by NAOMI WOLGREEKLEISTEIGAN, Alternate Reality News Service Feminism Writer
Naomi (no relation) Guttenfarben was having a terrible time trying to create a diaper out of twigs, leaves and elastic bands.
“If you could just put your finger there…” she directed. “No, not there. Your other there. That’s right….nice and easy… Nice. And. Eas – arrrrrrgh!”
When a bird tried to land on her makeshift diaper, causing the unstable structure to collapse, Guttenfarben unleashed a stream of profanity that should never escape the lips of a woman tending a three month-old.
What was the cause of the cussing? Guttenfarben discovered that the aisle at her local WalMart that ordinarily carried diapers now carried empty shelves (which caused her to fall to her knees and cry that Gord must be dead). Like many couples with small children, she was forced to improvise when the supply of diapers dried up all along the eastern seaboard and parts of Massachusetts.
For example, Nia Politano tried to create a diaper out of the silver wrappers in her cigarette boxes and Scotch tape. Fortunately, it caught fire before she had a chance to put it on her son, Pinky.
Aurelia Phytoplankton experimented with a variety of materials, including newspapers and chewing gum, dollar bills and staples, and her baby Timothea’s own hardened poop. The results were mixed, in the sense that they were varying degrees of awful. Fighting fire with fire is an especially bad analogy when dealing with infant excrement.
Allan Dashyerhopabitz (what? You were expecting another woman? I said couples, didn’t I?) gave his wife an extra $25 to buy materials to make diapers out of. (What? You were expecting a man to contribute more directly to solving the diaper shortage problem? I did say that this was about babies, didn’t I? Messy, needy, ungrateful babies.)
“Desperation leads to innovation,” said the Biz Whiz. “That’s the genius of the capitalist system!” Of course, he’s single, so he would say that.
In fact, the capitalist system is to blame for the problem. Production of diapers at Innovative Infant Solutions, a wholly owned but plausibly deniable subsidiary of MultNatCorp (“We do washing our hands of troubled subsidiaries stuff”) was abruptly halted when a mouse got into the popcorn popper, which led to half the staff on the midnight to 9am shift needing to use the bathroom at the same time, which meant nobody who knew how to respond was there when a diaper on the liner segment of the assembly line ripped, backing up the diapers all up the chain, causing the gears in the machinery to grind until one of them sparked, ending with a spectacular fire that burned the factory to the ground.
“Sudden employee illness leads to innovation,” said the Biz Whiz. “That’s the genius of the capitalist system.” Of course, he’s never had mouse turd flavouring on his popcorn, so he would say that.
In traditional economic theory, one factory going dark would not be a problem, since there would be a large number of other companies running other factories that would step in to fill the void. Traditional economic theory is so adorable, isn’t it? In reality, four companies control 97% of the diaper market in the United States, including IIS’ 41%. When one of them has to stop production, no amount of powder will soothe the aching bottoms of babies all along the eastern seaboard and parts of Massachusetts. Or their children.
The diaper shortage has hurt the Democrats, who are being blamed for the shortage. “First, they make sure our babies’ asses are dirty. Then, they make sure our children’s minds are dirty!” decried outgoing (too bad about the primary, bud) Senator Madison Cawthorn. “We have to nip this in the bud before every American has to wear nose filters just to be able to leave their condos!”
In fact, President Joe Biden has signed an executive order directing that the Defense Procurement Act be used to get non-charcoaled factories to produce the diapers the country so desperately needs. Most of those factories were producing personal protective equipment, but continuing anti-mask activism has ensured that the vast majority of Americans will get COVID at some point, making their protection highly cowy (ie: moooooooot), and anyway, haven’t you heard? – the pandemic is over! Huzzah! So, we don’t need any more of those things.
President Biden has also asked Congress to approve $32 billion to buy diapers from foreign countries and have them delivered to the US. Legislation authorizing the spending has stalled in the Senate, where minority leader Mitch McConnell Yertled: “Why are the Democrats buying foreign diapers when they campaigned on the slogan, ‘Buy American?’ If you ask me, something smells terrible. It positively reeks!”
“Political obstructionism leads to innovation,” commented the Biz Whiz. “That’s the genius of the capitalist system.” Un hunh. You know, I’m beginning to think that the capitalist system isn’t as smart as advertised…