Curtain up on a poorly lit bar. Three tough punks, JIMMY, SAMMY and ALPHONSE, sit at a table in a corner, drinking and alternately laughing and scowling. JEREMY, the bartender, sits on a stool behind the bar, watching the big television screen hovering above. Enter PROFESSOR BLUNDERSON, who goes straight to the bar. He looks harried, disheveled, weary. Jeremy attends to him.
BLUNDERSON: Whisky, please, Jeremy. Make it a double. (sits on a stool)
JEREMY: Coming up, Professor.
Jeremy fixes a drink. The Toughs notice Blunderson and, drinks in hand, walk up to him.
SAMMY: Hey, mister, what about those Leafs, eh?
BLUNDERSON: Actually, I used to have a theory about that…
JIMMY: You hear that, boys. The Professor here used to have a theory!
The three Toughs laugh.
BLUNDERSON: How did you know I was a Professor?
JIMMY: (stops laughing) What?
JEREMY: Here’s your drink. (places drink in front of Blunderson)
BLUNDERSON: Thanks. (sips from the glass)
JIMMY: What did you say?
BLUNDERSON: You knew that I was a Professor. Is it possible that you have some sort of psychic powers?
JIMMY: (confused) Powers? No…I…it was a joke, man. Just a joke.
BLUNDERSON: (drily) Oh. Yes. Very droll. I have a theory about –
SAMMY: (angrily banging his fist on the bar) We’re not interested in your theories, Professor.
BLUNDERSON: Ahh, typical aggressive reaction to superior intellect…
SAMMY: Who you callin’ typical!
BLUNDERSON: Nobody. Sorry. I had no intention of causing your ego the slightest consternation.
SAMMY: (threatening) Listen, Professor…
BLUNDERSON: Blunderson. I teach political science at the University.
JIMMY: (trying to regain control) Oh, so you’re into poli sci? Well, if you’re so smart, perhaps you could tell us why this country is such a mess. If you’d be so kind…
BLUNDERSON: (gulps his drink) I don’t mind. But, it is a complicated situation…
JIMMY: Just as I thought. Mister, you wouldn’t know the difference between a plutocratic autocracy and a nihilistic agrarian demagoguery!
SAMMY: Yeah. With both hands tied behind his back.
JIMMY: Yeah. And, blindfolded. What do you think about that?
BLUNDERSON: (calm) I think you’re wrong.
JIMMY: (leaning into him) Are you calling me a liar?
BLUNDERSON: No, I don’t think you’re a liar. Misinformed, yes. A liar, no. You see, government is not a simple concept to grasp; the federal government, in particular, seems to have very little to do with actually fulfilling the real needs of the people. I have a –
JIMMY: (singing) I want to buy things but my money seems all spent…
SAMMY: (singing) I want to work, but I’m a victim of unemployment…
ALPHONSE: (singing, very high) My doctor tells me that my anger I must start to vent…
All look at Alphonse, surprised by the highness of his voice.
TOUGHS: (singing) Wouldn’t it be government?
BLUNDERSON: (singing) All they want is a well lit hall
Where they can talk, discuss and brawl
While they take money from us all
Oh, wouldn’t it be government?
Lots of issues they can debate
While for answers they make us wait
And hike up the tax rate
Oh, wouldn’t it be government?
We all think that we could do better given half a chance
But, if we were there we’d probably make the same mistakes again
All we want is a good three squares
Clothing and a house somewheres
While they argue about air
Oh, wouldn’t it be government? Government? Government? Government? Government?
TOUGHS: (singing) All they want is a well lit hall
Where they can talk, discuss and brawl
While they take money from us all
BLUNDERSON: (singing) Oh, wouldn’t it be government?
TOUGHS: (singing) Lots of issues they can debate
While for answers they make us wait
And hike up the tax rate
BLUNDERSON: (singing) Oh, wouldn’t it be government?
ALL: (singing) We think that we could do better given half a chance
But, if we were there we’d probably make the same mistakes again
TOUGHS: (singing) All we want is a good three squares
Clothing and a house somewheres
BLUNDERSON: While they argue about air
Oh, wouldn’t it be government?
TOUGH: (singing) Government?
BLUNDERSON: (singing) Government?
TOUGHS: (singing) Government?
BLUNDERSON: (singing) Government.
Toughs start whistling, miming Parliamentary debate, one speaking in mock seriousness, the others laughing, catcalling, banging on desks, etc.
BLUNDERSON: (singing) We all think we could do better given half a chance
But, if we were there we’d probably make the same mistakes again
All we want is a good three squares
Clothing and a house somewhere
While they argue about air
Oh, wouldn’t it be government?
TOUGHS: (singing) Government?
BLUNDERSON: (singing) Government?
TOUGHS: (singing) Government?
BLUNDERSON: (singing) Government.
JIMMY: You know, Professsor, I never looked at it quite like that.
BLUNDERSON: Take my word for it, son; you’re better off on the streets than on Parliament Hill.
JIMMY: You’re right! I think I’ll become…a social worker…
SAMMY: I’m gonna devote my life to brain surgery…
ALPHONSE: I think I’ll take up the French horn.
BLUNDERSON: Those are all…worthwhile goals, fellows. But, are you sure you want to make such serious decisions on the spur of the moment?
JIMMY: Listen, Professor, anything has to be better than spontaneously breaking out into song in the middle of a barroom!
BLUNDERSON: Yes, well…I have a theory about that…
Curtain.
(with copious apologies to Lerner and Lowe)