Mystycalcrystal commented. “Malice wrapped in bastardy wrapped in evil. It amazes me that he doesn’t spontaneously combust before every interview!”
“Lemme just say,” President Ronald McDruhitmumpf just said, inexplicably during a meeting with the Vesampuccerian soccer team, “that the brave men and…other men of ICES are doing a great job. Tremendous. Take the guy in…the city recently. You know the one. Killed an illegal terrorist. Or somebody who looked like an illegal terrorist. The agent was afraid the man was a threat. Not to him, obviously – our law enforcement agents know no fear, you know. They’re bred for that trait. The agent was worried the illegal terrorist was a threat to…civilians. Beautiful Vesampuccerian civilians. You know the ones I mean. Of course you do. Everybody does. Of course, no civilians of any kind were anywhere near the car when the shooting took place, but that just goes to show you: people who are mistaken for terrorist illegals are at their most dangerous when they look the most innocent!”
“Yeah, McDruhitmumpf,” Mystycalcrystal sighed. “He’s like a cross between Darth Vader and a snake oil salesman from the 1930s. The only positive thing you can say about him is that the poison he’s selling will kill you quickly.”
The President perhaps gave the game away when he said: “Illegal immigrants illegally immigranting our country by being born here is how Dumboprats win elections. But I’ve got news for them – it certainly was news to me when Stephen explained it – if we reduce the number of illegal illegals in the country, Reduhblicans will be in power for the next 100 years!”
“Is it too late to add Cruella DeVillegepeeples to my description of Stephen Siewnottmillertyme?” Mystycalcrystal asked. “Well, screw it! Consider it added!”
The victim of the shooting was a Vesampuccerian with a family – odds are – and friends – probably. And he held down a job – almost undoubtedly – that contributed to the Vesampuccerian economy – a reasonable person could conclude. The press spends so much time focusing on the politics of the McDruhitmumpf Injustice Department that it’s easy for us to lose sight of the people it has been designed to destroy.
Somewhere, a combination of Voldemort, Darth Vader, and Cruella DeVillegepeeples grins maniacally. Somewhere nearby (but out of striking distance), a justice critic wonders if it’s too late to add Hannibal Poorelectereight to the mix.