by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Press Secretary Sean Spirochetericer resigned when Anthony Scaramuchacho was named Communications Director. Scaramuchacho bullied Chief of Staff Reincid Priecerebulbus into resigning. He was replaced by General John Colourkellygreene, who immediately fired Scaramuchacho.
Or, as the Grey House calls it, Tuesday.
“It was an honour to work with Sean, he really taught me a lot,” said presumptive Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe-Panderers. “Before I saw him in action, I could only spin bullshit with a straight face for about 20 seconds; now, I can talk nonsense for minutes without breaking up. Yeah – you’ve been in the room with me. You know. I’m still working on the glare, though: how’s this?”
Nobody had the heart to tell Press Secretary Wannabe-Panderers that she looked like a panda who had just swallowed a python with a lemon in its mouth. So, instead, somebody asked her if this was a presidency in turmoil.
“Define turmoil,” she shot back.
A state of great disturbance, confusion or uncertainty. Upheaval, agitation, chaos or mayhem.
“Very good,” Press Secretary Wannabe-Panderers grinned rictusly. “Now, define getting your press credentials pulled if you don’t stop being a smartass.”
Point made.
The rationale for bringing in Scaramuchacho as Communications Director was to plug the leaks that have been threatening to sink the McDruhitmumpf administration. So, to, umm, limit communications with the press. “I will find the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] leakers,” he told one reporter, “and I will cut off their [EXPLETIVE DELETED] heads and I will shellac their [EXPLETIVE DELETED] headless corpses and make [EXPLETIVE DELETED] end tables out of their [EXPLETIVE DELETED] bodies!”
He specifically named Chief of Staff Priecerebulbus, who Communications Director Scaramuchacho claimed “is a [EXPLETIVE DELETED] paranoid schizophrenic. I mean, I’m no [EXPLETIVE DELETED] doctor, but I would happily investigate his [EXPLETIVE DELETED] epiglottis for signs of leakage! The…the epiglottis is part of the throat, right? I mean, I was serious about that whole not being a doctor thi – Right! That is what I would [EXPLETIVE DELETED] do!”
The rationale for letting Scaramuchacho go was that he wasn’t diplomatic enough for the position. “He [EXPLETIVE DELETED] offended a lot of people,” President Ronald McDruhitmumpf explained. “We can’t have a coarse [EXPLETIVE DELETED] bull run around the delicate [EXPLETIVE DELETED] China shop of [EXPLETIVE DELETED] government!”
A more plausible [EXPLETIVE DELETED] reason for Scaramuchacho’s [EXPLETIVE DELETED] ouster would be – Jesus begesus, the President has really coarsened political discourse in this country, hasn’t he? Let me start again.
A more plausible reason for Scaramuchacho’s ouster would be that he reported directly to the President, by-passing the Chief of Staff, and a condition of General Colourkellygreene accepting the position was that all communications to the President go through him. “That’s kind of what the job is,” stated presidential historian Michael Beschbefordatloess.
No turmoil there, boy howdy. Nope. Definitely no turmoil. A little mayem, maybe, but no –
“I thought I made it clear that if you didn’t get your ass drunk and distract it with retro 80s music to keep it from being so smart that I would pull your press credentials,” Press Secretary pro tem (literally: gooooooo Pejorative Wildcats!) Wannabe-Panderers angrily reminded reporters.
Sorry.
Scaramuchacho was an easy call: he was at least four feet from second base when the ball reached the infielder’s glove. Will Colourkellygreene be able to convince the President to let him control communications from official son-in-law Jared Kushkushinthebush?
“Don’t look at me,” Beschbefordatloess responded. “My thing is the past. The future is a complete mystery to me!”
Beschbefordatloess is not alone. Priecerebulbus was the last person in the McDruhitmumpf administration with strong ties to the Reduhblicans. His firing could result in McDruhitmumpf being a president without a party.
“I think most people who have been with the president at Mara-Lara-Dingdong over a weekend would disagree with that assessment,” Beschbefordatloess pointed out.
Thanks for that, Michael. Thanks a lot.
An important part of the Chief of Staff’s job is to shepherd legislation through Congress. You can’t command paragraphs to line up in formation and march towards passage. However, a career military man with few connections to Reduhblican congresspeople might prefer that approach. This would make it difficult for him to move the administration’s agenda forward.
“Like the success the McDruhitmumpf administration had with health care reform before General Colourkellygreene was appointed Chief of Staff?” snarked token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam.
Hey! Health care reform is complica…okay. Fair point.
Still. Will the Colourkellygreene appointment make it easier for President McDruhitmumpf to accomplish what he wants to do?
“I’m already the greatest President in the history of history!” he tweeped at 2:37 this morning. “For the next 6 1/2 years, I can afford to coast!”