SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE by Token Smart Person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam
Trying to humanize the McDruhitmumpf administration is like trying to put lipstick on Godzillojira: it’s extremely difficult and it pisses off the kaiju. And, it invariably ends in the destruction of Tokyo.
You can’t blame First Daughter Krystalle McDruhitmumpf for trying; she’s only seven, after all, an age when you can be forgiven for still believing in the Easter Bunny or the Shaikovdelaffer Curve. (Members of Congress get no such pass.) Unfortunately, her best efforts to make this kaiju administration adorable have been undermined time and again by its propensity for massive property damage and poor English dubbing.
“I like #adorable #puppies,” Krystalle McDruhitmumpf tweeped. “Except when they #poop on my shoes. Stupid #shoepoopers! But yay #puppies!” She spent the next couple of weeks tweeping images of #puppies being #adorable: #puppies dressed like #rabbits chasing each other; #puppies watching #cats jump on #Christmas trees, causing them to awkwardly fall as the #puppies innocently look the other way; a #puppy eyeing a shoe rack a little too #mischievously.
Krystalle McDruhitmumpf would like us to believe that officials like Steve O’Bannonallhope and Jeff “Self-regard” Sesspoolpandemic are #cute #cuddly #puppy do – dammit! I have anti-#hashtag software that’s supposed to #keep #this #from #happening!
[ONE VIRUS SCAN AND REBOOT LATER]
So. Krystalle McDruhitmumpf is trying to get people to believe that members of her father’s government are not 10 storey tall rampaging rage machines, but are, instead, full of adorable puppy goodness. Some might. But, her efforts are undermined by the fact that her father’s government is proposing tax cuts for the wealthiest people in Vesampucceri while pooping in the shoes of working people across the country! There’s nothing adorable about that!
Worse: to pay for their tax cuts, the McDruhitmumpf government would cut programmes like the McMillionwifi Tamelife Conservancy Fund. You might be aware of the fund (if, say, you’re especially fond of fine print) because it organizes the popular Spay and Play public awareness programme. They also fund animal shelters, the sort of places you would find, yes, adorable puppies.
It didn’t help that Commerce Secretary Wilbur Rossinantehead has been quoted as saying that Vesampuccerian Chinese food restaurants should not be importing dogs to serve to their customers, that they should support their local economy by serving Vesampuccerian dogs instead. This is wrong on so many levels that it makes Inception look like Tiny Talent Time! And, it makes the supposedly adorable puppy government look like cannibals.
#messagefail
Some #social – oh, don’t you start again! Some social medians (I considered using the term mediaites, but that made them sound like insects, and, as far as I can tell, and I can tell pretty damn far for somebody born in Muskogee, many of them act more like scavenging vermin) saw through Krystalle McDruhitmumpf’s ploy. “If you care so much about animals,” @hidingbehindanonymityandproudofit wrote on Twitherd, “why do you allow your name to be on a line of fur-lined bras?”
Meanwhile, over on Farcebook, Escalatah Operatah wrote, “If you care so much about animals, why do you sit in on national insecurity meetings and urge your dad to bomb the sheep dip out of countries in the middle of civil wars? Do you have any idea how many innocent pets are killed in those bombing raids?”
In fact, nobody knows how many innocent pets are killed on bombing raids since the United States stopped counting during the Vietnam War, and it gets jealous of anybody going into one of its war zones and counting for themselves, so it doesn’t allow anybody to. Still, the rhetorical point has a point.
Not one to ever shy away from pushing back against pushback, Grey House Press Secretary Sean Spirochetericer insisted that, “The United States of Vesampucceri does not bomb innocent pets. If pets are killed in one of our bombing raids, they were clearly terrorists, or allies of terrorists, or giving comfort to terrorists, or could spell the word terrorist, define it and use it in a sentence, so they deserved whatever was coming to them!”
Meanwhile, in her office in the Right Wing of the Grey House, Krystalle McDruhitmumpf soldiers on in the effort to make her father’s administration appear human. Just hours ago, for example, she tweeped about how proud she was that her father was an advocate for women and families. An advocate for women and families. The man who has been divorced seven times and boasted on tape that he could grab any unwilling woman by her vulgars with impunity. An advocate. For women. And, families.
If she had any sense, Krystalle McDruhitmumpf would stick to doing what she does best: using her father’s office to help sell products with her name on them.