by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
The Senate impeachment trial of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf was dealt a slight setback when, during their oath to Gord to render an impartial verdict based on the evidence, all but one of the Reduhblican Senators broke into flames. Starting with their…soft middle bits, and building from there.
The Senate chamber has a sprinkler system, but, although fully functional, some…power kept it from turning on. Dumbopratic Senators came to the rescue of their opponents, tamping out the flames with their jackets or trying to douse the flames with their saliva.
“Ah was dod expecding dad,” commented Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich, who experienced second degree burns over three quarters of his body. When the bandages come off, nobody knows what kind of reptile he will emerge as, although most Washburningdington pundits believe it will be quite slimy.
“When you’ve got a good thing going…” most Washburningdington pundits shrugged and smiled pleasantly.
“It was-a as if-a some…higher power was esspressin’ disapproval for the-a Reduhblican behaviour,” mused Father Guido Sardonicucci, reporter for L’Osservatore Romano e Asiago. “I’m-a gonna be completely honest: I have-a my eye on-a you, Loki.”
I couldn’t help but point out that Father Sardonicucci did not appear to be speaking with a real Italian accent.
“Issa okay,” Father Sardonicucci responded. “I’m-a no real Priest!”
Why would some…higher power take offence at Reduhblican Senators taking the oath? Okay, there was the fact that Senate Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich held a press availability from the pocket of President McDruhitmumpf in which he said that he would be following the Grey House’s lead during the trial. “When the President says lint, I say how high do you want me to pile it up?” the Majority Leader turtled with intent to gloat (a misdemeanour in several states and the Territory of Puerto Guaco).
Then, there were Senators like Lindsay Grahamcrokercrum, who said before the trial had started, “Ronald McDruhitmumpf is the least corrupt President the United States of Vesampucceri has ever had. You don’t have to take my word for it – just ask him. Honestly, the Grey House has been so corrupt over the years, you have to wonder how the country has survived as long as it has! So, yeah, I’m going to vote to acquit him.”
What about the oath of impartiality? “I…I don’t use foul language,” Senator Grahamcrokercrum explained.
Aaaaaaah.
So, should we believe that pants catching fire in the Senate was a judgment against the Reduhblicans who didn’t take their oath to Gord seriously? “Oh, I wouldn’t day dat,” Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich responded from the bed of his wing of the hospital. “De good Dord doesn’t dake sides in political disagreements. And, anyway, widout hearing all de evidence, how would Dord know if we were daking his oad seriously?”
Umm, because Gord is supposed to be all-knowing and all-seeing?
“Dat sounds like a inbasion of pribady to me,” Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich smugged. “Maybe de Justid Department should be looking into dis. Somebody ged Bill Kadiebarrdudor on de line!” He reached for the gold-appointed telephone on the armoire next to his bed, but before he could call the Attorney General, he fell back on his silk sheets, exhausted. “Yeds. Somebody should do dad!” he commented before falling asleep.
The only Reduhblican Senator to not have his nether parts roasted during the oath was Mitt Romdownwiditney. His loyalty to the President was immediately question. By the President, who tweeped: “God Puppet Mitt wont take heat in the ghoulies for his President. Who’s side is he on?!!! Maybe he was saved by lead-lined underwear. #guesswhosnotgettingmysupportinhisnextprimary”
(The last line refers to the rumour that Mormons like Senator Romdownwiditney wear specially blessed underwear. I am so not touching that. I mean, writing about it, not actually touch – ewww!)
“I just take my oath to Gord seriously,” Senator Romdownwiditney stated. “As I expect every elected official to do.”
They’re so adorable at that age, aren’t they?
When asked why his caucus came to the rescue of the opponents that had given them so much grief in the last three years, Senate Minority Leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer replied, “That’s the bi-partisan spirit that has always motivated this house of Congress. I remember when, as a junior senator, I was hit by a pop fly at my desk. The details are fuzzy, but I’m pretty sure it was a Reduhblican Senator who stanched the bleeding until the medics came. I am confident that, after this incident, my Reduhblican colleagues will return to this spirit of compromise and cooperation.”
To which Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich chuckled in his sleep and said, “Dey neber learn, do dey?”