Good Thing The Stock Market Is Rebounding
“Caisse cuts 55 jobs, shuffles executives”
– Toronto Star
“CBC to lay off 180 next week”
– London Free Press
“Petro-Canada lays off about 200 in oil sands”
– Globe and Mail
“Deere to combine divisions, cut 200 jobs”
– Globe and Mail
“Saab
Jet maker set to cut 300 jobs”
– Toronto Star
“ArcelorMittal to lay off 400 workers in Indiana”
– Globe and Mail
“Yahoo to cut 600 more jobs”
– Globe and Mail
“CAE to slash 700 jobs by year’s end”
– Toronto Star
“Nikon to cut 1,000 jobs amid looming losses”
– Globe and Mail
“Qantas slashes 1,750 jobs after forecasting big loss”
– Toronto Star
“Sony Ericcson posts loss, to cut 2,000 jobs”
– Globe and Mail
“Amex to cut 4,000 jobs”
– Globe and Mail
“UBS to cut 7,500 more jobs amid losses”
– Toronto Star
“BT posts $1.74-billion loss; to cut 15,000 more jobs”
– Globe and Mail
“GM Canada to kill 38,000 jobs
AUTO GRAVEYARD: Blueprint cuts 6,000 more workers, plus 14,000 at dealerships and 18,000 at parts plants”
– Toronto Star
Really? I Thought I Was The Only One Who Felt That Way About Conservative Budgets
“‘Between disgust and pleasure, revulsion and enjoyment'”
– Toronto Star
Which Ones?
“Bombings around Baghdad raise security issues”
– Globe and Mail
And, If You’re Lucky, It Can Be More Than Touchy
“Intimacy while pregnant can be a touchy topic”
– Toronto Star
Because Criticism Is A Conservative Prerogative
“WHITHER THE LIBERALS?
Provide solutions, not just criticism”
– National post
Owwwww!
“Breaking up the lucky sperm club”
– Toronto Star
Really? That’s Funny, Because Whenever I Target South Korean Beer Assets, I’m Told To Go Home And Sleep It Off
“KKR targets AB InBev’s South Korean beer assets”
– Globe and Mail
The Right To Bad Puns Doesn’t Exist, Yet Headline Writers Act As Though It Does
“The right to bare arms”
– Toronto Star headline
“The right to bear children”
– Toronto Star headline directly below it
Maybe The Humanities Should Stop Telling The Sciences Yo Mamma Jokes
“50 years later, sciences and humanities still don’t get along”
– National Post
But, Is There Enough Room In Israel?
“’57-state solution’ floated for Mideast peace”
– Toronto Star
As A Stress Management Counselor
“Stress got you down? Chill out in new job”
– Globe and Mail
Claimed He Killed Kennedy AND Was Charlie Manson
“Accused killer padded resume”
– Toronto Star
And…Presumably One On The Lawn?
“Hubby has one foot in the doghouse”
– London Free Press
It’s Only Fair – After All, We Contributed To The Creation Of The Disaster
“Pakistan to ask Canada for disaster team”
– Toronto Star
Still, You Want To Do It As Quickly As Possible Because Spilled Liquidity Will Stain Your Carpet
“Mopping up liquidity is a tricky balancing act”
– Globe and Mail
Who Runs Detroit? Tony Soprano?
“Car firms held for ransom, suit says
GM, Chrysler, Magna seek total of $33 million after shortage of parts spurs plant shutdown”
– Toronto Star
“Being ‘blackmailed’ CAW says”
– Globe and Mail
Well, Thank You – I’ve Always Prided Myself On My Great Ro…Oh, Wait – You’re Talking About My Car, Aren’t You?
“A rugged off-roader with great road manners”
– London Free Press
How Much Is My Pity Worth To You?
“Besieged bosses: Feeling for the fat cats
We Want Your Pity”
– Globe and Mail
And, They Don’t Even Like Ribs
“Few meat inspectors mean more ‘shortcuts'”
– Toronto Star
Just Like A Flat Earth Would Orbit The Sun More Efficiently
“A flat tax would be ‘progressive'”
– Globe and Mail
George Stroumboulopoulos? Really? Why Would Anybody Over 30 Trust Him?
“The Canadians You Trust”
– Reader’s Digest
Are You Kidding? CSIS Is The Joe Bfstplk Of Security Agencies!
“Judge’s ruling puts CSIS under cloud of doubt”
– Globe and Mail
Why Would There Be Any Doubt? Have You Never Seen A David Lynch Film?
“Tori case casts light on town’s drug habit
Woodstock residents say abuse of OxyContin is pervasive and deadly”
– Toronto Star
And, That’s Something You’re Proud Of?
“How I created Brian Mulroney”
– Globe and Mail
Kim Jong-Il? The World Is His Toilet
“Again, he yanks the world’s chain”
– Toronto Star
If Only It Had The Appropriate Lungs, Vocal Cords And Mouth Structure…
“The Canadian mouse should get ready to roar”
– Globe and Mail
Are You Talking About The Blues Brothers? Man, John Belushi And Dan Aykroyd Were Hilario – What? President Bush? Oh, That Can’t Be Good…
“On a mission from God”
– Toronto Star
Man Says: “Allegedly? ALLEGEDLY? I’m 63 Years Old! Give Me Some Credit!”
“Police arrest 63-year-old man in wheelchair after he allegedly robbed a bank”
– National Post
Because Getting Radioactive Isotopes Out Of Leather Is A Real Bitch
“AECL sale needs careful handling”
– Toronto Star
And, All Of Them Are Demanding Increased EI Benefits
“It’s a zoo…really, all over your body
Scientists mapping human skin, find a thousand strains of bugs”
– Globe and Mail
Because They Were Pulled From High School Sex Ed Class By Concerned Parents?
“Why would anyone still be practicing unsafe sex?”
– Toronto Star
Hate The Sinner, Love The Ethnic Cuisine
“The key to a great summer nosh? It’s ‘wichcraft”
– Globe and Mail
“Restaurant reviews
Jewish nirvana in the strip malls of north Toronto”
– Globe and Mail
Colombia Soon To Be Canada’s Top Human Rights Violations Target
“Canada now Colombia’s top trade target”
– Toronto Star
Wouldn’t Roses Be More Appropriate?
“Iraqi boy meets girl…bombs house”
– Toronto Star