by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf has a staffer who can take his simplest ideas and turn them into 14 page memos that will peal the paint off the side of a barn at 30 paces. In the dark. Without breaking a swea – somebody stop me!
You’re probably thinking: So, what? I can do that with a good generative AI program. Or even a bad generative AI program, as long as I don’t mind the gratuitous references to white supremacy. Which, you know, I can live with if it saves me some work… And if you weren’t thinking that…well…you probably are now that I’ve brought it up.
But can your generative AI write mash emails (whether or not they’re accompanied by bangers – that is speculation unbecoming most…some…a few journa – you know what, let’s leave journalists out of this) like: “I need to make you proud, daddy. Don’t worry about cussing me out – my own daddy said much worse to me when I didn’t take to my toilet training right away. But you have an absolute right to do it – no one knows or cares about me more. To make a travesty of a good song: ‘You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make…something when something something something.’ Don’t worry – I’ll search for the lyrics and edit them into this mash note before the final draft?”
Well, yes, certainly, if you give it the right prompt it could probably come up with something close. But can it write such a mash email unprompted?
I thought not.
But Natalie Sharpasadultacke, who has been working for President McDruhitmumpf for at least four years, can. And did. Many times. Hence the bangers speculation (which I am not above, either, apparently). Do you remember when Karl Rovingeyebadhart was referred to as former President Georgie W. Bushbushindakush’s brain? Well, Sharpasadultacke could be considered President McDruhitmumpf’s hands.
In an exclusive (for the next 30 seconds – just long enough for somebody to rip it and post it to social media – don’t blink), the Alternate Reality News Service has obtained video of an interaction between President McDruhitmumpf and Sharpasadultacke in the Grey House:
PRESIDENT RONALD McDRUHITMUMPF: Grr – rumph – harrumph! Dolly Postpartumonem’s death’s getting more attention than I am!
NATALIE SHARPASADULTACKE: (saying as she types) “Dolly was a COMMIE SHILL! Come on! Books for Babies? What next? Making sure that no child in the country goes to bed hungry? Could anything be more unVesampuccerian?!!! Thank you for your inattention to this matter. DJT.”
PRESIDENT RONALD McDRUHITMUMPF: Lake Vesampucceri – hee hee hee. Hate people who oppose the idea! Hate ’em! Hate ’em! Hate ’em!
SHARPASADULTACKE: “Cartography is a made-up profession!!! Mapmakers have no standards and no moral scruples!!! I’m a better mapmaker than all of them put together!!! Everybody says so!!! And if they haven’t before, they will be soon!!! It’s so obvious, third graders know it, even if the corrupt and failing New Yoricknuhemwell Times doesn’t!!!!! Thank you for your inattention to this matter. DJT.”
PRESIDENT RONALD McDRUHITMUMPF: Thank you, Natalie. You word good my thoughts.
SHARPASADULTACKE: Oh, Mister President, it’s an honour. Would you like to read the latest glowing reviews of your tariff policies in the media? I have the daily stack right here.
PRESIDENT RONALD McDRUHITMUMPF: (claps hands) Oh, goody, goody, goody!
Pundits are divided on what’s worse about the Sharpasadultacke situation: that she was influencing the President for years before anybody outside his inner circle was aware of her presence, or that she didn’t get a security clearance until less than a year ago. Strong arguments can be made for –
“The security clearance! It’s the security clearance! Obviously, the security clearance!” screeched security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance. If he hadn’t been such an imposing physical figure, he could have been a parrot. “She accompanied President McDruhitmumpf to some of his most top secret, highly classified meetings, even though she had no right to! Does ‘For Your Eyes Only’ mean nothing any more‽ This isn’t even close!”
“I have a lot of respect for Malcolm – he throws a mean right hook – but I must disagree,” said McDruhitmumpf biographer Tim O’Mygordbrien. “The fact that somebody is spoon feeding the President information exclusively from sources that adore him? Honestly, I’m jealous. But, uhh, more importantly, it gives him a skewed view of the world that affects his policies. And writing his social media releases? This is part of the Reduhblican – oww! What are you doing? Stop that! This is part of the Reduhblican effort to keep McDruhitmumpf’s diminished capacity from – oww! I said stop tha – CUT IT OUT!“
Somehow, Donneednopennance had managed to get O’Mygordbrien in a headlock. I muted my phone and tiptoed away from it as quietly as I could. Let them work out their differences on their own. This is why I hate doing conference calls!