by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
At 2:37 in the morning, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf tweeped: “IF IRAN EVER THREATENS US AGAIN, I WILL RAIN HELLFIRE AND DAMNA – DAMN! USED THAT THREAT ALREADY! THEY WILL SUFFER DESTRUCTION OF BIBLICAL PROPOR – DAMMIT! USED THAT ONE, TOO! WELL, BELIEVE ME, BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO THEM! BAD BAD VERY BAD THINGS!”
“Have we threatened Vesampucceri lately?” mused the Supreme Leader of the Floatheadic Revolution, Grand Ayatollyasoh Sayyid Ali Khamenagetmi. Thumbing through his dayplanner, he muttered, “Death to Fragmented Nations nuclear weapons inspectors? Absolutely. Murder anybody who has a problem with Syria’s Bashar al-Elephantine? That’s half the world – hard to see why the Vesampuccerians would take it so personally. Death to the infidels? Hunh. You have to love the classics. Nope. Sorry. I have no idea what threat the Vesampuccerian President was talking about.”
“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance rhetoricked questioningly. “Last week, President McDruhitmumpf held a press conference where he spent an hour sitting on Fenwick Prime Minister Rupert Mountkilamanjoy’s lap! Even staunch Reduhblican supporters were embarrassed by the fact that at no time was Mountkilamanjoy’s right hand visible. Nobody can say definitively where it had been, but everybody agreed that it would require days of washing!”
Sooo…the whole Iran thing was a distraction, then?
“The distractionist of distractions!” Donneednopennance agreed.
“I think there’s a bigger picture we’re all missing here,” argued token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam.
You mean Cinemascope? We used to love going to the theatre and watching films on 70 inch screens!
“No,” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam said through gritted teeth (she really should spend less time in machine shops). “Not Cinemascope.”
You can’t be talking about Imax. We just saw the nature documentary Tortoises Today, Tomorrow and To Infinity on the large screen. It was like we were right there in the swamp with them!
“Okay, I think you’re missing the big picture about the big picture!” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam exclaimed. Before we could interject with a pithy statement about 4-D (which doesn’t have a terribly big screen, actually, but who doesn’t enjoy getting water randomly blown in their faces while trying to follow an incoherently cut action sequence?), she continued: “Last week, President McDruhitmumpf tweeped that his meeting with Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy would be the greatest meeting of world leaders since Moses climbed a mountain in order to distract from the disastrous policy of separating children from their immigrant parents at the border. The point is: if the President uses Twitherd as a distraction from subjects he doesn’t want the public to pay attention to, the things he doesn’t tweep about are probably the things he’s actually concerned about. It just stands to reason.”
Reason? As in logicalness? Lady, you do know you’re talking about the world’s leading idiotocracy, aren’t you? That would be rule by the stupidest people, in case you didn’t know.
The token smart person sighed the sigh of the damned. “Okay, I’m going to make it simple for you,” she informed us. Five minutes later, she was still thinking. “Umm…” she finally said, “have you ever noticed that President McDruhitmumpf never tweeps about his alleged affair (much of which, according to tabloid accounts, happened outside the Penthouse suite window of the McDruhitmumpf Towering Inferno in New Yoricknuhemwell) with porn star Stormy Jackdanielsovvem?”
Never?
“Well, hardly ever.”
No.
“That’s because he’s afraid of how his base will react if he brings attention to the issue. So, he doesn’t. Or, have you noticed how President McDruhitmumpf hasn’t tweeped about North Korean dictator Kimsongfaluson Mah-Jhongg since they ‘agreed’ to a nuclear disarmament deal?”
Not that we can recall, no.
“Humph. Call yourself a journalist?” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam scoffed.
Our reputation had collected so many scoffs lately, we resolved to polish it to a shiny glow.
“Good luck with that,” the token smart person responded to our unstated resolution. Damn her token smart person powers! Ignoring our unstated outburst, she continued: “Look. Kimsongfaluson never abided by any nuclear disarmament deal because it appears to exist only in the President’s head. In a dark corner of the President’s head where rats chitter along stone floors and screams of sorrow seem to emanate directly from the mossy walls. So, of course he’s not going to tweep abou -“
President McDruhitmumpf interrupted the token smart person’s florid musings with a tweep: “totally redacted FISA warrant proves Rotten Tomato Hillary Roocartoncleveman and disgraced nogoodnik James Comeonecomally collusioned with Fenwick to undermine fairness of 2016 elections! Naughty naughty! #nocollusion”
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam sighed the sigh of the double damned…with sprinkles.