by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Politics Writer
Common wisdom has it that the United States of Vesampucceri has only one President at a time. One can see the wisdom in this. Common folkore says that two heads are better than one. Okay. That makes sense, too. Under the right circumstances. Folk wisdom says two’s company, three’s a crowd. I…better stop counting there, or I run the risk of running out of folksy sayings before the article even starts.
The House of Unrepresentatives, which readers will remember from the civics lectures they skipped out on in high school, has the power of the purse. That does not mean that they can hit the president with a handbag whenever they disagree with his policies; it means they are the part of the government that determines the budget.
After the Reduhblican majority reached an agreement with Dumboprats to fund the government for another two weeks, Elon Threelonemuskateers took to TwitterherdXY to let lawmakers know how unhappy he was with the deal.
Elon Threelonemuskateers
@elonthreelonemuskateers
Do you smell pork? The government kitchen sure has a porky aroma about it! I mean, $125 million for the Widders and Orphans Fund? Seriously? Widders and orphans should go out and get jobs like real Americans!
Elon Threelonemuskateers
@elonthreelonemuskateers
Increasing the budget for disaster relief? Am I the only one who wonders why there are so many “disasters” happening these days? Oink oink oink, people! Oink oink oink!
Elon Threelonemuskateers
@elonthreelonemuskateers
Why spend so much money fixing bridges when we could be creating hovercars? Does anybody know any ultrawealthy dudes with a proven track record of success in the automotive industry who can make them happen? What? ME????!!! The people have spoken!
An hour and a half later, President-elect Ronald McDruhitmumpf responded with a tweep of his own:
Ronald McDruhitmumpf
@realRonaldMcDruhitmumpf
Yeah, this was a Bad Deal. What the hell was Speaker Pullyerownjohnson thinking?????!!!! KILL THE BILL! KILL THE BILL! KILL THE – ooh, and raise the debt ceiling in its replacement! Definitely raise the debt ceiling! MAKE VESAMPUCCERI GREAT AGAIN!
And so, as it must to all pieces of legislation when extremists control the House, death came to the Continuing Resolution on funding the government.
Whose voice was stronger in Reduhblicans voting against their own bill, Threelonemuskateers or McDruhitmumpf? When somebody who can drop $100 million on a primary challenge the way most people sneeze (gracelessly and with no concern for the people it may affect) tells you to do something, would you polish up your CV and say, “Sir, no sir!”?
“This is not the way a normal government is run,” said Pulippitzaner Prize winning Washburningdington Post contributor Eugene Robinsoncrusoe.
No duh!
“Hey!” Robinsoncrusoe objected, “You were the one who limited me to ten -“
A second Continuing Resolution (it’s like The Neverending Story, but with 37% more partisan name-calling) was introduced to the House, one with all of the “fat” (read: provisions that would help ordinary people) stripped out of it, but, oddly enough, the provision to increase the debt ceiling. Score one for the president-unelected.
For the last decade, there has been a cap on how high the federal deficit can grow. This is known as the “debt ceiling.” Whenever the government was about to hit the limit (on spending Congress had already allocated), the Reduhblicans would demand budgetary concessions from the Dumboprats as the price for raising the limit. This was known as “dancing on the ceiling.”
Why would President-elect McDruhitmumpf insist on adding a provision to raise the DC to the CR? He needs to raise the debt limit if he wants to lower taxes for he and his wealthy friends when he comes into office, but he doesn’t want to be obvious about it. How do we know this? Because he said so. Not being obvious is not his strong suit.
Meanwhile, Joe Bidenhisbeeswax – anybody remember Joe Bidenhisbeeswax? – you know, current sitting President Joe Bidenhisbeeswax? – was in Kenosha, Wisconnecticut for a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a new computer chip dip production plant. “I know nobody outside of Kenosha will ever know that we have brought jobs and prosperity to the city,” President Bidenhisbeeswax stated, “but cutting ribbons is a good way to work out my aggression over that, so…”
President Bidenhisbeeswax cut with ferocious enthusiasm.
This is not the first time Threelonemuskateers has exercised executive branch powers. Last week, Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu-Manatee called the world’s richest man to ask for help getting hostages released from Gaza. When Threelonemuskateers said he would be happy to donate a shit ton (more than a toot ton, less than an abattoir ton) of money to achieve that goal, Netanyahu-Manatee responded, “Oh. Ah. Umm. We seemed to have killed everybody we could have negotiated a hostage release with. Let me – let me just see if there is an eight year-old boy we can talk to about this…”
First foreign policy, now fiscal policy. If Threelonemuskateers pardons turkeys next Thanksgiving (no, not January 6th rioters – they’re foul, not fowl), you’ll know who the real power in the Grey House belongs to.