Headlines courtesy of Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines. Headlines over the headlines courtesy of The Daily Me staff.
Maybe A Doctor Should Prescribe Prozac For It
“Judge delays start of hearing about distressed paper”
– Toronto Star
It’s Not Exactly Beckett, But These Are Times Of Diminished Expectations
“Waiting for the goat cheese”
– National Post
The Phrase “Making A Killing” Isn’t Usually So Literal
“For parents of trapped children, grief turns to rage”
– Globe and Mail headline on an article about the effects of the Sichuan earthquake
“No panic among economists over quake’s impact on inflation”
– headline on Globe and Mail article on the same page about different effects of the Sichuan earthquake
The Honest Logical Position: Nonsense
“The honest anti-war position: Support”
– National Post
If He Insists On Being Served On Your Best China, Choose Another Entree
“Canadian Tour: Meat Loaf does not like to be served cold”
– Globe and Mail
The Mountain Refuses To Outright Condemn Torture
“The moral ambiguity of Everest”
– Toronto Star
Which is Unusual Considering Bell Rarely Leaves Fingerprints
“Internet providers decry throttling campaign by Bell”
– National Post
Are You Serious? That Show Needed A Hip Replacement From The First Time It Was Aired!
“American Idol still tops, but not as hip as it once was”
– Globe and Mail
Maybe If Kids Put Away Their Toys Like They’re Supposed To, This Wouldn’t Happen
“Dump truck protest to clog GTA highways”
– Metro
It Had A Hangover And Didn’t Feel Like Getting Out Of Bed
“Pellet plant skips environmental assessment”
– Toronto Star
It Was Inevitable That Canadian Policy In Afghanistan Would Devolve Into Thi – What? The Article Is About A Student Film Festival? Oh…
“Shoot first”
– National Post
Looming Deadlines Really Focus The Mind, Don’t They?
“Step it up, ask for that raise”
– 24 Hours
“The need for Speed”
– 24 Hours, the very next page
“He has to step up”
– 24 Hours, the very page following that
Then He Leaves. Then He Returns. Then He Leaves. Then He Returns. Then…
“Toronto welcomes back Yo-Yo Ma”
– Toronto Star
Growing Old Disgracefully And Dying Alone In Intense Pain For No Good Reason. And, You?
“What are you doing for the next 40 years?”
– National Post
Because, By Then, Public Transit Will Consist Of Unicorns…
“Climate change deal do-able by ’09: UN”
– Toronto Star
For Three Year-olds, Maybe
“Asking ‘why’ again and again is harder than you think, but it works”
– Globe and Mail
Too Easy
“Tax agency flushes away $40K on new washroom for official”
– Toronto Star
Post Readers Might Not Admit This, But Sometimes The Opposite Is True
“Men want Heidi Klum, women want her bikini”
– National Post
Is It Any Wonder Investors Are So Confused?
“AIG sees no signs of mortgage rally”
– Toronto Star headline
“IAG buys Aegon unit”
– headline under the article with the above headline in the Toronto Star
So…We’re Going To Try To Deal With Global Warming By Powering Our Cars With…Bikini Wax?
“It’s time to kill corn subsidies and go Brazilian”
– Globe and Mail
If It’s About Fashion, It’s Probably Not SUBTLE
“If it smells good, it’s probably Sexual”
– National Post
One Elected Unfit To Lead
“43,000 deployed unfit for combat”
– USA Today
Then, Finger The Dreaded Paper Clip Thief (And Hope She Doesn’t Give You The Finger)
“Put your finger on a more efficient system”
– Globe and Mail headline on an article about how business could benefit from the use of biometric scanning devices
The Answer? Yes, Please, Oh, Yes
“A question of cleavage”
– Toronto Star
That’s Just The Kind Of Thinking That Made Vegas The Success It Is Today
“Campaign debts may keep Clinton in race”
– Globe and Mail
But, Can I Do That Without Hating Myself?
“Your summer mission:
Learn to love tourists”
– Toronto Star
That’s What’s Wrong With The Economy! Russians Taking Jobs Away From Honest, Hard-working North American Gold Diggers!
“Russian women make gold-digging an art”
– National Post
Yes, It Is A Thorny Issue, Isn’t It? Perhaps A Better Gardener…
“How to fill a spot on prickly council?”
– Toronto Star
If That Doesn’t Work, He Can Always Delete Them
“Icahn hopes to click with Yahoo investors”
– Globe and Mail
I’ll Believe It’s A Problem When I Pass Karl Icahn On The Street Begging For Crackers
“It ain’t easy being rich
Have you checked the price of Beluga caviar lately?”
– National Post