by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
Heywood Jablowme-Wrightnow graduated in the top third of the bottom twentieth of his class at the Westphalia School of Law and Culinary Delights. He interned for a lawyer so forgettable that history would be embarrassed to remember his name (John – Jane – Jupiter – it’s on the tip of my metaphorical tongue!). So it came as some surprise when billionaire serial tech entrepreneur Bilbo Flibbertigibbet walked into his office looking for legal advice.
“Can you imagine it?” Jablowme-Wrightnow, barely able to see over the pile of legal briefs on his scuffed desk with a missing drawer, recalled. “Here’s this guy in a suit that costs more than I make in a year, sauntering into my office like he owns the place – which, okay, he does, but I didn’t find that out til later – looking like he had just swallowed a bucket full of ethane, cyanide and other toxic-flavoured gumballs – asking if I could take him on as a client. So, I did what any self-respecting lawyer would do in this situation: I doubled my fee!”
Flibbertigibbet had, until recently, been represented by the white shoe (which isn’t a thinly veiled racist dog whistle – that’s just a happy coincidence) law firm Skeeballdaddilen, Arparparpgoodogs, Cleanslatedirtymind, Meaghermoralbank & Flimflomfromflinflon. That relationship was poisoned when President Ronald McDruhitmumpf started writing Executive Orders against individual law firms.
“You see this pen?” the President said after signing an EO restricting the firm’s access to federal buildings, pulling active security clearances held by its personnel, directing government employees not to meet with the firm or its members, and – and – and – I’m forgetting something. It’s on the tip of my computer keyboa – *SNAPS FINGERS* – oh, of course, terminating all government contracts with Skeeballdaddilen, Arparparpgoodogs, etc. etc. “This is the most powerful pen in the world. It can turn hate into love. Jesus would have approved of this pen.”
Soon after the (some would say sacrilegious) signing, Skeeballdaddilen, Arparparpgoodogs, yadda yadda yadda executive partner Jeremy Longthirteesilvurr demanded, then urgently requested, then meekly asked for a meeting with the President. Longthirteesilvurr begged him not to take action against his firm. When the President asked what he would get in return, the lawyer rolled over and offered $40 million in pro bono legal work for McDruhitmumpf’s favourite cause, fully aware that his paramount cause was always and ever himself. The President scratched Longthirteesilvurr behind the ear and said, “Good dog! Who’s a good dog? You are! Oh, yes, you are!” according to three sources who were disgusted by the display.
“If we stood up to McDruhitmumpf,” Longthirteesilvurr claimed, “all of our pro-Trump clients would take their business to another firm.” So, instead, you ended your relationships with all of your anti-Trump clients? “I didn’t say our response was perfec!”
“What can I tell you?” President McDruhitmumpf grinned at an EO signing the next day. “This pen turns anti-McDruhitmumpf hate into pure, pure McDruhitmumpf love. I looooooove this pen!” The enthusiasm with which he kissed the pen was further proof that this was going to be a long four years.
While Skeeballdaddilen, Arparparpgoodogs, you know who and some other law firms (to declare all of their names would completely fill another article – do law firms really need so many name partners?) have capitulated to President McDruhitmumpf’s demands for fealty, others don’t appreciate being felt up.
For example, Jendarmshortener & Blowbackizabich asked a court for an injunction against the EO, claiming that the Executive Order violated the first, fifth and sixth Amendments to the Constitution, not to mention the Marquess of Queensbury Rules, Hoyles Rules of Bridge and the Ferenghi Rules of Acquisition. And wouldn’t you know it, the judge went ahead and granted the injunction!
“I wouldn’t be too impressed,” stated token smart person, and noted killjoy, Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “By going after firms that do a lot of work for progressive causes, including suing to stop previous McDruhitmumpf Executive Orders, the administration hopes to have a chilling effect on liberal law firms. You would be surprised at how quickly a law firm will drop pro-Palestinian activists when there are mortgage payments on a villa in Omsk is due!”
“I didn’t vote for the Ronald – I mean, not 23 times – but I can’t complain about his victory – it’s been great for my business,” Jablowme-Wrightnow stated. “I could go on about how great it is, but I have some serious lawyering to do. You know where I can find out what habeus corpus is?”