by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
A government shutdown brings out the best in people. ONE EXAMPLE: air traffic controllers who have called in sick when they were asked to work without pay running a soup kitchen for furloughed Health and Human Disservices workers whose job was to run soup kitchens.
A government shutdown also brings out the worst in people. ONE EXAMPLE: do I have to choose just one?
The week began when the Dumbopratic Speaker of the House Nancy Pelligrinosi mused about President Ronald McDruhitmumpf’s State of the Union address. “Well, golly gee gosh whillikers, nobody wants the President to give the State of the Union address to a joint session of Congress more than I do. Except for the President. And, the Vice President. And, the Senate majority. And, the House minority. Hee hee. And, everybody on Foxindehenhaus News, except, maybe Chris Walleyedpeacrackers – he’s been a bit wobbly lately. And, of course, the President’s base. Mustn’t forget the President’s base… I, uhh, have to wonder, though, if, despite all of this enthusiasm, we’ll have sufficient security for the event. You know, because of the shutdown and all.”
When asked if the address should be cancelled, Speaker Pelligrinosi said it didn’t have to be, pointing out that the President could give it from anywhere. “The Linkedinonalog bedroom…next to a shooting victim on Fifth Avenue in New Yoricknuhemwell…the dark side of the moon. He’s only limited by his imagination.”
Reduhblican response to the Speaker’s suggestions was fierce. “Thuh Speaker is bein’ provocative and not very nice,” stated Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe-Panders. “She knows very well how…limited thuh President’s imagination is! And, was that moon reference a dig at thuh President’s plan ta create a Space Farce? Cause Carl Parsleysagentime said it was a great idea, so if thuh Speaker has a problem with it, maybe she should take it up with the host of Cosmos!”
Speaker Pelligrinosi declined to debate somebody who had been dead for over two decades.
“We – okay – yes – wait a sec – I! I absolutely rebut what Speaker Nancy said,” added Secretary of Homeland Insecurity Kirstjen Nielsenratingshit. “Security for the State of the Union…thing? Pfft! Puh-leaze, girl! The Department of Homeland…uhh…you know – my department. Us? We got this!”
Five rambling minutes later, Secretary Nielsenratingshit apologized if her statement appeared disjointed. She explained that all of her speechwriters had been furloughed because of the government shutdown, leaving her to freestyle her own defence. Still, all things considered, not bad, right? Right?
There the matter may have flopped around like a fish that had dropped out of the sky onto a long, dry desert floor. Unfortunately, concerned that his record for pettiness was being challenged, President McDruhitmumpf revoked permission for a delegation of Dumboprats led by Speaker Pelligrinosi to use military planes to attend a whine and cheese tasting in Afghanistan and a NATO meeting in Brussels.
He’s the Commander-in-Briefs. He can do that.
In a letter he sent to the Speaker explaining his action, the President went to his go to insult: “Sad. You shouldn’t be gallivanting around while the government is shut down – you should stay in Washburningdington until the crisis is over!” The fact that he wrote the letter while flying on Air Force One to his Scottish golf course for the weekend was just one more absurdity to toss into the basket.
No, wait – the basket is reserved for deplorables. How about…the hat? One more absurdity to throw into the – no, a hat wouldn’t be big enough. Not even a ten gallon one. It would have to be a hat the size of North Dakobama. Oh, I’ve got it! Dumpster! It was just one more absurdity to toss into the dumpster!
Political reporting is all about finding the right metaphor.
“I’m not forbidding the Speaker from travelling,” the President concluded. “If she wants to meet with world leaders that badly, she can always fly commercial. There are still some airlines that haven’t been grounded because of the shutdown, right?”
“Wrong,” said Presidential historian Michael Beschbefordatloess. “Not about the planes – what do I look like, an air traffic controller historian? I meant, the Speaker of the House is second in the Presidential chain of command – third if you count the ground level peanut vendor at Yankee stadium, but nobody in the modern era does. Either way, she’s a big deal. After 9/11, it was decided that the Speaker should not fly commercial because it wasn’t safe enough for somebody in one of the most important positions in the government. The President would have known this if…if he was somebody else.”
The delegation’s mission in Afghanistan, other than tasting local products, was to visit the troops and be updated on how the war on nouns (terror division) was going there. “They were going to gather facts,” Presidential historian Beschbefordatloess explained. “But, this administration treats facts the way medieval societies treated lepers: keep them begging for attention in dark alleys and do everything in your power to ensure that they don’t touch you. If they had any respect for facts, they might be aware of a little thing medical professionals call penicillin!”